AITA for throwing my pregnant SIL’s groceries away?

A mom is facing some serious family tension after a heated incident with her pregnant sister-in-law. Her brother and his wife are staying with them, and the SIL brought groceries that included peanut products—something that made the mom uneasy because her son has a severe peanut allergy.

Despite promises to be careful, the SIL left peanut butter snacks out, which led the mom to throw everything away. Now, the SIL is upset, and the brother is caught in the middle. Was the mom right to protect her son, or did she overreact?

‘AITA for throwing my pregnant SIL’s groceries away?’

Hello, this is a throw away account and a repost and update of sorts because my post got taken down from the other Am I The Asshole sub. My brother and his wife Laura who is 7 months pregnant are staying with us for a week or so since he’s interviewing for jobs in the city my family and I are in. My kids love having their aunt and uncle around and everything’s been great.

Yesterday, Laura went out and came back with groceries. I thanked her but told her that we don’t expect them to do this, the kitchen is stocked and that we’re just enjoying having them. She said that she wanted to and that most were cravings she’s been having. I started helping her unload the bags and noticed that a lot of snacks were with peanuts… cookies, crackers, PB, even some sort of cake fusion.

It all made me uneasy because she knows my oldest son, 8M, is extremely allergic. I don’t keep anything of the kind in our home because we’ve had an incident when he was younger where we almost lost him. I didn’t want to be rude but I told her that I’m not comfortable with having the stuff in the house. She told me that she would be careful, that she wouldn’t eat it around him or his siblings and that she’d clean up after herself, that she was having intense cravings and needed them.

Look, I’ve had 4 kids and kind of get where she’s coming from although I never HAD to have something but every woman is different. I made sure my son knew not to touch any of it and to leave her alone when she’s eating them. That was that.

Today, I woke up early to make breakfast and opened the fridge only to be greeted by strawberries dipped in PB left out without a container to ‘chill’. The PB jar wasn’t sealed properly next to them and there were sandwiches on a plate because she ‘likes the bread cold and soggy’. I was pissed. I’ve read enough about airborne contamination to know that you can’t really determine it but I wasn’t risking it. I grabbed a bag and started throwing everything in it, our groceries, hers, I didn’t care. I was going to take the bag, drive to a shelter and let them know the situation.

Laura woke up while I was on my rampage, came down and asked all upset what I was doing. I was snippy with her and didn’t try to hide it. We got in an argument with her defensively saying that I can’t do this, that the baby needs it and that it’s cruel to put a pregnant woman through unsatisfied cravings. I told her bluntly that I don’t give a single fuck, if she can’t keep to her word then I won’t either and that she’ll live without her craving, my son can’t say the same with his allergy.

She went back upstairs, packed her bag and came back down, grabbed the bag of food and left in a huff. My brother was at his interview and called me half an hour later to ask me what happened. He was upset with his wife but also with me because nothing happened and at the end of the day, my son is fine. I told my husband when he came back from work and he’s completely on my side. AITA?

Mini Update:

Like some people had predicted in the comments on the other sub, Laura did go straight to my family and started complaining. She hadn’t twisted anything, told them the full honest story and my mother was LIVID. She called me panting like she ran a marathon after she berated Laura to make sure my son is okay, so I can only imagine the riot act she read her. Apparently, even my step-dad gave Laura one of his disapproving frowns.

My brother came back in the evening to get his stuff since Laura had only packed hers for some reason. He did apologize for what she did, said that he’ll have a chat with her once she’s calmed down. She’s been inconsolable, he told me that she’s been crying since she left my mom’s house and that she now feels unwelcome and unloved in our family and he blames me for it.

My husband butted in and told him that it’s enough. That whatever she’s feeling doesn’t cover half of what we felt and that she needs to get over herself, that I’ve been scrubbing the house from top to bottom for hours because of her actions. I did get of panicky and went on to deep clean the whole house, especially the kitchen but anyway, my brother left after he said that there’s no leveling with us when we’re being this stubborn.

Now that I’ve had time to get out of the state I was in, I do feel bad that she’s distressed and feels unwelcome in our family, that was never my goal. I’ve been debating sending her an apology, not for my actions because I stand by them but for the way I went about it. I shouldn’t have allowed the stuff in our house in the first place and could have been calmer about it after I opened the fridge.

