AITA – I banned my MIL from my house after initially agreeing she could live with us?

A 47-year-old woman agreed to let her mother-in-law (MIL) move in but later banned her due to extreme boundary issues. The MIL invades privacy, undermines household rules, and disregards requests—like leaving the OP off a family email chain where her husband’s ex was included.

Despite OP’s pleas for her husband to address the issues, he failed to stand up to his mother, prioritizing her feelings over his wife’s boundaries. With no resolution and her MIL’s behavior worsening, OP retracted her agreement, banning MIL from her home.

However, her husband hasn’t informed his mother, leaving OP feeling frustrated and cornered. read the original story below…

‘ AITA – I banned my MIL from my house after initially agreeing she could live with us?’

I 47F wanted to be supportive of my DH 52M whose mom guilted him to move in with us because she has no money or retirement savings and we have the room. MIL is an elephant-grade boundary stomper.

– she listens to private conversations and comments. – changes the rules in our home
– Acts like matriarch and he lets her

– goes thru laundry in our b/r and then leaves my undergarments unwashed in the laundry room
– wash my kitchen towels with her underwear

– Enters our bedroom to talk to dh or ask me where he is.
– She is overbearing and he hides from her, so she harasses me instead.

– goes into my en-suite bathroom to get our scale so she can weigh before and after every meal 😳 Final straw? Creates email list with my husband and his siblings and their spouses and cousins listed along with my DH’s ex who has kept the last name, but I AM NOT INCLUDED, so it appears they are the husband and wife pair.

This went on for a while and my Dh did not say anything. I finally pointed out it was disrespectful to me. He said he wanted to fix it. His fix? Quietly ask his mother to add my name to the list without letting her know she had disrespected me like I asked – he didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

I didn’t want to be added retroactively to make it look like I was being whiny and I did not want the ex removed because she hadn’t done anything wrong. I just wanted MIL to know what she had done was inconsiderate and disrespectful, like she was engineering a reconciliation.

I was ignored and added to the email list and now co-existed with ex. I felt betrayed by DH and so I confronted him and then directly emailed MIL to ask to be removed and she said but DH said you wanted to be added. Having her in my home would be a constant battle.

Since DH cannot call his mother out, I wrote an email to DH explaining my position and copied her, and mentioned again that I wanted to be removed and to keep the ex there. Tried to see if she would just listen and follow my boundary even if it’s not agreeable to her. Spoiler alert – she didn’t!

So I told DH she can’t move in since she blatantly disregards my requests/boundaries and he cannot confront her or shield me, so I don’t want my home to be my prison. DH has been afraid to tell her for over a year, instead he is saying I “suddenly” changed my mind after we agreed to house her and she will feel rejected.

I think he is hoping I will change my mind but at this point, she is not even allowed to come stay for a visit – I am scared she won’t leave!! She has since done other things that make me believe she will claim our home or part of it if the opportunity arises.

Yes, I have a massive DH problem and he has started therapy and is seeing how she has been overbearing and he is afraid to please her because of the wrath she unleashed when they were growing up. So AITA for banning her from my home even though i previously agreed and her son has not told her, so she is planning to move?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

ubiquitouskjz −  NTA. This will be the rest of your life though. Do you think you can tolerate being with a man so spineless? What happens when you have children and he won’t stand up for them?

lordmwahaha −  NTA, but this will be the rest of your life with this man. He’s never going to stand up to her, or he would’ve done it already. Stop expecting him to magically change – he’s told you which person he will choose, if forced to. And it’s not you.

TwistSuccessful3349 −  NTA She should have respected your boundaries from the start and you and your husband should have been more firm. She’s the house guest, not you and it is your right if you don’t want her in the house

WestLondonIsOursFFC −  NTA. You’re too old to put up with this kind of stress in your life. It wouldn’t be justified if you were younger either – but you’re a mature adult and this kind of drama is beneath you, frankly. It’s your home as well as his and you have every right to veto your MIL from living there.

To be fair to your husband, it sounds like she’s been a dominating presence for his whole life. However, that doesn’t mean you need to set yourself on fire to keep either him or your MIL warm. It’s going to be a difficult one to navigate and a lot is going to depend on whether or not your husband can pull himself together.

That said, you can fight this battle from the comfort and safety of your own home or you will have to negotiate with a terrorist that you’ve allowed in and may not leave. Pull up the drawbridge and see which side of it your husband would prefer to be on.

Ratchet_gurl24 −  You could tell your husband he has 2 options, with absolutely no compromise. He can live with you, his wife, and only you. Or. He can live with his mommy and you’ll remove yourself from the relationship. The woman is disrespectful and clearly on a power trip, to put you in your place.

Why on earth would you want to willingly live with someone like that. Your husband is spineless when it comes to his mommy, throwing you under the bus to please her. He doesn’t like confronting her, because it will upset her. So what are you, and your feelings? Irrelevant apparently.

_FartSinatra_ −  Step one: Stop writing DH

Lazy_Lobster159 −  NTA. Honestly- your kids are grown. Do you really think that your 52 year old DH is up for the very hard work of interrogating the patterns of his childhood in therapy, and making real change? Your MIL is only going to get frailer and more needy.

Im not quick to advocate divorce but if I were you I would really ponder what I want the second half of my life to look like. Best of luck!

Suitable_Map551 −  INFO have you communicated with her directly about exactly how you feel, that she is being disrespectful, and why what she is doing is disrespectful? Or have you been telling your husband and asking him to tell her for you?

kachuru −  INFO you say your kids have grown up and moved out, but MIL still has DHs ex-wife on the mailing list – so she’s hoping for a reconciliation with the ex after.. what… 20+ years?

blueflash775 −  He’s 52!!!! And his plan was to tell MIL at the last minute that OP changed her mind and basically throw her under the bus. After a year you still haven’t nipped that one in the bud? And he runs around hiding from MIL so that you have to deal with her. 52 you say?

This has been going on for, what, 20 years? He has no self respect and frankly neither do you. He lets MIL walk all over him and you let both of them walk all over you. He doesn’t want to hurt her feelings but you are fair game.

You might winge and complain a bit (which is more than he does) but at the end of the day there are no boundaries and no consequences for his behaviour (or hers). You have a MIL problem and a DH problem. But at this late stage in the game mostly you have a ‘you’ problem.. Controversial – ESH.

Was OP justified in reversing her decision for her own well-being, or should she have honored her original agreement? Should her husband take more responsibility in resolving the situation? Share your opinions below!