AITA for wanting my daughter’s boyfriend/soon-to-be fiance to know her dark secret before marriage?

A concerned father shares that his 25-year-old daughter, diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), has no plans to tell her boyfriend — who may propose soon — about her condition. The father likes the boyfriend and feels he deserves to know this critical detail before marriage. His daughter refuses, but the father is torn between protecting her privacy and ensuring her boyfriend makes an informed decision. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for wanting my daughter’s boyfriend/soon-to-be fiance to know her dark secret before marriage?’

I’m the dad of a 25 year old young woman who I love very much. I’ve been able to have a good relationship with my daughter and I enjoy my time with her, but there’s one thing about her that would give many people pause – she is a diagnosed s**iopath.

She exhibited odd, disturbing behavior at a young age, and after a serious incident of abuse towards her younger sister, I realized she needed professional help. Throughout her elementary years she struggled heavily, getting in lots of trouble in school for lying, cruelty and all other types of misbehaviors.

With an enormous amount of therapy & support, her bad behavior was minimized as she grew older. She received an ASPD diagnosis at 18, and I had suspected it for long prior. After her aggressive behavior was tamed, her following years were much more fruitful.

She’s law-abiding; has a decent job and a good education; and has many good friendships and admirers. Especially male admirers; she is very, very charming and adept at attracting guys and maintaining their interest. She uses that old dating guide “The Rules” like a Bible.

She currently has a boyfriend of about a year and a half who’s crazy about her, and who I have a very strong relationship with (we live in the same area and spend time together regularly). He is a **great** guy, very kind, funny and intelligent.

But I doubt she loves him. We’ve had some very honest, in-depth discussions about her mental health since her diagnosis, and she’s been open with me that she doesn’t feel love or empathy towards anyone, even family.

When she acted very sad and broken up over the death of one of her closest friends at the funeral, she confessed to me privately that it was all a put-on, and that she felt “pretty neutral” about the whole thing.

She has also stated she has never once felt guilty about anything she’s ever done, and doesn’t know what guilt feels like. While she enjoys being around her boyfriend and is s**ually attracted to him, I highly doubt she feels much of anything towards him love-wise.

Her boyfriend (who might propose soon) **has** **no idea** about her diagnosis, and she’s been very upfront with me that she has no plans to ever tell him, thinking it’ll scare him away.

I’ve made it clear to her that she needs to tell him the truth before they marry; that he has the right to know and consider it; **or I will**; to which she always responds, “I know you wouldn’t dare.” I actually would – I really like and respect this young man, and would feel awful keeping this “secret” from him, and letting him walk into a marriage without this piece of knowledge.

I’m not trying to sabotage my daughter’s future. **Maybe** her boyfriend’s love of her personality and other aspects is enough that it won’t end the relationship. It’s his decision to make; but he deserves all the facts. Someday he’s bound to find out she’s a bit “off”; it can’t be kept a secret forever. AITA?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

[Reddit User] −  Wow. That’s the hardest AITA I’ve read in a long time. You’re ethically compromised either way. It’s probably best you stay out of it.

Edit: I can’t possibly respond to all the comments this comment is getting, sorry. Scroll further for more in-depth discussion of the subject. As to why this got so many updoots, I guess it’s because I was the first, or one of the first, people to comment.

shh_secret_savy −  NTA – holy crap what an awful situation to be in. I know she’s your daughter but this is marriage for this guy and he deserves to know. You already told her you were going to tell if she didn’t, so I think you should.

tj_ulian −  INFO

1. Your Motivations. I’m unclear on your motivation for telling him. Is she still a danger to him physically? Or is it important he knows she is unable to love him like a “normal” person could (whatever that means)? Or is it because you believe she’s lying to him and deserves to know that? Or something else?

2. Her Feelings Towards Him. She clearly has some attachment to him. From what you’ve laid out, I’d argue she loves him as much as she’s capable of “loving” someone (e.g., her concern with you telling him about the diagnosis is that he’d leave her — that seems to indicate she doesn’t like that outcome). You appear to write off this attachment has purely s**ual. Why?

decemberandjuly −  Simply for any future children they may have, I say NTA. If this guy wants kids, it’s really going to s**k to find out he is coparenting with a s**iopath. Also is ASPD genetic? If so he definitely deserves to know.

PopCornJolly −  Goodness this is tough. Put me down for NTA because I’d really want to know that info before marrying. That of course doesn’t mean you’re not at fault for “outting”your daughter but IMO it’s for the greater good.

VeronicaTeaches −  Wow. I have never read an AITA and not immediately known what was right until this post. I feel for you. I’m going to go with NTA no matter what you do because your heart is obviously in the right place.

zuzumotai −  This is very difficult but I’m going to go with ESH. She should tell him, you’re right. He does deserve all the facts. He deserves to know. But “I’m not trying to sabotage my daughter’s future.” You sort of are. She is a functioning s**iopath and is trying to be a normal person.

She feels incapable of love but has found the closest thing possible to it in this relationship. If YOU told her boyfriend “She’s a s**iopath and I doubt she can ever really feel love for you the way most people do,” you’re either going to make them both mad, or you’re going to drive this boy out of your daughter’s life.

And I don’t think you should be the one making that move. It’s a hard place to be. Whose feelings do you want to put first? If they’re both happy, why ruin a good thing? He does deserve it, but is it really your move to make?

Is her mental issue something YOU have the right to disclose? THis is possibly a mistake she’s making, but maybe she should learn to make her mistakes herself, otherwise she’ll just do this again.

Discothecube −  NTA. You should tell him, but he probably won’t believe you. He is getting into something really dangerous with someone who doesn’t react or respond in the way a normal person would. Almost anyone would want to know this.

_ohitsthebass_ −  NTA. If she truly doesn’t believe she feels emotionally connected to humans on such a degree, I wonder why she is highly objective to telling her partner the truth.

I’m 25f also have this problem (not as bad as your daughter). I’ve been institutionalized as a teenager and I’ve done years of therapy. I have gotten better and my partner is well aware of my struggles to be an empathetic/emotional person.

In fact, he is the only person I’ve ever met who has helped me start feeling any kind of emotion or empathy towards others. Maybe she found that in her partner to some sort of extent. Either way, the guy deserves to know if she hasn’t told him yet.

bubbalooski −  NTA – as a parent I don’t envy your position here, but her boyfriend has a right to know. They are happy now – at least he is, but it’s grossly unfair to stand by and allow him to propose and her to get married to him if he doesn’t know the truth. Best wishes for your unfortunate predicament.

Is the father right to believe that honesty is essential, or is it overstepping to reveal such a personal diagnosis? Should the daughter’s boyfriend be told about her condition before marriage? Share your thoughts below!