Update:

A lot of people asked me to update so here it is. Warning: This is a long one and if I wasn’t an AH before, I sure am now. So after my mom berated Laura and my brother yelled at my husband and I, I took the advice I was given and sent them a long text which ended up being a bit of a ramble about everything, how fucked the situation is, how we’re disgusted by their stance and how we’ll be going LC until we feel ready to be around them again. That was the day after my brother packed his bags and left.

I was left on read and I thought that was that until a few days ago when I got a call from Laura. I thought about not answering it but curiosity got the better of me. When I picked up, Laura tried to make awkward small talk but I think she sensed I wasn’t in the mood and got right to it- she apologized about her behavior, said she had no excuse other than her hormones and we ended up having a long chat about everything. By the end of it, I actually felt better and like we could get past it and work on our relationship.

She also mentioned that she would still like for my family and I to come to her birthday dinner. It wasn’t going to happen in a restaurant anymore (I guess the hotel stay ended up costing them a lot as some of you predicted) and that it was going to be at their house instead. I told her that I’ll talk with my husband and get back to her.

I also got a text from my brother apologizing and saying he was just trying to protect and stand by his wife. It was too soon to start mending things as my husband pointed out but he left the choice up to me and I honestly believed her apology because she had never acted like that before and she seemed actually ashamed of herself.

Anyway, my sister (who was also apologized to bc she also tore her a new one) and parents (also got an apology) were also invited but my sister’s kids wanted a cousins sleepover instead of going with us so after talking it over with my sister, we agreed for them to have one at my house. My babysitters of a year are my next door neighbors. They’re sweet and responsible 16yo twins who live with their single mom. They usually team up and tackle on my kids on date nights (there’s a reason I’m mentioning this.) With my sister’s added 2 kids to the mix, I asked their mom if she was free to join their duo and she agreed.

So I called Laura and told her that Richard and I are coming. When we got to their house, Laura greeted my husband and I at the door. We handed her the gift and went in but she seemed puzzled that we didn’t have a trail of kids with us so I reminded told her that it’s just us adults tonight. Same thing happened when my sister and her husband walked in.

Dinner was awkward, no matter how we tried to lighten up the mood and the conversation was stilted at best but I thought it was at least a step forward. Laura asked this time about why the kids were not with us, that she had made special food for them. I never mentioned the kids when I got back to her, just my husband and I but I felt like it was my fault that I didn’t clarify and so I apologized for it and thanked her for thinking of them.

My sister chimed in that her kids and mine were having a cousins’ sleepover tonight and how she was excited about our soon to be nephew to join them when he’s here and older. Laura looked at her with a smile and said “Yeah, I’m sure he’ll be best friends with his cousins (as in my kids) and his step-cousins (as in my sister’s).” This pissed me off because we don’t use step anything with the kids but I bit my tongue.

For context, my sister is technically my step-sister. I know I used step-dad in my first post, I usually call him by his first name. I consider him a parental figure since he raised me since I was 10 but I had a dad and the title will always be his.

My sister gave her a hurt look but it was my brother who nudged his wife with a ‘what are you doing?’ look. A few minutes went by again with eating and light convo before Laura asked again about our kids, mainly who was watching them since all 4 parents are here. I told her that my neighbor and her daughters are babysitting to which she laughed at and joked about how incompetent the girls and their mom must be to need all three of them to wrangle the kids.

Also for context: I have 4 kids. I’m biased and like to think they’re well-behaved but they’re sometimes too much for one person to handle, even me, and I’m the one that brought them into this world. Add my sister’s two kids and it’s a lot for two teenage girl to handle even for just a few hours (We left at 7 at said we’ll be back at 11) It has absolutely nothing to do with the girls whom my kids adore or their mom who is as kind as they come. Before I could retort anything, my mom stepped in with one of her smiles and told Laura that it’s so kind of her to offer her own competence and watch the kids next time. That shut her up real fast.

After that dinner was even more awkward until we cleared the table and Laura brought out dessert while my brother got the cake from the fridge. Here’s where I lost the last of my remaining braincells. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, I saw my husband carrying my bag and trying to usher me out of the front door to leave. He looked pissed and I was beyond confused and obviously resisted because yes, the dinner is a trainwreck but let me at least say goodbye and give a lame excuse for our departure.

When my husband tried to literally carry me out, I knew something was wrong and after a couple of tries, I darted past him back to the dining room. Laura’s now ready dessert table consisted of PB cake pops, PB pie, PB cookies, PB brownies and top it all off, a PB birthday cake that my brother brought in and was sniffing at with a horrified look. Laura then gave me a big smile and said loudly to my family “I thought I should at least get to have my cravings on my birthday. Get your fill before she throws these out too.”

