AITA For walking out of my father’s funeral?
A Redditor recounts their experience of attending their estranged father’s funeral only to face unexpected hostility from their mother and family. After being pressured to give a speech, they faced public insults and chose to walk out instead. Read the original story below:
‘ AITA For walking out of my father’s funeral?’
Last friday I got a call from my aunt that my dad got into an accident 2 days prior and didn’t make it (he died on impact apparently). She asked me if I’d heard anything from my family, to which I replied ‘no’ (important to know that I’ve been using the same cellphone number and email since I was 18 or so).
She figured they forgot and asked me if I wanted to come to the funeral. After a few minutes of thinking I told her I’d come if my family was okay with it and if SHE wanted me to, I explained to her that I wouldn’t be going for myself or my father/family, just to support her.
She said she’d want me there as she’d have no other support and called me later to tell me my family was okay with me coming. So, yesterday was the day of the funeral. The past few days I did not hear a single thing from my family. When I got to the location my family members jumped right on top of me,
telling me how happy they were that I came/that we should go to dinner/told me all kinds of stories about thing that happened the last 5yrs……..they basically acted like those 5yrs didn’t happed and we weren’t there for a funeral. I know grieve does things to people, so I let it slide and played along,
but it made me feel really uneasy and I made sure not to give any details about my own family or job, as they know nothing about that and I wanted to keep it that way as it was not the time and place for an argument about my husband. During the ceremony they insisted I sat next to my mother.
Everything started out okay, but when it was time for speeches, my family insisted I’d speak. I quietly told them no, that I had nothing prepared, but they didn’t accept it. So I got up and quickly said ‘he’ll be missed’ and sat down again. They visibly were not happy with me and my mother started shouting at me,
telling me I was a worthless b**ch, that I’d always treated them without any respect and that I was a bicth for not giving an actual speech about how amazing my father was in front of the +150 people that had shown up. So, I looked at her for a few seconds, mostly trying to figure out wth just happened…
stood up, told her to enjoy the rest of her day and walked out. My husband told me I did the right thing and he was proud of me for keeping my cool instead of starting a shouting match, so is my aunt… but I’ve been bombarded with messages from people that say I went too far. AITA?
Check out how the community responded:
curiousbelgian − NTA at all. They treated you like a performing monkey, and you refused to play that game. Well done. It is the height of insensitivity to ask someone to speak at a funeral *after the service has started*.
Even without all the rest, that is fundamentally a d**k move. I take it that there was no apology for the fact that none of your siblings, or your mother, had actually told you about your father’s death?. You are well out of it.
WinsomeAnlussom − Just…*HOW* could you possibly have “gone too far”? You didn’t *do* anything. NTA. Now go kiss your hubby for being a properly supportive dude.
tezoatlipoca − NTA – sorry about your father but your family sounds absolutely horrible. I’ve never heard of anyone being pressured to deliver an eulogy against their wishes before… who does that? It really sounds as though its all about them. Well, you cut them off 5 yrs ago, you know what to do now.
[Reddit User] − We call this move the “double bind.” It’s a no win situation with the narcissist. No matter what you had said it wouldn’t have been good enough. Too little and she accuses you of not giving a proper speech.
Whereas if you had gotten up there and given a flowery oration on what a wonderful man your dad was she’d have used that platform to nail you about what a horrible daughter you were for abandoning such a wonderful man.
What she wanted was a fight. Because she is a narcissist and she thrives on drama and loves a good argument. You spoiled that for her, on what should have been the one day she could count on getting all the attention. And now everyone else who thrives on drama and negativity has been denied it too, hence why you are public enemy number one.. NTA.
ASpellingAirror − NTA even a little. Just remember the people bombarding you to say otherwise are all people you cut out of your life for 5 years. These are the same people that originally didn’t even notify you that your father had passed, or let you know about the funeral.
The best compliment you can get in life is when toxic terrible humans are angry at you. That means that you are living life well, and not letting them manipulate you how they want. Be proud of how you handled yourself.
ductoid − ESH for going to a gathering of 150 people yesterday.
1Mandolo1 − NTA. First they pretend everything’s sunshine and the second you do something they do not approve of, you’re an AH? I’d officially cut ties with that so-called family of yours if I were you. Glad your aunt and husband have your back, stick to them. Unfortunately, you can’t choose whose blood you share, but you can choose your contacts and company.
somissmatched − NTA. I’m proud of you too.
RandallBandersnatch − NTA. Even at her husbands funeral she’s looking for ways to make you look bad. Never look back. Your husband, and the family and love you have together is all that matters now. They need you and love you. We can’t avoid being related toxic people. We can avoid calling them family.
elena374 − NTA, you were only there for your aunt and they shouldn’t have forced to to say something. Also your mom sounds horrible
Was walking out of the funeral an appropriate response, or should the Redditor have handled the confrontation differently? Share your thoughts on family dynamics and boundaries in such difficult situations.