AITA – I have Stage IV Cancer and said “no s**t” to what I thought was in-laws weird /insensitive comment

A Reddit user shared their experience of navigating a sensitive interaction while battling stage IV cancer. After a heartfelt but seemingly repetitive comment from their in-law, they responded bluntly, leading to hurt feelings and doubts about whether they overreacted. Dive into their story below to see if their reaction was justified or if an apology is in order.

‘ AITA – I have Stage IV Cancer and said “no s**t” to what I thought was in-laws weird /insensitive comment ?’

I have stage IV cancer with young kids and wife. Probably going to die within 1-2 years so my fuse is shortened with certain people. In-law says to me “It must be so hard for your family and what your family is going through. I want you to know this is not your fault”.

They have said something similar to me before and I just said “I know” and moved on. This time I couldn’t take it and said “no s**t, it’s pretty obvious I didn’t deserve cancer and I know it’s not my fault for getting it”. She became upset and told a few people I was rude to her. Should I apologize?

Am I misunderstanding what point she was trying to make? The only way I can think of taking it is that there could be a thought in people’s mind that it my fault for getting cancer and making things so hard for my young family.

I’m young, lived a healthy life (not that I would deserve cancer even if I didn’t) so I don’t get it. Am I being overly sensitive? Was she just looking for a Good Will Hunting moment? I honestly don’t get her point.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

ParsimoniousSalad −  NAH. I’m guessing that she would have felt guilty for “leaving” her family, and just didn’t quite get the difference. People are really clueless in how to cope with illness and death and provide comfort to others. Sorry you’re having to deal with all this.

tatersprout −  NTA When someone is talking to you directly about your situation, they should be extra compassionate and have sympathy for YOU. If they were talking to your family members, then it is okay to sympathize with their perspective.

Your in-laws were basically telling you how hard it is on the people around you, but not even recognizing what this is doing to you. Telling you it’s not your fault is ridiculous when you’ve never voiced that you felt it was. I’m very sorry and hope a virtual hug from a stranger on Reddit helps you know that you aren’t wrong for anything you feel. I hope you are working through your bucket list.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. That’s a pretty big assumption on their part, and quite insulting, if they think they need to remind you it’s not your fault. Then to say YOU were being rude? When you were pointing out how ridiculous and patronizing that statement was with your response? You are definitely NTA.

Dense_Moment_7573 −  NAH. Sometimes, when people get sick like this, there’s a tendency to blame themselves, even when it’s illogical to do that. Kind of a reverse survivor’s guilt, you know? Where sometimes people who survive a c**astrophe feel guilty even though it makes no logical sense?

I think what they might have been trying to express to you is that having those kinds of dark thoughts is ok, and that they’re not the truth. It’s probably also an expression of sorrow at the thought of losing you. You’re their family too, and they’re probably pretty beat up about it as well,

and extremely sorry for what your wife and children are going through too. Honestly, it feels like a mark of respect that they would assume that your emotions are more centered on your family than on yourself,

although obviously it’s pretty natural to swing between those and facing your mortality is certainly as good a time as any to really center yourself. I’d probably apologize if it were me but also ask that maybe we keep conversations a bit more light in the future.

the_lone_pen −  NTA I don’t know what “It’s not your fault” is supposed to mean either in this situation. Does she think you accidentally manifested cancer on yourself? I bet op is tired of hearing the same things over and over again from different people and it’s quite presumptuous on her part to assume you feel blame for the situation.

Gem_Snack −  NTAH, but I can see why she’d initially assume that you’d find that reassuring. I have severe (but not terminal) chronic illness and people frequently imply that it’s my fault and that I could have prevented it by “having a more positive attitude” etc.

Lots of healthy people like to imagine that their health is 100% a deserved reward for good behavior, so there are a lot of victim-blaming narratives out there, especially in religious/spiritual/self-help spaces. But she should’ve taken the hint the first few times she said it.

And the fact that she thinks you need to prioritize being unrelentingly polite/taking care of her feelings even though you’re the one who is dying, makes her the a**hole in this situation imo.

InsideSufficient5886 −  Sometimes people just talk a lot. They say words for no reason. In this scenario, she just wants to say words to console you because she doesn’t know what else to say. Honestly not saying anything would be the best for her.

Kinda like what I’m doing, I’m just going on and on of talking nothing. That’s what she’s doing to you. U did nothing wrong and it will give her the insight of just to shut up next time.

funkybluegirl −  NAH I feel for you and you are not wrong. But since I don’t know your Mil, I will give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume she doesn’t know what to say to you and sometimes makes awkward comments.,with the best intentions. If she is always like this, I will reassess my vote.

Lilimiel −  Take it from an other stage IV patient. It is ok to have strong feelings, there is so much more happening inside of you than you can take in. Your family is in shock. They might feel helpless and are clumsy expressing their emotions. But it is not your job to help them. Yours is to be as stressfree and Zen as possible.

Have fun, eat ice-cream at night, hug your wife when you sleep, if possible pain wise. Maybe you could suggest support group for relatives, It can be of help in communication and direction. From my heart I wish you all the best.. It is a lonely ride

bogwitch29 −  NTA my husband is also stage 4. People say all sorts of things that I guess make them feel better… 🤷🏼‍♀️ but I also just outright agree. Them: you’re doing so much. Me: I agree