I honestly thought for a second that my sister was going to tackle her and I wasn’t that far behind her because all I could think about was the fact that she thought my kids were coming and she planned this accordingly. I’ve felt so guilty for allowing the stuff in our house the last time and if my sister’s kids hadn’t wanted the sleepover, I was going to walk my son into danger a second time.

I lost my shit. Without thinking about my actions, I grabbed Laura’s head, forced her talk towards my brother who was I think too shocked to react and slammed her head straight into the cake. I held it down as long as I could while she flailed and told her I hope she chokes on her cravings before I let her go.

I honestly wanted to go for the pie too but I had embarrassed myself enough by acting like that in the first place so I told my brother that I’m done with both him and his wife and if they try to contact me or my family again, I’m filing for a protective order then I let my husband lead me out. My sister was cackling as she followed us with her husband but our parents stayed back.

I heard Laura screaming profanities after us but my step-dad raised his voice which shut her up. I got a lot of jokes about his frown on my first post but the man is as stoic as they come, him showing any emotion is a big deal. I remember that his frown alone growing up was enough to literally stop my sister and I in our tracks bc we knew if he gave us one that we messed up. I haven’t asked my mom what happened after we left because I can’t handle anymore heartache from my brother or his actions.

I don’t think this was the update anyone wanted, least of all me but I’m completely done with the both of them. Even though my brother looked like he had no idea, the stuff was in his house, happening under his damn roof. I’m sad I won’t be in my nephew’s life and my kids won’t get to know the new cousin they’ve been waiting for but I’d rather cry over that than over my son’s life.

I don’t expect anyone to be kind in the comments, I’m 32, I shouldn’t have been so naive and I know I shouldn’t have reacted like that and I’m going to be dealing with that with my therapist along with the guilt I’m feeling but please take it easy on me, I’m still shaken up. I’m also looking into family therapy for my kids so they can better process not having their uncle and aunt around after them having been a close presence in their lives.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Mammoth-Dare-4237 – When Laura invited you all for dinner at her place, I was thinking “There is no way she is gonna do it, right? There is no way she would purposefully serve nuts, right?” Holy CRAP! This woman needs psychotic help! She either WANTED harm to befall your child or STILL has not learnt the consequences of her actions from last time!

I wouldn’t believe any more apologies from this woman or your brother. Until your brother divorces this woman, he needs to be kept away from your children just as much as she does. Slamming her face into the cake does not make you an asshole. It makes you a parent who understands that this psycho needs more extreme measures to get some sense knocked into her in order to protect your family

wolfaery – As someone who is deathly allergic to tree nuts, I really appreciate your mama bear stance. Anaphylaxis is scary. Really scary. I developed anorexia after I had a bad reaction when I was 16 because I was so scared of food and cross-contamination. People who haven’t seen anaphylaxis don’t always appreciate the true danger of allergies. I’d lose my shit if someone did this to me, let alone my (imaginary) child

WatchingTellyNow – Laura doesn’t believe you. She thinks you’re at best overdoing the allergy thing or downright lying, and you’re doing it just to get attention. Because of course she deserves all the attention. You’re NTA, even with the cake incident. NC is absolutely the right thing to do. She put your son at risk of DYING, for reasons no sane person could fathom.

Beneficial_Breath232 – Holly cow !! I smell something weird was going on because she keeps asking where the kid were. That is sus as hell, normally the respond of “ho, we got out neighbour babysitting for the night” should be enough to cut any other comments on that. Shoving her into the pie/cupcakes/whatever wasn’t the more mature respond of your part, but do it made you an AH ? Meh … Maybe a Justified AH, if you really need a judgment.

Before cutting your brother out of your life, I would to see his respond to that. It would be a divorce-worthy offence for me. If the SIL have a PB craving during her pregnancy, having PB stuff in her house doesn’t raise an eyebrown for me. She could have just keep them to herself, and serve you a normal chocolate or vanilla cake for dessert. So I would take a “Wait and see” approach concerning your brother. However, SIL don’t come near any of you anymore

Zestyclose-Sky-1921 – eh I approve of this post and the message it sends to pea-brained bitches around the world. Like Christmas. But with faces shoved in peanut butter. NTA. She was planning on killing your kid. F her. And there is exactly ZERO chance the brother didn’t know. She walks out of the hotel with a bag she doesn’t show him of “desserts” with that shit-eating smirk on her face BECAUSE SHE ABSOLUTELY DID and the moron didn’t twig or investigate? Nah.