AITA for wanting my husband to apologize even though he had a bad day?

A Redditor shared a conflict with her husband, who repeatedly starts TV shows without waiting for her, despite knowing it upsets her. After a particularly stressful day for him, including concerns over his father’s surgery and work pressures, he did it again, sparking an argument. She feels an apology is owed, but her husband believes his bad day should excuse his actions. Read the full story below to decide if she was in the wrong.

‘ AITA for wanting my husband to apologize even though he had a bad day?’

So multiple times now my (34 f) husband (42 m) has done this thing where I will still be getting ready to settle for the night: I.e. changing, fixing food, what have you, and he will turn whatever show show we are watching on and just start it before I’m ready so I miss like 10-15 minutes of an episode sometimes.

It is very annoying and I told him multiple times now that I find it extremely inconsiderate and I never do that to him. The last time it happened it kinda made a big stink and he did that thing (it seemed to me) of being mad that I was mad at him because I “should know he would never intend to hurt my feelings.”

So related, yesterday his dad had surgery. They were having trouble stabilizing his bp and I asked my husband if we should go see him. He gave a very nonchalant answer and said he didn’t think it was that serious.

Then later that night, he did the tv thing again. I wasn’t changed out of my work clothes, my food was barely in the microwave, I hadn’t made a drink or anything. I got mad and just stopped what I was doing and stared at him until he felt me staring. I said “are you really doing this again??” And he tried to stop it and said “sorry” but I just went to the bedroom and stayed there to cool down.

Later that night he comes in. He does not say sorry, just starts in about how it was his busiest day of work since starting this job and how every time his mom called he got scared she was gonna tell him his dad was dead. I did feel bad about that, of course. But I still didn’t respond at all because to me 1.

That doesn’t excuse you being inconsiderate of something we have talked about multiple times and 2. Don’t act dramatic now when you were the one who said it wasn’t a big deal.

He got mad that I didn’t respond and started to huff and puff and storm out of the room. I called after him that “all of that should have started with an apology instead of trying to guilt me into forgetting it” He got mad that I insinuated he was being m**ipulative and hasn’t spoken to me since. It’s been over 24 hours.

So I know he probably was stressed about his dad and had a bad work day, but this has been an ongoing issue and none of that seemed relevant until I was upset. AITA??

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Incogn1toMosqu1to −  This is what m**ipulative people do when their attempts to groom you failed. This is not a big deal, so the fact that he not only hasn’t listened but also gets defensive shows that he cares not for your feelings. It’s bigger than just turning a tv show on, but I can tell you don’t want to hear that.. NTA.

Purple-Gap2522 −  The first time you do something that irritates your partner, it’s new information to you, and it’s fair to get a pass. The second time, it might be forgetful. After that, it’s inconsiderate and gets steadily worse from there. It doesn’t matter if he did it “intending” to upset you or not. He did it knowing it would upset you. Full stop.

shontsu −  Look, I don’t know how you guys watch TV together. In my household, we sit in chairs in front of the TV. We do this thing where we wait until everyone who’s watching is seated before we press play. If for instance my wife is still preparing her dinner, but is ok with us starting without her, she’ll call out “its ok, you can play” and we will.

Now, maybe its different for you. Maybe you regularly watch TV, standing in the kitchen next to the running microwave, and he’s confused by the difference between “standing in kitching waiting for microwave to finish *before* watching show” and “standing in kitchen waiting for microwave to finish *while* watching show”

Or, and I find this much more likely, he knows damned well that you’re not with him ready to start watching the show, and just starts it anyway, for reasons that really only he knows, and he also knows you have a problem with him doing so, but he does it anyway.. NTA. The fact that this day was a bad day, does not excuse him, not does it explain every single other time he’s done it.

derrymaine14 −  He’ IS being inconsiderable and m**ipulative.  Stand your ground. And take measures. This can go downhill easily for you. Do something to save yourself from years of tiptoeing and suppression.  Obviously NTA

Imaginary_Poetry_233 −  He’s just trying to get you to a permanent level of tolerable unhappiness. That is to say, he’ll be as s**tty as he can be while you ‘work on the marriage’. The ‘good times’ will be when you don’t ‘rock the boat’. Explaining your feelings won’t work, because he doesn’t care.

Why would he pause a show for an appliance? Sigh, NTA, but I am exhausted by the normalization of dehumanizing women. To the point where they accept it and even blame themselves.

RivSilver −  NTA is an ongoing issue, he knows you don’t like it, and he does it anyway. That means that your feelings about it aren’t important enough for him to do anything to prevent you feeling bad.

I somehow manage to not do things that I know irritate my loved ones, even when I’m stressed and having a bad day, because they matter to me as people. And making people around me stressed and upset doesn’t make me feel better. “I had a bad day” has never been an excuse, no matter how hard men with no emotional regulation try to make it one

OkDragonfly4098 −  Why not rewind it when you sit down to watch? That will be annoying enough for him, he’ll probably cut it out.

GhostPantherAssualt −  NTA. Husband is in charge of his own feelings and his actions regardless of whatever the hell he’s doing. I’ve been through funerals and my father in the hospital twice and I didn’t go nuts to my then-girlfriend at the time.

Dude needs to grow the honest to god up because his actions have consequences regardless of whatever day. He is stressed and we can all acknowledge that and acknowledge him not acting inconsiderate.

thoracicbunk −  NTA. He is repeatedly telling you he does not care about what you want. He is unwilling to endure mild inconvenience or temporarily delaying his own pleasure so you can participate and have your own joy. If you dare to speak up against his selfish behavior, he doubles down by punishing you with further defensiveness and sulking.

Let’s be real. This isn’t the only place in your relationship he does this selfish behavior and defensive posturing, is it? Where else, in more important situations, are your wants and needs shown to never be a consideration for him?. Good luck.

pristine_vida −  Turn it off 10-15 minutes before the end…

Do you think the wife was justified in asking for an apology despite her husband’s stressful day, or should she have shown more understanding given the circumstances? How would you handle recurring frustrations in a relationship? Share your thoughts below!