AITA If I Set Boundaries With My Mother and Threaten To Cut Her Out Of My Life If She Doesn’t Respect Them?
A Redditor, a 24-year-old transgender man, shared a deeply personal account of feeling neglected by his mother throughout his life. Despite being a consistent figure in his life, her actions—favoring siblings, dismissing his achievements,
and invalidating his emotions—have strained their relationship. Now, he’s considering setting firm boundaries, even if it means risking complete estrangement. Read his heartfelt story below.
‘ AITA If I Set Boundaries With My Mother and Threaten To Cut Her Out Of My Life If She Doesn’t Respect Them?’
So, long post coming and I probably won’t word things right but I need more advice. I (24 transgender male) have always had issues with communicating with my mom, and it was alright in high school and everything but lately unresolved feelings have come to the surface.
To get an idea of everything I grew up with divorced parents and my mom had my brother (30 M) with someone else six years before she had me. For a majority of my childhood, despite her getting remarried when I was 3, it was just me, mom, and my brother in the house.
The man she was with was a recovering a**oholic and he would take his anger out on us by yelling and emotionally abusing us. Well, when I was 12 and my brother was 18 they divorced and my brother enlisted in the air force; so I went from being the youngest to the only child.
During the time they were getting a divorce, that was really the only time I really had my mothers undivided attention. It was the only time I felt that she really paid attention to me and cared about how I was feeling.
When I was 14 she got together with my stepdad who had 3 kids that were still in school and all younger than me, and when their mom had a mental break they came and lived with us. All of a sudden I was the oldest sibling with the responsibility of looking out for my younger siblings and I was just starting high school.
To make matters worse, the following year my grandmother was diagnosed with stage 4 Lung/Bone cancer. I did what I could to help with my siblings and support my mom emotionally but it feels like she never really saw a lot of what I did.
That Christmas, even though I had asked for a tablet or something to do my artwork that I do, we all got a Wii U because my younger brothers expressed interest in games that were coming out for the system.
I ended up still getting sketchbooks and canvases to do art, but the boys really got what they wanted and my younger sister ended up getting a ukulele that she never really learned how to play. That year for my birthday was spent in the hospital with my dying grandmother who passed away only a few short weeks later.
The next year I had asked for similar things and a few games for the xbox my dad had handed down to me when he’d gotten a new one. I got one of the games from “santa”, but not the drawing tablet. My little brothers ended up getting a Nintendo Switch that year.
This continued for the next few years with my mom and stepdad giving me and two of the younger siblings a 3ds due to one of the boys already having one and I got none of what was really on my list. My 18th birthday the only thing I got a six pack of snack cupcakes and a small emoji balloon on a stick.
I had even had an ROTC competition on my birthday and they didn’t even show up to watch me compete because one of my siblings had something going on. My grandmother on my father’s side and my grand father let me take a few friends out to dinner that night.
I’d moved out of our 2 bedroom apartment when I was 16 because there were six of us and I (still presenting as female at the time) was sharing a room with my younger brother who was only 3 years younger than me.
Around 2 months before graduating from high school my mom asked me what I wanted for a graduation present and I told her that all I wanted was to go on a trip with her, I didn’t care where or what we did,
I just wanted a vacation with just my mom and no worries about our personal lives. I graduated nearly 7 years ago now and have yet to go on a trip with her. After I graduated I went to an acting showcase and got a scholarship to acting school,
I had been active in theater in high school and was constantly told I wasn’t good enough so this was a big thing. Everytime I brought it up it didn’t seem like my mom believed I could actually make it through the school and get a degree.
I did, but it was rough. Before going to school I was in a world premiere musical in my hometown about a historical event in the town and while I get they had to take care of my stepdads parents who were going through medical issues at the time,
it still hurt to see them at a gas station and I reminded her of the show and she flat-out told me that she had forgotten about it despite me posting on facebook about it for weeks beforehand.
Shortly before leaving for school I had a bad depressive episode and nearly killed myself thinking that I was just going to constantly be in the background with people I cared about. I went through a partial-hospitalization program that helped me come up with coping skills for my mental health that I’ve used to this day.
Because I was still on my moms health insurance, she got the bill for it when I was in New York and called me about it. I told her just bits and pieces because I was ashamed and she only ended up yelling at me, and because I still felt that she didn’t really care about me I limited contact with her then and only focused on getting through school.
On my 20th birthday I sat in my kitchen in my college apartment with my roommate cooking behind me while I was on the phone with her and listened to her yell at me about not communicating for an hour and a half which ended with me in tears.
I somehow made it through acting school during COVID and everything and came out as Transgender between the two schoolyears. When I told her she said she still loved me and she constantly still tries to use the right pronouns and my name, but it’s hard for her.
I don’t get upset because both her and my stepdad are constantly trying. This last year I thought we were getting better with our relationship, especially when my grandfather on her side was diagnosed with gastroesophageal cancer and nearly died from a routine operation.
We communicated and helped each other through it and everything seemed fine. I ended up with some health problems from work and due to the run around I got from them I ended up quitting my job.
Recently a new game came out that doesn’t work on my Xbox One and I asked for help from both her and my father to try and get a PS5 so I could play games with my friends in my freetime and relax, especially with me in training to be an EMT with the goal of eventually being a Paramedic.
