AITA for telling my wife’s friend she is too old and u**y after she repeatedly asked my 19-year-old son to take off his shirt?

A Reddit user described an awkward family gathering where his wife’s friend made inappropriate comments to his 19-year-old son, repeatedly urging him to take his shirt off despite his visible discomfort. When the user stepped in, he told the woman she was “too old and ugly” for his son, which upset her and sparked a disagreement with his wife.

While the user felt his response was justified given the situation, his wife argued it was unnecessarily harsh. To explore whether his actions were appropriate or if there was a better way to handle it, read the full story below.

‘ AITA for telling my wife’s friend she is too old and u**y after she repeatedly asked my 19-year-old son to take off his shirt? He was getting uncomfortable ?’

My family had a small get together at my house. One of my wife’s friends was over (she is unmarried I think she is 45-47)? We aren’t too close to her since she lives pretty far away. She was over our house and she started complimenting my son (my son is 19). It starts off innocent but as time goes on it gets more and more crossing the line.

When we were out on my deck she starts telling my son to take his shirt off, ‘whats the point of going to the gym if no one will see it.’ My son is visibly uncomfortable and tries to shut her down. She repeatedly is asking and is getting more aggressive with it. I interject and I am like “Hey Kathy, I think you are a bit too old and u**y for my son.”

This got her upset really quickly, and she excuses herself to the bathroom and starts crying. My wife goes to comfort her, and then later she leaves. At the end of it my wife is super angry with me for saying that, that I should have said hey Cathy looks like you had too much to drink or something else.

I told my wife, that Kathy (btw this is not her real name) works a corporate job she has had training on this and that she knows better. And our son was uncomfortable. He is 18+ but he doesn’t know how to deal with an adult-adult let alone someone saying that in our house.

I told my wife flat out that if I was to invite a guy friend and he was to ask to see our daughter in a bikini my wife would have called the police. She says its different. I tell her that I was way kinder to Kathy than I would have been had a guy said something like that to our daughter.

And I told my wife that Kathy needs to apologize to my son before she can ever come into our house again. Overall, I think I was fair. If Kathy just said it once and I said that I think I would be the a**hole, but the fact she kept repeating it that’s why I said it. And I wanted her to get the message that yes I am upset that’s why I included the u**y part.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

TheRealBillSteele −  NTA. Double standard no more. I wouldn’t let her around my boy anymore. I would be livid if a husbands friend was telling my daughter the same type of things.

neobeguine −  I’m going to go with NTA. It would probably have been better to say sternly “Kathy, that’s enough. Stop it or leave my house” and leaving her appearance out of it. However, your comments were in the context of her s**ually harrassing your barely legal child who is less than half her age,

and I’m having a hard time sustaining any outrage because you were a little snarky slapping down her exploitive and inappropriate behavior. Your wife is wrong. It is not better because she is a woman and your son is a man.

S**ual harrassment and preying on the fact that younger people often don’t have experience shutting down inappropriate advances, particularly from someone connected to their parents or in some authority or authority-adjacent position, is always wrong.

The gender of the perpetrator and victim are irrelevent, and if she has a tendency to behave in a s**ually inappropriate and aggressive manner when drinking then she should never drink.

Georgejefferson19 −  i really want to say ESH. I dont think that saying “hey Kathy, youre old and u**y lol” is the best way to to about this. What would you have said if she was 30 years old & beautiful ? A better way of handling it would be to say something like: “Kathy, your behavior is crossing a line and needs to stop immediately.

If you dont stop then you will need to leave”. A firm statement like that will get the point across just as well, without hurting anyone, and shows your son how to handle conflict like an adult

quillsandquestions −  NTA she needs to learn that her behavior is unacceptable Edit I’m alarmed by how many people here think the word “u**y” is worse than *actual s**ual harassment.* She chose to open to door to making unwelcome comments on people’s bodies and she deserved to have a dose of her own medicine.

kgrimmburn −  ESH except the son. Your friend for s**ually harassing your son, you for brining her age and appearance into the picture, and your wife for saying “it’s different” because it’s your son and not your daughter.

CriticalFields −  I’m gonna go against the grain here with ESH and I’ll tell you why. Calling out Kathy’s behaviour was absolutely the right thing to do… it set an example for your children, showed your son that you had his back and all kinds of good stuff like that. But the problem *wasn’t* Kathy’s level of attractiveness.

The problem was that she was s**ually harassing your son (in his own home, no less!), irrespective of her appearance. You called Kathy out and protected your son, but, if anything, you’ve perpetuated the double standard being discussed in the comments.

The problem isn’t that an unattractive woman was hitting on your son, it’s that it was flat out s**ual harassment..By making it an issue about her appearance, you’ve completely sidestepped teaching your son a valuable lesson: *his discomfort alone is enough reason* to assert himself or seek help from you in shutting this stuff down in your own home.

He was wronged, you’ve just completely missed giving him the words to understand and explain exactly how. Instead of calling Kathy old and u**y, you could have called her *behaviour* out as unwelcome and predatory. Your son needs to know that even if a young, attractive woman repeatedly made unwelcome advances towards him,

it would still be just as wrong. Otherwise you’re accidentally perpetuating the idea that, if it was a young and attractive woman, it would be welcome no matter what because (implicitly) men always want s** from anyone attractive enough.

That is antiquated and damaging b**lshit. It also gives Kathy no reason to assess her behaviour, but I won’t really count that since teaching her not to be a predator shouldn’t be your job.

takenodeux −  NTA. Thank you for being a good parent and defending your son. How your wife thought it wasnt an issue is beyond me– regardless of gender, what her friend did is a form of harassment. It is also downright creepy that that woman would sexualize her friends son. You did great, dont let your wife make you think otherwise
Edit: english is hard, fixed a phrase

Pac_Mine −  NTA. Your wife is clearly being sexist… Boys and girls should not receive different treatment when it comes to exposing their body. Her friend was a**sive (I don’t know the right therm, I’m a non native English speaker) and your example was totally reliable.

old_gold_mountain −  ESH Her far more than you. She’s s**ually harassing your son. But you a little for sending the message to your son that it’s fine for a woman to do this to him as long as she’s young and pretty in your estimation. The problem wasn’t that she’s “too old and u**y” the problem was she was harassing him.