AITA me and wife moved into grandmas now she’s selling the house ?

A couple moved into the wife’s grandmother’s house to help her with loneliness after the passing of her husband. They made an agreement to spend time with her but still maintain their independence.

However, after another family member moved out, the grandmother became passive-aggressive and now threatens to sell the house if they don’t spend more time with her. The couple feels caught in the middle of their own needs and their grandmother’s expectations. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA me and wife moved into grandmas now she’s selling the house ?’

Over a year ago my wife lost her grandpa to dementia. Her grandparents had been married for 60 years, and understandably anxiety and nervousness about being alone can torment a person especially in their time of grief. To help out her grandmother my father in law renovated the basement and made it a studio apartment so to speak.

In the time frame of the renovation family members would stay a night away from their own loved ones and spend it with grandma to ease anxiety and loneliness. My wife and myself talked with her grandma about how moving in would go and that yes we will still spend time with her during the week for our weekly dinner and time on the weekend, but we are a young couple we like spending time together.

There are hobbies we have that we want to do and we aren’t moving in to be upstairs with her 24/7, we are there to ease her anxiety about nighttime. Three months into the renovation a family friend moved in as he was on the split from his partner. He spent a majority of his time when not working in the living room watching tv with her.

Recently he’s gotten back in his feet and has moved into his own place. This is where the problems have started. Since him moving out we have to “pick up his upstairs time”. My wife reminded her grandma of our agreement upon move in of the two nights a week upstairs visiting and dinner.

Lately her grandma has become extremely passive aggressive towards me and my wife about our hobby and that it’s an extreme waste of time. Now her grandma is saying she’s going to her lawyer and is going to sell the house so she can go back to her home town 2 hours away from where she’s at now and live in a retirement home because we don’t spend enough time with her.

We aren’t the only relatives around. My wife is one of four siblings and her dad, who all visit her once a week and her dad spends three nights a week. While my father in law has a sibling who live in the same town as us and visits once a month if that.

The other two brothers live out of state and have proven that they don’t care about their mother. We pay her grandma rent every month and whether we order out or cook dinner we ask if she would like some or leave a helping of it in her fridge for her to eat later. Are me and my wife the assholes for not spending more time upstairs and causing her grandma to possibly sell her house?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

BarracudaUpstairs −  NTA , but if she wants to sell the house for whatever reason she can. It’s her house and she is the landlord. this is why you don’t rent from family.

Forward-Dingo1431 −  Are you serious. You’re living in her house, and all you can spare are 2 nights out of the week to have dinner with her? I get that you need some time to yourselves, but to actually sit down with her and say we will only give you 2 evenings out of our precious time and we even throw some takeout her way makes my heart hurt for her. It’s no wonder she would rather sell her house and live in a retirement home. YTA.

Tangerine_Bouquet −  NAH. You’re not TA for living your own life and seeing this as renting living space, while visiting grandma on a schedule. The grandma is also not TA for deciding something else will work better for her. She can sell her house and move; she’ll give you notice to move out.

Her demands seem unreasonable to you, and are certainly not reasonable for a tenant–but this is a separate, family-based need to time together. She is more than free to seek it out elsewhere, even if that ends up being inconvenient for you. Be ready to search for a new place to live.

FlanSwimming8607 −  I don’t know what your hobby is but watching a tv show or spending an hour or so with grandma when you are home doesn’t seem outrageous. She has a right to sell her home. She’s lonely and wants company. Maybe she can get that in a retirement home since you are unwilling to accommodate her needs.

GetBakedBaker −  “Are me and my wife the assholes for not spending more time upstairs and causing her grandma to possibly sell her house?” That depends, did you want to continue to live with her?

If you wanted to continue to live in the house with her and she is letting you know that she needs you and your wife to spend more time with her, and you won’t, you are the AH. Not sure why you can’t eat dinner with her more than two night a week? I would give anything to have more time, with my parents and grandparents.. YTA

15021993 −  YTA. Living in the same house and only seeing the person twice a week is weird af. I don’t even know how you can do that without sneaking around lol also shad kind of hobbies is that that you’re not even disclosing it?

She can sell her house because it’s her house. You have no say in it and just go and search a place for your own. I’d be weirded out if someone lives in my basement and I only see them twice a week, that would make me more anxious than before.

briomio −  She will be happier in a retirement home as there is a built in social life. Accept her decision and help her to sell and move.

dyingslowlyinside −  NAH. I lived with my gma for a couple of years early on on my PhD, for her sake and mine. Had my own little apartment in her house and paid rent and utilities. Was supposed to be living autonomously and helping out/keeping her company.

But found out quickly that I was very much living in her home according to her rules. Meals together were an obligation, having women over was a no-no, and staying out late/getting up late was forbidden lol, and my space was to be kept grandmotherly clean at all times…she’d come in to inspect.

Your gma is old and stuck in her ways, I’d imagine, and not unreasonably expects to see you and share meals with you daily…because you are living in her home. She likely can’t wrap her head around the fact you are living there but not spending your free time with her. She’s probably accustomed to different cultural values and the idea, even though she agreed to it, is one she can’t understand.

In the end this is why I moved out. I wouldn’t trade those years with her for anything but I needed my independence. It was painful for us both to part but in the end it’s what I needed. Until she moved in with my aunt, I visited her multiple times a week, including the whole day Sunday dinners. It just sounds like you both have different expectations, and no one is at fault. But you probably need to move out. 

Jmac_files −  NAH, you and wife can spend your time however you choose and grandma can do whatever she wants with her house.

Recent-Necessary-362 −  YTA. You give her two days and dinners. That’s awesome and was the original agreement. Not TA here. She has a friend move in, things are smooth. He moves out, grandma is lonely. She’s older and just lost a friend who watched tv and stuff with her daily.

You’re still living in the home and she’s asked for an extra time and you’re pissy? Are you not there for friends or family if they’re grieving, emotional or going through something? Why couldn’t you try doing puzzles or just watching a show or two with her?

Just for a little bit to make the transition easier to having nobody again. And YTA for that and for the fact that you’re upset she wants to sell her home. Umm it’s her home. If you don’t want to give up an extra day or some time with her (again an hour for a show wouldn’t kill you) then be prepared for her to move to her hometown where she probably has friends and family and knows she won’t have to beg people to acknowledge her.

Do you think the couple is being unfair by not spending more time with the grandmother, or is the grandmother’s expectation too much, given the circumstances? How would you navigate this delicate balance between caring for a loved one and maintaining personal space? Share your thoughts below!