AITA if I “cancel” Christmas because I can’t afford it this year?

A Reddit user facing financial difficulties shares his struggle over potentially “canceling” Christmas this year. As the sole provider for his family, he feels overwhelmed by debt and unable to afford holiday expenses, leading him to consider skipping decorations and presents altogether. With his young daughter too young to remember, he wonders if he’s doing the right thing or if he’s letting his family down. See his full story and the emotional responses it received below.

‘ AITA if I “cancel” Christmas because I can’t afford it this year?’

The article has my second update below.

Title says it all, sole provider for family, all credit cards maxed, negative bank balance, upcoming missed payments until my next check, basically destitute for the foreseeable future. My wife and I usually decorate on Black Friday, but this year I don’t want to.

The thought of putting up our fake tree knowing I’ll have nothing to put under it fills me with such a mix of shame, anger, and pain. I would prefer to just let December pass and cut out as many things as I can until I can get my finances under control. Plus, my daughter is 2. She won’t know, care, or even remember one missed Christmas. So, AITA? I’m already a failure as a husband and father, so what say you here?

THIS HAS SPUN OUT OF CONTROL! I never thought my sad man pity party would get this kind of response. I was expecting to be called an a**hole, validate my self loathing, and claw my way out of debt by working harder. I did not expect the absolute torrent of love and support that I in no way deserve or can accept. INFO (And I am so sorry for not making this crystal clear in the original post): Our mortgage and utilities are paid.

There is food in our fridge and my next paycheck(s) is secure, even though it, too, will all go to bills with none left over for gifts. I pretended not to notice that we weren’t keeping up our pre-child lifestyle without credit cards and I got in over my head and now have to dig myself out of a relatively deep hole meaning I won’t have money for gifts and meals out and holiday gatherings and whatnot for a good bit of time to come.

But, I have a great job and an outstanding family support system who all live close by and know what debt feels like and will understand if we can’t chip in this year with anything but our presence, but it just felt shameful to have the advantages I have and still manage to f**k it up as bad as I did without asking for help.

As for all the people begging me to accept help, here is why I can’t: I make a good salary. There is no chance of me or my family going hungry. We have food and will have money for food budgeted into my paychecks, which are secure as my job is secure. I have an extremely well funded 401k from 18 years of office work and life insurance to safeguard my family.

Thank you all who were offering food. Thank you all who offered to buy my 2 year old’s amazon wish list. She’s 2 and does not have one. My wife and I had already decided that she has too many toys and so we had only things like books and a learning tablet in mind for her. She’ll be ok if we can’t buy her “stuff”. She already has “stuff”. Her close in age cousins live on our street and we exchange toys and clothes all the time and both our houses are cluttered with “stuff”.

This was not about garnering pity or soliciting charity. It was my insecurity equating gifts with love that warped Christmas for me. It almost ruined Christmas for me. Regardless of the vote here, I truly am THE a**hole for that. So please, turn your charity to your communities, your neighbors. Not some middle class j**off who spent himself into debt trying to prove how much he loved a family that only needed him to be a happy and healthy presence at home.

You all have humbled me beyond words, beyond charity. You have given me both the perspective and the courage to seek professional help, both financial and psychological, and hopefully it’s not too late for this stupid old man to become a better father and husband.

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. His spirit is truly embodied in all of you beautiful and selfless redditors. Never lose the light. Love and cheer to all. But as you can see, I deserve neither your charity nor your goodness, and I’m going to go disappear back into anonymity now if possible and work on me.

Second update: https://aita.pics/TTvJJ

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

StragglingShadow −  A very gentle YTA Decorating with stuff you have wont cost anything but will make your wife happy. Christmas isnt about presents under the tree. Its the memories you make around that tree with people you love. Let her decorate if she wants to. Youre also an a**hole to yourself in this post. Listen. Debt cripples people. It crushes them and spits them out so it has room to gobble up another guy. You arent a failure. You gotta be nicer to yourself man. Good luck.

nomad_1970 −  NAH but just because you don’t have anything to put under the tree doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate. Don’t celebrate the presents (or lack thereof). Celebrate the things you do have, a wife who loves you, a daughter who will be thrilled to just spend time with her father. No need to spend money to celebrate. There’s absolutely no need to feel shame just because you can’t afford things. Edited after some discussion to change nta to nah.

Gwendolynftw −  Nah but maybe put up the decorations and wrap a toy she already has but hasn’t played with in awhile. At that age half of the excitement is just ripping something open.

wickedkittylitter −  NAH. There’s nothing wrong with scaling back your holiday because of financial problems. Put your daughter’s name on a list at a social agency for a gift. The Angel Tree or something similar. Keep an eye and ear out for various charities that give away turkeys and other ingredients for a holiday meal.

Financial problems happen and there’s nothing to be ashamed of, but don’t completely cancel everything. It’s just not necessary. This year, concentrate on spending time together as a family instead of on gifts and buying things. Put the tree up, listen to music if you like it and enjoy your daughter and her sense of excitement that comes from colored lights.

HellaHighAtHogwarts −  YTA- but I say that gently. Your kiddo is only two. You can make the best Christmas with very very little. You have a month to look on FB market. Do you have Nextdoor in your area? We’ve gotten a bunch of free stuff for the kids that neighbors give away. Check garage sales. My oldest thinks he’s the king of the world if we give him $5 and take him to the dollar store.

It’s all junk that ends up trashed eventually from breaking but he loves it. Stream a Christmas movie and have cocoa. If you have access to a printer, print a bunch of Christmas coloring pages and have a color party. Walmart has $1 bathtub paint that’s basically soap. Don’t be so hard on yourself. There will be plenty of Christmases where you can go all out and those will be remembered.

ajo31 −  YTA not because you don’t have money to buy gourds but because you’re making the holiday about only material things. Honestly this is the perfect way to teach your daughter that Christmas isn’t about the presents you get but that it’s about family and who you’re with.

Let her help you decorate. Bake some cookies. Watch Christmas movies. That’s what Christmas is about. Spending time together. Don’t deprive her of a learning experience. We need more kids who grow up without only wanting and valuing material things.

frozen_hell66 −  What’s that sub.. r/randomactsofchristmas.

[Reddit User] −  INFO – have you talked to your wife about this? Christmas isn’t about presents, it’s a time you should spend with your family. Find the joy in that.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Two year olds get toys and play in the box. If you *must* get something, find the biggest cardboard box you can (FREE!) and get your daughter a “spaceship/secret fort” for Xmas. Line it with some pillows and blankets from home so it’s cozy and familiar, decorate it if you’re crafty. The holidays are about sharing time with those we care about. Your time is the greatest gift you can give someone, especially your kids.

CassandraCole −  YTA I sympathize but, (assuming your wife wants to celebrate) why punish your wife and daughter for this bad situation? Xmas isn’t supposed to be about money. Maybe if you focus on the non-presents stuff and try to have fun as a family, it will make you feel a bit better too.

Of course, if your wife doesn’t care, do whatever. Just keep in mind that you’re not going to be able to avoid running into Xmas stuff outside the house. Seems like it would be more depressing to go from festive cheer outside to nothing inside (if you normally would be celebrating), but maybe that’s just me.