AITA for telling the step father who raised me that he’s not my dad when he didn’t treat me like his son?
Imagine growing up with someone who raised you but never truly treated you like their own. Now, years later, you’re starting to wonder: should you really see them as a parent if they don’t feel the same way about you?
Here’s a story of a teenager who decided to stop calling his stepfather “Dad” after realizing he wasn’t treated like one of the family. Was he right to make that choice, or did he take it too far?
‘AITA for telling the step father who raised me that he’s not my dad when he didn’t treat me like his son?’
My mom married my step father when I was only 1. He had a 1 year old son, and then they had a daughter a year later together. My step brother and I are 16 now and our half sister is 14. Step father is the only father figure I know and I’ve always called him dad, my actual dad is not in my life. Growing up I always noticed that he treated me differently, he never mistreated me but he was always more interested his own children than me, in fact he always showed very little interest in me. I’ve always felt like a second class family member, my mom treats my step brother exactly like me but step father doesn’t do the same for me.
Anyway, this last couple of years have been difficult because step father started doing stuff with my siblings, like going on trips, going fishing or hiking, father-children bonding moments as he calls it and he’s never taken me with them despite me asking to go, initially he always said maybe next time until I called him out last week and he took me aside and explained that this is for him and his children, I’m not his child like they are, he said he loves me but it’s different, he can’t dilute the experience by bringing me as well but he said my mom can spend some mother-child moments with me and my sister if she wants to as well, and that it would be good for us to have that only for us. This conversation happened on Friday before they went off for a weekend trip.
My mom told me that this is how he feels, she can’t change it but she’s made sure I’m always treated equally when it comes to money (which is true) but she can’t change the way he feels so I need to accept it. I’ve been thinking all weekend and it was clear to me that when he doesn’t see me as his son, it’s wrong of me to see him as my dad. So I decided that if I’m the step child he tolerates because of my mom, I’m not going to pretend like we’re anything more. I decided to stop calling him dad and go by his first name. So on Sunday night after they returned I said Hi Tom. He was surprised but didn’t say anything.
At dinner he asked me what was that about and I explained that I don’t want to dilute the experience he has with his real children by calling him dad when clearly I’m not his son. It’s something that should be kept for his actual children. I was told to go to my room by my mom. Later she came to me and said this has hurt him and I should apologize, I said I’m just following his lead and treating him exactly like how he wants to be treated by his actions, and if he’s hurt then he should look in the mirror because that’s his actions.
My mom told me in the end that this is the man who has raised me all my life and I need to apologize and show remorse. She says he’s 95% of the way for being a dad to me, I shouldn’t ignore all of that and focus on the missing 5% and reject him entirely. I declined, said he’s the one who needs to apologize if he wants things to change between us. Am I being the asshole in this situation?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Relevant_Ambition272 – NTA and well done for sticking up for yourself. If he doesn’t want to be your dad fully with no strings attached then he doesn’t deserve the respect of being called dad. Your mam is an AH you give your all with kids or nothing he isn’t giving you 95% and has let you know where you stand with him so it’s only fair he knows that respect works both ways.
I am sorry your dealing with this you deserve a dad step or otherwise who views you as their own and treats you as such. ‘The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb’
everyonemustlovecats – NTA Both your mother and Tom are the AHs. Explain to your mother that this is not just how “Tom” feels- THIS IS HOW HE ACTS. If he were a true dad, then he would have the same bonding experiences with you as with the other children. By letting Tom treat you like this, she is also treating you badly. I am sure you are going to get a lot of support. Show her this thread and suggest therapy so that she truly understands how damaging this situation is for you and how she is a horrible mother for letting this occur.
MadWhisky – NTA. I honestly find terrible what he said to you, putting you on the “secon class” level as son. I doesn’t make any sense to me threating you differently just because you are not his blood, since he raised you and adopted you. He should go to therapy and you are totally right in being hurt and expressing your disappointed in the way you are doing.
Contkad851 (OP) – He has never legally adopted me though although to extended family he always refered to me as his adopted son. They said he would adopt me in a heartbeat if it wasn’t for the fact that my biological father is paying child support and an adoption would make it stop. Maybe that was a half truth. This reminded me that I should be requesting that he stops referring to me as an adopted son, and I should correct him if he continued to do so.
Annajane8 – NTA. I think you handled this brilliantly. His actions and words clearly shows that he doesn’t see you as his child. So he can’t be upset if you stop treating him as your father. Tell your mother that Tom can’t have his cake and eat it – the perks and responsibilities of parenthood go hand in hand. That said, I’m really sorry how he and your mother have treated you.
ClothesQueasy2828 – NTA. What a jerk! Then your mom defending him! He’s intentionally saying that you are not his child. That’s not okay, and he’s not 95% of the way to being your dad. You didn’t do anything that needs an apology, though both stepdad and mom owe you apologies.
timbrelyn – Tom is being hurtful. There is absolutely no excuse for this no matter how your Mother tries to rationalize it. You should be included in trips with your other siblings. Tom’s attitude will also bleed into your relationships with your siblings. They will see how you are treated by their Dad and think it’s ok to treat you as less than too. I don’t understand how your Mom can defend him treating you differently than the other two. So many adult children go no contact after they move out on their own.
If you Mom really cared about your future mental health she would insist on having everyone go to family counseling. You basically have no one to advocate for you when you should automatically have that from both your parents. NTA. Your Mom and Step-Dad are AHs. Stick to your guns, don’t apologize. You have done nothing wrong. YOU have been wronged. I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this treatment.
