AITA for wanting my husband to hold my hand during birth?

Birth is a transformative, vulnerable moment—a time when you expect to be enveloped in love and support rather than clinical detachment. In this story, a 35‑year‑old woman, now seven months pregnant, reveals the painful conflict unfolding in her birth plan with her husband.

Married for 10 years to a Family Medicine doctor, she had always envisioned the delivery as a deeply personal experience: her husband holding her hand, standing by her side as a loving partner throughout the whole process. Instead, he’s been set on the idea of “delivering his own baby,” a plan he’s already shared with everyone.

Though there’s always an OBGYN present to monitor the birth, his focus seems to lean more toward his professional role than being there for her as a husband. Feeling abandoned in a moment of acute vulnerability—and with friends and family echoing his clinical approach—she now wonders if she’s being selfish for insisting that her husband show up as her support, not just as a doctor.

Her emotions are raw. Having endured a lifetime of self-reliance and yearning for genuine connection, she finds herself torn between her love for him and the desperate need for him to be present for her in a human, not a clinical, way. With her SIL lurking on Reddit and reporting everything to her husband, she’s chosen a throwaway account to air her frustrations. The question remains: Is she the asshole for wanting her husband to hold her hand throughout labor, instead of treating the birth like just another professional procedure?

‘AITA for wanting my husband to hold my hand during birth?’

Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist specializing in family dynamics, explains, “Birth is one of the most emotionally charged experiences a person can undergo. When a partner is not fully present in that moment, it can feel like a profound abandonment—even if the intentions are not malicious. The need for physical and emotional support is critical, and when that support is replaced by a clinical or detached approach, the resulting hurt is very real.”

She adds, “It is not uncommon for couples to have different visions for such important life events. When one partner prioritizes professional roles over personal intimacy, it may be necessary to have a candid discussion about emotional expectations. Your desire for your husband to simply hold your hand is not a selfish request—it is an essential need for connection and reassurance.”

Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman concurs, stating, “In any partnership, especially one that has evolved over a long period, maintaining emotional intimacy is key. When a partner’s actions consistently echo their professional identity rather than their personal commitment, the non-medical partner may feel marginalized.

It’s important for both parties to negotiate roles in such critical moments. A compromise might include clear communication with the care team about your emotional needs during delivery, ensuring that your husband has a chance to be there for you in the way you envision.”

Both experts agree that while your husband’s aspirations to deliver the baby may be rooted in professional pride, your need for personal support is equally valid. Striking a balance between his career identity and your emotional needs is essential for a supportive birthing experience.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Several redditors expressed strong support for your feelings. One user commented, “If your husband’s focus is so heavily on his doctor role that you feel alone, you’re not overreacting. Birth is about love and support—your feelings are completely valid.”

Another group shared personal experiences, with one commenter stating, “I needed my partner’s hand through my first birth more than anything. It’s not about losing a cool moment—it’s about not feeling abandoned in your most vulnerable state. Your desire for intimacy is completely understandable.”

Ultimately, your desire for your husband to be present with you as a partner—holding your hand throughout the birth—is not a selfish demand but a profound need for emotional connection during one of life’s most critical moments.

While his professional aspirations and long-standing habits might be deeply ingrained, a balanced birthing experience requires that both partners’ needs are respected. This situation forces us to ask: How do we navigate the delicate balance between professional identity and personal support in a marriage?

What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation, where your partner’s role in a major life event isn’t aligning with your emotional needs? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your insights might help others find a path toward compassionate compromise in the face of conflicting expectations.