AITA if I asked my daughter’s Deipnophobic boyfriend not to come over when we are eating?

A parent’s discomfort with their daughter’s boyfriend—who has deipnophobia (fear of eating in front of others)—causes tension. The boyfriend left abruptly when meals were involved and acted awkwardly at shared dining events.

The parent, feeling uncomfortable eating in front of someone not eating, asked the daughter to have her boyfriend avoid mealtimes. The daughter accuses the parent of discriminating against his disability, leading to conflict. read the original story below…

‘ AITA if I asked my daughter’s Deipnophobic boyfriend not to come over when we are eating?’

My daughter been dating this guy a couple months. One day he was going to hang out and watch movies and have pizza. We ordered pizza, extra to ensure we had enough for him, and as soon as I got home with it, he walked out without even saying goodbye, which we thought was rude.

On another occasion we invited him to a restaurant to celebrate a special event for my daughter. He ordered food, but didn’t eat and spent most of the dinner in the bathroom. Finally we spent the day out with him along and stopped for food. We were all famished.

I encouraged him to order something, my treat, along with everyone else and he refused. Then He just sat there awkwardly watching everyone eat. It made me very uncomfortable because I don’t like people watching me eat. I told my daughter that I think he’s been pretty rude, but she likes him so she thinks his behavior is no big deal.

A little while later, my daughter informs us that he has a issue eating in front of people. So I say “well that’s fine, but then he doesn’t need to hang around at mealtimes because it makes me uncomfortable eating in front of someone that isn’t eating with us.

Now my daughter is mad that I’m discriminating against his disability and I wouldn’t treat someone else like that if they have a disability. Am I the a**hole for not wanting him around at mealtimes?

Check out how the community responded:

[Reddit User] −  Good luck to that dude because that sounds like a horrible way to live. I think NTA because he ordered food at the special event, presumably you paid for it, and then didn’t eat it. Did he take it home? And not communicating why he’s leaving the room is weird and yeah I would find it rude too.

This is the sort of disability that he should get therapy for until he can eat in front of others comfortably. Like he spent a special evening in the bathroom. Why? If he wasn’t eating then what was the problem? You mentioned he sits there awkwardly. Does he talk to people?

Unhappy-Prune-9914 −  NTA – It’s ok if he has this p**bia/disability but what’s not ok is the fact that he doesn’t communicate anything about it but will sit in the bathroom or order food and then not eat it. This is rude behavior.
Not sure why he has to be there at mealtimes if he’s not going to eat anyway. Why can’t he come over before or after meals?

TeenySod −  NTA Phobias are not disabilities, they are anxiety disorders, and her boyfriend either needs to get therapy for his discomfort or – as you have suggested – avoid causing YOU discomfort.

Edit – I see other commenters are treating the p**bia as a disability. For me, the difference is that a disability is not always “manageable/fixable” in respect of being treatable, although of course accommodations can and should be made. Anxiety disorders are 100% treatable if the person is willing to engage with that.

It’s only not ‘none here’ because your daughter is being ridiculous I’m afraid. You’re specifically uninviting her boyfriend from meals because of his behaviours. If she had a mobility impaired or deaf boyfriend (for example) I’m sure you would be happy to have him eat with you.

Ambitious-Writer-825 −  Lemme get this straight: Her boyfriend has issues with food and other people so you suggest that visiting should not be at those times so everyone can be comfortable? And your daughter has issues with this? What is her solution? Unless you’re eating 24/7, there should be many hours he can visit.

NTA. Actually your daughter is the a**hole here. I bet if you talk to the boyfriend he’d be happy with this plan. I doubt he wants to be in these situations any more than you do.

No_Rub5462 −  I have this anxiety as well If i don’t know someone or am overly nervous I physically can’t eat. It’s just one of those things. But i make sure to let people know why Im not eating. the fact he just dipped out is kind of weird

shugersugar −  I have an eating disorder and find it very difficult to eat in front of people. It´s my problem, but after 30 years I´m in a place where this is as good as it’s going to be.

I am fine with other people eating around me, and my close friends know this, so I am able to go out with them to restaurants and usually I´ll either get a drink or order something for takeout. Or if I go to their homes, they are cool with me not eating.

Now without knowing the reason why the BF has such a hard time I can´t say if his not wanting to eat in front of people is any more or less “serious” (able to be addressed and/or overcome) than your not wanting to eat in front of people who aren´t eating.

But I would question whether he was really “watching you eat” or just at the table, participating in conversation and being present but not eating. Maybe you could talk to a therapist about ways to reframe your discomfort?

I´m obviously identifying more with the BF here because of my similar issues, but difficulty with eating is a well-known disease with many manifestations and unless you feel that your discomfort also stems from an eating disorder, I would suggest that you try to adapt.

GrassyTreesAndLakes −  NTA at all! Just sitting and staring at you? Plus all the previous bs? I would be miffed

National-Tangelo-514 −  NTA. If hes having eating issue, by all means, do not come during mealtime.

Is the parent being reasonable, or does this come off as insensitive? What’s the best way to navigate this situation? Share your thoughts below!