AITA if I stop paying my daughter’s tuition over a disgusting comment she made towards my new girlfriend?

A Reddit user shared a difficult family conflict involving his daughter’s rude behavior toward his new girlfriend, who helped him find happiness after the death of his wife. During Thanksgiving, the daughter made a cruel comment about the girlfriend’s weight, leading the user to cancel his financial support for her college tuition until she apologized. The daughter is now pleading for him to change his mind, but he remains firm. Read the full story below to see if you think his decision is fair.

‘ AITA if I stop paying my daughter’s tuition over a disgusting comment she made towards my new girlfriend?’

My (56M) wife died at the young age of 51 from a car accident. I was in deep mourning for about a year after her d**th. I met my new GF C (43F) around January. C was the one who made me laugh for the first time after my wife died. She’s smart as hell (3 Ivy League degrees), has a dark sense of humor that I love, a terrific cook, and overall an amazing woman who I can imagine spending the rest of my life with. She is also on the heavier side, a fact that becomes relevant later.

I have 2 children, E (25M) and A (19F). They were well aware that I had gotten a new GF before I first introduced them to C this summer. She got along immediately with E, but A was very very standoffish. After that initial meeting I asked A if there was something wrong but she denied it. C made a few more attempts to get to know A but they were all rudely rejected.

E and A both came home for Thanksgiving dinner. I asked A to please be polite during the meal since she’s always been rude in her interactions with C even though C has been nothing but gracious in return. The dinner was going as well as it could have for the first 10 minutes, although I noticed A glaring at C the entire time.

When C went to grab her third helping of mashed potatoes, A said “Don’t you think you’ve eaten enough, you fat p**?” C started sobbing immediately and ran off into the bedroom. I felt my face turn red and told A to get out. About half an hour after A left I texted her stating that I would no longer pay her tuition unless 1. She apologized to C and 2. C accepts her apology.

A must have assumed that I was bluffing because she instead doubled down on her behavior during Thanksgiving dinner. I then logged into her university’s tuition payment website, canceled next semester’s tuition, and sent A the screenshots. She called me crying and begging me to reconsider but I told her my mind was made up.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

jojoamethyst −  ESH. Something more is undoubtedly going in between C and A. You need to find out why A has such a strong dislike of her and reacted so strongly. A is probably still deep in mourning for her mother. You’ve managed to put your grief behind you, but the process is much slower for some people. Seeing C in her mother’s place at Thanksgiving was probably very hard on your daughter. That doesn’t excuse her rudeness, but it might explain it.

Secondly, you’ve made your daughter’s tuition dependant on C accepting her apology. As the fees are something between you and your daughter that’s not appropriate especially as C seems to be the issue here. Edit: when I say ‘C is the issue’ I mean the relationship C and A have, not C herself.

THEKaynMayn −  Yall dont need reddit, yall need some f**king therapy. Edit: Ty for silver. Edit numero dos: holy s**t thank you.

coachstopsdrinking −  ESH. Daughter is likely still mourning from the loss of her mother, but went WAY over the line. However she’s now in a position where she won’t be able to get a job and save enough to make it through school, thus condemning her to either drop out or take massive loans. Both options seriously negatively impact her future and likely would prevent her from maturing beyond the person she is now.

Edit to add: I agree the daughter should apologize, that’s why she also sucks. Did you not read my whole comment before writing “wHy DoEsN’t ThE dAuGhTeR jUsT sAy SoRrY”?

[Reddit User] −  ESH. Are you trying to set your new girlfriend up to be hated by her? Because it certainly sounds like you are with this tactic.

Pahpeevi −  Make sure you marry this chick if it was worth throwing your daughters future away over a comment.

aquara_themermaid −  ESH – Your daughter needs therapy, she’s been mourning a year and is currently lashing out at someone who she feels is trying to replace her mom. I think using money to force an apology isn’t the way to get a genuine apology because to her you’re now the guy who moved on from her mom with someone new and forcing her into student loan debt.

