AITA – I missed my daughter’s award ceremony because of my son, she’s still not speaking to me?

A single mother shared her painful experience of missing her daughter’s college award ceremony due to a meltdown from her autistic son, for whom she has been the primary caregiver since their father passed away. The daughter, upset over years of feeling overlooked during her childhood, accused her mother of favoring her brother and has since cut ties.

Despite the mother’s efforts to mend the relationship, her daughter remains distant, leaving the mother heartbroken and questioning her actions.

‘ AITA – I missed my daughter’s award ceremony because of my son, she’s still not speaking to me?’

I’ve been a single mom to two kids since they were 6 and 4 – their dad passed away. Around that time, my son was formally diagnosed as autistic. He’s not very verbal and prone to physical outbursts when he has a meltdown. He’s been in therapies of every kind for his entire life and it’s helped somewhat.

Their dad had a life insurance policy which allowed me to stay home as my son’s main caregiver while working freelance, but money was tight and finding anyone capable of watching him has always been a challenge. My daughter was graduating from college last year. A week before the ceremony, she had an awards ceremony for academic achievement.

I was obviously incredibly proud of her. She asked me to come to it and I said I would. Her college is two hours from here. I hired a trained sitter who specializes in autism the day of the ceremony. Right as I was about to leave, my son had a meltdown and was lashing out at the sitter. I couldn’t leave, and he wasn’t calm for hours.

I’d left my daughter a voicemail saying I wasn’t going to be able to make it. She called back that night absolutely livid. She called me a s**tty mother, said I had two kids but only cared about one, that I’d missed every game and performance she’d had as a child and it clearly wasn’t going to change as adults and that she was just done.

She said she knows he can’t help it, but her brother is incapable of showing empathy and it made it hard to be around him without resenting him. She hung up and that was it. I’ve barely spoken with her since. She didn’t send tickets for the graduation we were supposed to go to the next week.

She hasn’t shown up for holidays and I’ve heard she’s engaged but didn’t call to tell me. She’s cut us out, and in the one of three times we’ve spoken since she said it’s easier for her to not have us around than be disappointed and that being alone at events is nothing new for her, she just doesn’t have to bother getting her hopes up I might come now.

AITA – I’ve offered family counselling and all other manner of things. I know I wasn’t a perfect mom growing up – I didn’t make it to her things, but not for lack of caring. I’m heartbroken but I don’t think me not showing up in an emergency should have lost me my daughter forever.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Vaeneyx −  YTA — But you only have so much of a choice to be. You’ve missed every performance, game, and ceremony. You hired a trained sitter for this event but didn’t trust them enough and stayed yourself. Your daughter has it hard enough not having a dad to come to any of her events, but she never had a mom there either.

It sounds like she’s always been second hand to her brother, which is incredibly understanding at times, but you haven’t made enough effort to find someone who could atleast handle him for *one* night. She’s your kid too. She still needs her mom at these events, she still needs her mom to show her support, not just tell her.

Also, this wasn’t the first time you didn’t show up, she cut you off because you *never* showed up. You can only expect her to go through that disappointment so many times.

SaxifragetheGreen −  YTA. For their entire lives, your son has taken up more of your time and attention, and every time you do what you need to for him at the expense of your daughter.
You should have left your son to his meltdown, and actually supported your child the way you said you would.

This is how you drive your daughter away, and it appears you’re only realizing this now, after she’s fed up with your blatant favoritism. She’s cut us out, and in the one of three times we’ve spoken since she said it’s easier for her to not have us around than be disappointed and that being alone at events is nothing new for her, she just doesn’t have to bother getting her hopes up I might come now.

Yeah, you’re the a**hole here. You’ve taught her for years that she doesn’t matter, that her achievements don’t matter, that her concerns don’t matter, and that all that matters is her shithead non-functioning brother, who always gets his way and never contributes or accomplishes anything. In short, you’ve earned this, and you’ve been earning it for years.

I’m heartbroken but I don’t think me not showing up in an emergency should have lost me my daughter forever. Stop thinking about yourself and your own damn selfish needs. You’ve never put your daughter first, and she’s tired of you justifying it. You lost your daughter for now because you drove her away.

xHeero −  YTA. You sound like the stereotypical parent that has one special needs child and because of that child you n**lect the needs of your other children because you always have an excuse…the special needs child. S**t you even have a special needs trained sitter and you still use it as an excuse to skip important things for your daughter.

Sorry for your situation but after 18+ years you should have figured out how to manage things such that you can make it to important events for your daughter.

NDaveT −  INFO:. Was it *really* an emergency? Were all the other missed events *really* emergencies? Or has your son learned that having a meltdown will prevent you from leaving? What would the sitter have done if he’d had a meltdown after you left?

zobo52 −  yta – as a sibling to an autistic kid, my parents always pay attention to them, and they always put me second.

hface84 −  YTA, unfortunately. I know you’re hurt and I’m sure it was very difficult to be in your position, but you let your daughter down in a major way. I’m heartbroken but I don’t think me not showing up in an emergency should have lost me my daughter forever. It wasn’t just this one emergency, it’s that it’s been everything for her whole life.

You hired a trained sitter, what would have happened if the meltdown happened 1 hour into your drive, would you have turned around or let the trained person you hired do their job? She always comes last, so it’s easier to step back, I understand where she is coming from.

secretcakeeater −  I hate to say this but YTA. My step son (SS) is autistic as well, but verbal and high functioning. He manipulates my husband all the time, perfectly timed melt downs and other misbehaviors to get attention. The thing I have observed living with them is that SS doesn’t differentiate between good and negative attention, he only sees attention.

He will do whatever it takes to get said attention, even if its to allow himself to get into to a full meltdown. We have worked really hard on not giving him negative attention or rewarding bad behaviors. My husband didn’t even realize he had been rewarding the bad behaviors, because it was so engrained in him to give SS what he wanted to minimize the damage.

You cant give in to your son forever, its not realistic. I understand how horrible meltdowns are, I have experienced many first had and I know its super easy for anyone who has not been in that situation to say walk away. But you really need to walk away. What will happen to your son when you are gone?

If a trained caregiver cant handle him during a meltdown what will his life without you be like? My advice is to get counseling for yourself, to learn to set appropriate boundaries for yourself with your son. Then go to your daughter and apologize for putting her second and lay out what steps you are taking to make sure this doesn’t ever happen again.

Its a tough road and Im so sorry you have to walk it alone. The worst part is how little support there really is for this.

[Reddit User] −  info: could you have left your son with the trained sitter, while he had the meltdown? Like, what are the reasons you had to stay with him?. edit: grammar

[Reddit User] −  YTA. Your love means f**k all if it means nothing but pain to the person you supposedly care about. Why should she give a s**t about your broken heart when you’ve done nothing but break hers her entire life? You didn’t lose your daughter because of one “emergency” (as if it deserves the name…). You lost your daughter from a lifetime of being a s**tty parent.

neonriby −  YTA. You literally hired someone to calm him for you.