AITA for telling my wife that she needs to get over me missing the birth of our daughter?

When important life moments are missed due to circumstances beyond our control, the wounds can linger long after the event. In this story, a 27‑year‑old mother recounts the ongoing conflict in her marriage stemming from her husband’s unavoidable absence during the birth of their daughter.

Due to his job’s strict schedule and safety regulations, he was on an inspection when she went into labor about a month early—so by the time he got a signal and reached the hospital, the baby had already been born. Although he has been an involved father since then, his wife repeatedly brings up that he missed the birth during arguments, whether they’re about serious matters or even trivial decisions like choosing fast food.

Frustrated beyond measure during a recent disagreement about daycare arrangements, he snapped, telling her to “get over it” and stop using that past event as a weapon in every argument. Now, he wonders if his blunt approach makes him the asshole for expecting her to move on. Is it fair to insist that a painful memory no longer be a recurring topic, even when it continues to affect the dynamics of their relationship?

‘ AITA for telling my wife that she needs to get over me missing the birth of our daughter?’

Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist specializing in relationship dynamics, explains, “When a significant life event—like the birth of a child—is missed due to unavoidable professional obligations, the resulting hurt can be compounded if it’s repeatedly used as ammunition in later conflicts. It is natural for one partner to hold onto that pain, but constantly bringing it up can prevent healing. Setting boundaries about rehashing past events is an important step in moving forward.”

She continues, “The husband’s role in missing the birth was not due to neglect or a lack of care, but a circumstance inherent to his job. His reaction—asking his wife to let go of the past—is a call for more mature conflict resolution. However, it’s also important to acknowledge the deep emotional impact that such an event can have on the other partner, especially when the absence was felt at a crucial time.”

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert known for his work on communication in couples, adds, “In long-term relationships, unresolved issues can repeatedly resurface if not addressed properly. While the husband’s desire to move past an incident that was out of his control is understandable, it is equally important that his wife feels heard and validated in her pain.

A healthy resolution might involve structured communication—perhaps with the help of a couples therapist—to help both partners navigate their emotions and find common ground.” Both experts agree that while his desire to stop the recurring mention of the missed birth is valid, it is crucial to address the underlying emotional wounds through open dialogue and possibly counseling, rather than dismissing the issue outright.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Several redditors expressed support for his stance. One user commented, “If you missed the birth due to circumstances beyond your control, it’s unfair to have it thrown in your face every time. You’re not the asshole for wanting to move forward.”

Another group shared personal experiences, with one commenter stating, “I understand how painful it can be to keep rehashing old wounds. Your request for her to ‘get over it’ isn’t about dismissing her feelings—it’s about wanting both of you to heal and focus on the future, especially for the sake of your child.”

Ultimately, your reaction to your wife’s constant reminders of the missed birth is understandable—it reflects a deep desire to move on from an event that was out of your control. However, it also highlights the need for both partners to address and heal from the pain that lingers.

Your request for her to “get over it” is a call for a more mature approach to conflict, one that looks toward healing rather than repeatedly reopening old wounds. This situation raises an important question: How do we balance the need to move forward with the necessity of acknowledging and processing deep emotional pain?

What would you do if you were in a similar situation where past hurt continually resurfaces during everyday conflicts? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your insights might help others navigate the delicate balance between moving on and honoring one’s emotional history.