If she apologizes, I doubt it’ll be genuine and she may cut ties with you in the future over using the money as a manipulation tactic. Everyone is hurting right now, and your daughter is acting very rudely to your girlfriend, have you actually talked to her about why she’s treating her this way? It’s like you’re putting more effort in taking away money than you are in talking to your daughter to figure out the root cause.

Another thing to consider is the deceased wife contributed to saving up the funds for her daughter’s education. That money is intended for her to use for school, and that should be honored. At the end of the day that money is for the daughter to use for her education.

That money is not conditional to not being a b**t towards dad’s new girlfriend. It’s wrong to be a b**t, and it’s damaging to those relationships, but has nothing to do with her college funds. Removing a child’s access to education isn’t being a parent (or caring).

Morihando −  YTA for acting badly just like she did. Why don’t you instead act like an adult and try to communicate with her? She’s 19 and she just lost her mom only a year ago. She can’t replace her with a new mom like you can replace her with a new GF. Maybe she’s suffering because she’s not ready to see her mom’s place at the table be replaced with someone else. Just because you’re ready to move on doesn’t mean everyone else is ready.

jdessy −  ESH- Obviously, A sucks for how rudely she was speaking to your girlfriend. But my god, punishing your daughter by not paying her tuition SEEMS like it’s overboard. Obviously, your daughter is still grieving over the loss of her mother. Yes, she probably needs to talk to someone about that.

But your reaction was way harsh toward your daughter. It’s not an acceptable punishment to an action that’s obviously wrong. It feels equivalent to sending someone to jail for jay walking. The punishment doesn’t fit the crime, so to speak. I think you need to have a serious talk with your daughter, either way.

starry_skyz −  YTA. Have you considered your daughter might be upset at the loss of her mother and as a 19 yo this is how it’s showing? As the parent you have a responsibility to be the more grownup-grownup here.
Edit: thank you kind stranger for the silver!

N_Jay_Bee −  ESH. Your daughter is CLEARLY not over loosing her mom, and then seeing you REPLACE her mom not even 2 years after she’s gone is probably like a knife in the heart. Just because she says she’s fine, doesn’t mean she is. Think from your daughters perspective.

Your mom dies, tragically and unexpected, then a year later dad has already moved on with a new woman, while you’re still having a rough time. I guarantee you A is still grieving, and while it doesn’t make it ok for her to lash out, you need to understand where its coming from. She’s not doing it to be evil, she’s hurt.

While I can see why your first instinct would be to punish her, realistically you’re driving her further away. this isn’t just a girl whose being a b**t, it’s a girl who lost the most important person in the world for her, and probably feels like she’s loosing you too to this new woman. 

would bet my left hand that she feels incredibly lonely and o**rwhelmed with all the change. Your daughter is in pain right now. It’s great you got over the d**th of your wife so quickly and are able to move on, but your daughter isn’t. You can get another wife, she will never get another mom, but she probably feels like you’re trying to force her with a new one.

What will happen is she refuses to apologize? She’ll have to drop out of school since she can’t pay. Where will she go, I’m guessing you won’t let her live with you and your new GF. Do you know what happens to desperate 19 y/o females with no where to go? Hint: it’s not good.

If I was in your daughters shoes, and you set it up like “apologize to my GF, or I’m not paying for your school anymore” I would think “clearly she’s more important to him than I am and what I’m going through.” and I would resent your GF SO MUCH (because she probably feels like you are choosing GF over her) that you would never get an apology from me, or hear from me again. Yes your daughter was wrong, but she is in way too much pain to see that, or really to think clearly.

If I were you I would tell her I’d still be willing to pay for school, but only if you attend counseling sessions, and some we can go to together, because this type of aggressive behavior is unacceptable, and we have to get to the bottom of it.
If the counseling works, she will come to the conclusion to apologize on her own, and wouldn’t that apology mean more than one you are forcing out of her anyway? If she apologizes now just because you make her, and not because she’s actually sorry, it’s only a matter of time before something like this happens again.