I need things to do with everything I am going to experience. Well, I experienced a bad call on a ride-along this past weekend and called my mom for advice on how to adjust to it since she’s a nurse. During the call she flat out told me she was done getting game systems for us kids so I shouldn’t even bother asking her for it,
and the only kid that’s getting one is my youngest brother because that’s what he asked for as a graduation present. I don’t want to have to cut my mom out of my life, I really don’t. She’s the only parent who’s always been in my life consistently because my father couldn’t handle being a good dad to me and my two oldest brothers from him,
but he’s at least come back and tried to make up for everything. I just feel like my mom never listens to me and has constantly pushed me to the side to worry about the other kids because I never really had problems in school or when I was younger.
I plan to sit down with her and set boundaries with her that my current roommate told me I should do and explain to her my feelings. The only problem is, is that when I do bring this stuff up to her, she either shuts down and starts yelling or she just denies everything and gaslights me.
And I know that if I set these boundaries she’ll send everyone my way to try and get me to see “reason” and lift these boundaries, which will only give me one option and that is to cut her out completely. But that would also mean cutting out people important to me and risk a relationship with my brother’s kids. So AITA if I do this?
Here’s the comments of Reddit users:
theferal1 − What boundaries are you going to set? There’s a lot of you feeling slighted, not being given things you want.. Is that her crossing boundaries? I wouldn’t be helping to buy a ps5 for an (unemployed?) 24 year old adult kid. Without more info. It sounds like you might be an ah.
BabeVibes22 − Setting boundaries with your mom is like trying to teach a cat to fetch—good luck with that! But hey, if it means keeping your sanity intact, go for it! 🐱✌️
ButtercupBreeze1 − NTA. Your mother’s consistent disregard for your feelings and needs, coupled with her dismissive behavior, is deeply hurtful and unsustainable. Setting firm boundaries is crucial for your well-being, and while cutting her off is a drastic step, it’s a valid option if she refuses to respect those boundaries.
star_toe_middle − You’re not the a**hole for wanting boundaries or to talk to your mom about serious stuff without her interrupting or hand waving your concerns away. That being said, this post contains several paragraphs of writing about things you didn’t get as gifts,
most of which are video game systems. Everyone is different and can value whatever they want, but it reads as extremely immature to be talking about Christmas lists as a 24 year old.
milesdraws − Sorry your mom doesn’t buy your grown ass a PS5 for Christmas I guess? Like what boundaries is she crossing? What? 😭
Handyhelping − I cut my mom out of my life for years. I regret but she had problems, mainly drugs and stealing money out of my bank account. If it’s just social issues fix it with her some how. Therapy? I don’t know what. Even when my mom was heathy I wouldn’t talk to her. Time that is loss is time you’re not going to get back.
My mom has now gotten better and I regret the time we could have had. It still took me years to talk to her again. I regret it. Even though she fucked me over so bad. Your problem is a lot different than mine but try and find a way to work it out. I absolutely hated my mom.
iDreamiPursueiBecome − The other people who are important to you presumably have their own phones, email, etc. You shouldn’t need to go through your mother to stay in touch with them.. NTA.. My advice,
1st make certain you have already set up and been using other lines of communication with people who matter to you. Then PUBLICLY sit her down and talk about WHY you are setting boundaries, and then what the boundaries are. Have it written down (multiple copies). Other people can hear you out and not just get her version.
When she storms off, you can leave a written copy of everything. Also, an extra copy or so for other family members can help them keep the facts straight. When people are emotional, they hear things filtered through fears/expectations, etc. They don’t always hear what is actually being said. A written record is helpful.
ULT_Babestation − NTA. You are absolutely entitled to set boundaries with your mother, and it’s a sign of emotional growth and self-respect. It’s clear that she has been emotionally neglectful and dismissive of your needs and feelings throughout your life. It’s important to protect your mental health, even if it means distancing yourself.
It’s okay to set those limits for your own well-being, and even if it leads to difficult conversations or temporary fallout, you’re doing what’s necessary for your emotional health. It’s not an ultimatum, it’s a preservation of your peace.
zanne54 − NTA to set boundaries and enforce consequences. But I don’t see telling your Mom your plans in advance going very well. Arguing about the past deflects from the present & future. So don’t give her the heads up; just start your plan and deal with her as it comes.
Balownga − NTA. However, you display yourself as a victim, and you are, but instead of trying to break this unpleasant state apart, you wear it as a misery trophy cloak. This kind of self-pity won’t lead you anywhere. My mother do not love me, never has and never will. All I could get from her was denigration.
I moved on, only because I had nothing else to do. People usually stays in a well-know suffering, because they fear the unknown happiness. You KNOW your mom consider you low priority in her life. Most of her interaction with you was more politeness than anything else.
You know, when you do something you don’t like/want, but you do it anyway, just because that way you can’t be accused of “not doing it”? Your mom behave the bare minimum as a mom to you, just enough to not avoid reproach. We exist to those people only through what we cost to them : time or money.
You should cut off your mom from your life : she will let your relation rot for weeks, then Months, and after years and finally decades, or she may cut you faster : as son as nobody from her side remember you, you will cease to exist. That is how people function, and most people are assholes.
Do you think the Redditor’s decision to set boundaries is justified, or should he approach the situation differently to preserve family ties? How would you handle unresolved emotions and strained relationships with a parent? Share your thoughts below!