AITA if I have my boyfriend over?

A Reddit user shared their frustration about a new roommate setting strict boundaries on having guests over, specifically her boyfriend. She had been upfront about her plans to spend more time with him when they decided to live together, and they each have their own rooms. However, her roommate refused, expressing discomfort even if he only stayed in the bedroom and avoided shared spaces. Read on to see the full story below.

‘ AITA if I have my boyfriend over?’

So I (20F) am living with my roommate (20F). I’m in a relationship with (20M). We’re all in the same college and I was looking for places for move out from the dorms. When I met my now roommate, I told her one of the main reasons I’m moving out is for my boyfriend so I can spend more time with him.

We move in tomorrow to our house and we both have our own separate bedrooms. I asked her today if it’s okay to have my boyfriend over at night. We don’t cook and we get our food from outside so we wouldn’t even be using the kitchen.

I told her he would come in and come straight to my room. We wouldn’t use any shared living spaces except for the bathroom. She said “no, I wouldn’t feel comfortable having him over, even to get to the bathroom or kitchen, I’d need to cross your room so no”. AITA if I’m upset over this?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

PovBy899 −  Like why would you even ask for permission, lol? I assume your are both on the lease and pay your share, which means she has as much to say about the situation as the next door neighbour. Just bring him over regardless of her opinion, she can go kick rocks.

TorontoCity19 −  You shouldn’t have asked.

Dizzy-Cheesecake4247 −  INFO- how often do you plan on having your bf over? I saw in another comment you said only at night, but does this mean every night? If you plan on having him over every night I completely understand why she’s uncomfortable. This basically makes him a 3rd roommate and this is not what she signed up for. If it’s just two or at most three nights a week she can’t really be stroppy about it.

morirtea-bb −  How often will he be over? If you guys pay for utilities, it would be pretty unreasonable to have him over frequently (thus driving up hydro/water bills). Also, if he is always over, yall should split the rent 3 ways. However, if it’s only a once in a while thing, it shouldn’t affect her.

The only thing that maybe makes her feel uncomfortable is perhaps trauma from men, which is kinda valid. I would say the way to help with that is giving her the heads up when he does come over.

Janawham_Blamiston −  NTA. It’s your house too, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be allowed to have your bf over

Kamyla_Draconia −  Like some others asked: How often is he staying over? In a comment you mentioned „only at night“, so does that mean everyday Because having a boyfriend over from time to time, especially when it’s pre-negotiated, is completely fine imo and I’d say NTA. But if he‘s coming by everday? That‘s practically having a third roommate, which I doubt she agreed to, so that would make YTA.

ari1696 −  I would like to tell something similar that happened to me but from the roommate’s perspective.

I moved with two friends and one of them had a boyfriend (Alexa), my friend without a boyfriend (Amelie) and I moved because it was closer to work and my friend with a boyfriend moved because she wanted more freedom than what she had at home with her parents, her mother was opposed to her relationship with her boyfriend so moving was her answer.

The thing is, we had very different expectations of what it would be like to finally leave our parents’ house. I lived in a fairly toxic and somewhat violent environment and I saw this move as a way to find my comfort zone, my safe place, where I’ll feel free.

Before moving we all got together to talk, and Alexa ask if we would be okay with her bringing her boyfriend home from time to time. I am a person with social anxiety but I understood that it was an appropriate request, so I responded that I was okay with that as long as I don’t feel like I am living with him.

In other words, if there is someone else in the house it stops being a comfortable place for me to be, but if it is from time to time it seems reasonable to me. And Alexa replied that she was fine with my answer. Long story short Alexa started taking her boyfriend more and more often to our house and after the second month he ended up living with us.

All this has much more context, but with Amelie we allowed it basically to avoid conflicts and in any case I never managed to feel it as the comfort zone that I wanted, since I always felt that he already lived there with us, so I caved.

But I know what it feels like to feel invaded in my own home, and over time we came to the conclusion that we were simply incompatible to live with. Amelie and I continued living together because we felt the same way about the bf living with us and in general we were compatible roommates.

With Alexa as friends everything was okay, but as roommates it wasn’t feasible. Because her freedom clashed with my freedom. In your case, if you discussed it previously with your roommate, I think you are NTA, but perhaps she had other expectations and it is best that you do not live together anymore.

First_Grapefruit_326 −  INFO: Do you have a lease or a written agreement? Does it provide any guidance on guest policies? While you told your roommate that your primary reason for moving is to have more time and space with your boyfriend, I think you should’ve formalized an agreement before move-in day.
I don’t think you’re the a**hole, but I don’t think this roommate relationship will go well or last long

AsparagusOverall8454 −  If he’s staying over every night then he’s not just visiting, he’s living there. Your roommate has every right to not be okay with that. That means he will be using the bathroom at night and the morning and just generally being in her space for a large period of the night. Having him there for a few hours during the day is drastically different than him spending the night every night.

Spy-D-23 −  If your roommate has to go through your room to get to communal spaces that is a bit unfair to her.

Do you think the Redditor is justified in feeling frustrated, or should she respect her roommate’s boundaries despite her prior intentions? How would you handle a situation where your roommate limits guest visits? Share your thoughts below!