AITA my gf redecorated while I was away?

A Reddit user shared a story about coming home to a surprise after spending time away for a family funeral. His girlfriend had redecorated their living room without consulting him, and while she thought it would be a nice gesture, he found himself feeling upset by the change. Now he’s wondering if he overreacted or if he has a right to feel bothered by the lack of communication. Read the full story below to see how he handled this situation.

‘ AITA my gf redecorated while I was away?’

My gf and I have lived together for 2 years. I spent the weekend away at a different city to where we live and was originally due to arrive home on Sunday night. However, my gf had a d**th in the family recently, so we had arranged for me to meet at her parent’s house instead.

We would need to spend the night there as it was a few hours drive from our house. We both drove separately in our own cars for this reason. After the funeral, we headed home in our own cars. My gf told me that if I got home first, I shouldn’t go into the living room as she had a surprise for me.

When we both went into the living room together, I saw that she had changed the colour scheme of our living room. We had originally decorated it so that the main furniture was neutral, so that we could change the accessories in the future, if we changed our minds (like cushion covers etc). She had changed all the accessories and theme as a surprise.

I personally am not great with change, so I have some self awareness that I could be overreacting but need an outsiders opinion. I’m also hyper aware that we had just been to a funeral so emotions are high as well.

I didn’t react how she wanted to, in fact I was actually quite upset that she did this without talking to me first. She said that she paid for all the cushions etc out of her own money and not our joint account, so it shouldn’t matter? I couldn’t really discuss in detail why I was upset because I felt like I was being an ungrateful a**hole and it really hurt to see her sad. It also wasn’t a great time to argue about decor after being at a funeral.

So… AITA for being upset that my gf changed the decor without discussing it with me first?.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

reviewmyresidency −  YTA. Look, I get it—you’re not great with change, and you like being involved in decisions about your shared space. But in this situation, your girlfriend just lost a family member, and she probably wanted to do something nice for you as a way to lift both of your spirits after such a tough time.

She went out of her way to surprise you, and it wasn’t like she made a huge, irreversible change. She swapped out some accessories that you both agreed could be changed in the future.

The fact that she even paid for everything out of her own money shows that she was trying to do something thoughtful without imposing on your shared finances. You getting upset about this comes across as tone-deaf, especially considering the emotional context around her recent loss.

Sure, maybe in a normal situation, a conversation about the decor would have been ideal. But in this case, it was a well-intentioned surprise during an emotionally difficult time. Being upset over something as small as cushion covers and color schemes, instead of appreciating the effort she put in, feels like you’re focusing on the wrong thing. She’s dealing with grief, and you’re making it about decor—just seems a little cold, man.

no___underscores −  YTA. Pillows and little decorations, and you’re acting like she smeared s**t on your walls. Please take a deep breath and be grateful you have a partner willing to try to be nice to you even if the end result is inconvenient.

And i cannot stress this enough – THIS WHOLE THING IS JUST AN INCONVENIENCE FOR YOU OP. I mean people are reacting like she f**king hit you or something ya’ll are UNHINGED.

HamburgerRenatus −  NTA. The thing about surprises is, you’re not e**itled to a positive response. If you plan a surprise, you’d better be really, really sure the person you’re surprising is going to like it.

Your GF was wrong. In her defense, maybe she thought she was doing something nice that you would appreciate. But she miscalculated. You are under no obligation to swallow your true feelings. All that said, now is the time for mature communication.

If you calmly and politely explain to her that you would prefer in future to make these types of changes together, and not unilaterally and as a surprise, she should be able to understand that and respect it going forward. You can start by telling her you understand that what she did was meant as a nice gesture and you recognize and appreciate that.

Her reaction will tell you a lot about the state of your relationship and her maturity. For example, if she throws a big fit and sees herself as the wronged party here. It’s entirely possible that this wasn’t intended as a nice gesture, and it was her taking advantage of your absence to trash your boundaries and do what she wanted without regard to your opinions or input. That sort of behavior is not great for your long-term happiness.

Top_Detective9184 −  YTA. I understand you don’t like change but your reaction was extreme. It’s some accessories and couch cushion covers, things that can be easily changed. You and several commenters are making it seem like she painted the whole house and bought new furniture. If you’re this uptight about something as simple as some cushion cover and pillows/other accessories you sound exhausting.

I’m sorry but do commenters really get their SO’s full input anytime they make a minor change. “Oh i want to buy this blanket but i better get permission first”, “i really like that candle but hold on let me ask the boss first”. She made a minor change which can be changed back easily and quickly and you chewed her out in a super emotional time for her. To those commenting it must be exhausting to ask for permission over any minor change in your own home.

Cold_Timely −  YTA and you’re being disingenuous. She didn’t “redecorate” she just changed a few accessories that can easily be changed back. I understand your issue with change, and maybe she should have spoken with you about it first, but that depends on some other circumstances so given the info provided, YTA.

Help24-7 −  Cushion covers, table cover, candles, picture frames, little ornaments etc. The thing that bothered me the most was that she said she wants to change them every season, and that I take too long to make decisions on decorating so she wanted to do a “60 minute makeover” which I am not good at.

She decorated for FALL people…… She didn’t makeover the house….. She added in accents and ornaments…for the season/holiday.. YTA.
So she decorated for FALL?!? Come on OP. People like decorating for seasons/holidays. She lives there too!. You just expected her to move in and stop doing things that she loves to do,?? And it’s clear you two have previously talked about this before.

And she didn’t wreck your place OP… It’s a bunch of small things that would take a very short amount of time to change. And since you make the process so difficult and frankly probably take the fun out of it…. She did it on her own…which she enjoyed and surprised you with … Your house is decorated for FALL and you didn’t have to do any stressing over it. She even paid for it on her own— which is also VERY telling on you OP.

I’m sorry but do you not want to live with her?? Was she just supposed to move in and never change anything?? Help make the home feel like she belongs there too?? Give up anything she likes because you don’t want to change or compromise??

She must have felt so disappointed after coming back from the funeral and this is how you reacted.
Dont listen to the teenagers on here who are acting like their Mom came into their room and changed their sheets…… YTA.

saveyboy −  INFO. Are we talking about throw pillows on a couch ?

Impossible_Rain_4727 −  Light YTA. I would have gone NAH if the d**th was in your family, but it wasn’t.
She was the one who lost a loved one. This was something fun and positive for her during that time, possibly a way to cope with her grief (especially as she was alone at the time).
Ordinarily, sure, this should have been a joint decision as it is a shared space. In this case, I do think that you should have tried being more supportive given her situation.

ThatIrishWoman −  It is pillows and stuff, not worth being upset over. She’s in mourning and needed a distraction. Was it that u**y? I mean, I know how you feel, but sometimes you gotta s**k it up. One time, my husband bought black bedroom pieces and a leather bed.

LEATHER. It really sucked, but I didn’t say anything. We had that stuff for five years, and I felt embarrassed every time a guest saw it, especially my grown daughters. Just pick your battles, sorry love you’re slightly, um, YTA kinda.

rendar1853 −  INFO: is it that you don’t like the changes or you don’t like change?