AITA for telling my wife that she needs to get over me missing the birth of our daughter?

A Reddit user shared a challenging situation with his wife, who is still upset about him missing the birth of their daughter due to his work obligations 1.5 years ago. Despite his efforts to be a hands-on dad, she brings up his absence whenever they argue, even over minor disagreements.

During a recent argument about daycare, he reached his breaking point and told her she needed to stop using it against him. Now, she’s furious, and he’s wondering if he was out of line. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for telling my wife that she needs to get over me missing the birth of our daughter?’

I work in a job where they are certain times that I do not have access to my phone or I I am in the middle of nowhere. These times are well scheduled in advance and basically take up my whole day. There are a ton safety regulations I have to follow during this time.

My wife was pregnant and at the time I planned to take off work near her due date. Unfortunately she went into labor early ( about a month early) and I was on an inspection. I only learned about her going into labor when I got signal again. By the time I got to the hospital she has already given birth.

This was about a 1.5 years ago and I am involved father. The issue is every single time we have an argument she will bring up I missed the birth. It happens almost every single time form serious arguments to what fastfood should we get.

Today was my breaking point, we got into an argument about her wanting to change the daycare situation. She wants to change daycare to one closer to the home. I do drop off and she does pick up. The only one closer to our home is too expensive and we can not afford it.

In the middle of the argument she pulled out I wasn’t there for the birth again. I told her she needs to get over that and stop using it in every f**king argument we have. She called me a j**k and left.. AITA

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

SkykingThrGreat −  NTA but I wouldn’t have brought it up at that moment, during the heat of an argument. I would wait till after things cooled down and talk to her and say how hurtful it is that she keeps bringing that up and that she knows that you had no control over it.

If she keeps trying to use it against you, that’d be a more serious conversation.. Edit for clarity: Because apparently some people think I’m gleefully defending the wife here, I wanted to edit to say 1.

My comment was before the OP clarified that he had already had this discussion with the wife before and it has continued and 2. I speak from experience when I say to wait after things have cooled down before speaking.

This is why many of yall can’t have functioning relationships, because you immediately jump to hell fire. With that said, especially because of the added info from the OP, I definitely don’t blame the OP for snapping, but obviously heating conversations will never resolve anything.

As I said in another comment down below early on, the OP doesn’t deserve the resentment from the wife, and I agree with many people that she needs therapy. Only the OP and wife can decide what to do from here, and hopefully, for the sake of the kid, can find a resolution that will leave neither with hurt feelings.

Feelinggross99 −  INFO: Did she have anyone with her during the birth? Did baby have to stay in hospital after birth for more than a few days? I ask because I was like your wife. In a way I still am, but I’ve talked about it both to a therapist and my ex that missed the birth.

It’s scary and I’d hazard a guess a little traumatic too. That doesn’t mean she gets a free pass to throw it in your face at every disagreement. BUT if she’s still hurting from it, don’t expect it to go away with one conversation.  NTA and I hope you guys can get through it together.. Edit: words

twelvedayslate −  Info: does your work not have an emergency on site person that can be reached in case of… well, emergency?

Nowordsofitsown −  You should discuss this in depth. I get the impression from your post that you believe that she thinks you were a bad father for not being there. But she probably brings it up all the time because she felt so vulnerable and alone without you.

But: It was really, really bad luck how things went down:. * a month early. * on a no signal day. * happening so quickly that she went from noticing the birth had started to having given birth within what? 8 hours maximum? The average labor for first time mothers is 13 hours.

(If you ever have a second baby, be prepared for a very, very short labor! Like risking having the baby at home or in the car kind of short!)
Unless there is something you are not telling us? INFO Was there any sign of labor before you left for work that day?  Because if there was, that would be a very different story.

ShutUpMorrisseyffs −  Have you thought about couples therapy? She has unresolved anger towards you. I think you need a professional to sort this out.

kurtzapril4 −  It’s on the kid for coming out a month early.

C_Majuscula −  NTA. This is the definition of both “not fighting fair” and “concealing the real issue.” You didn’t miss the birth due to negligence or apathy, you missed it due to work requirements.

Work is what (I assume) provides income and other necessities. Does she think you should have predicted early labor and what, quit your job?

I recommend counseling to hopefully work past this because her continuing to bring it up for this long is a sign that something else is really the issue. Does she not want you working that job? Is she deflecting from some other marital issue? Does she think you aren’t involved enough?

GimmeUrNachos −  It sounds like you need to get to the REAL root of her issue. Of course she is upset you missed it, but even she certainly understands it was unavoidable! There’s something else going on and perhaps some couples counseling can help.

Or a real sit own conversation and talk it out an ask why she brings it up all of the time. It’s either an effort to hurt and gaslight you or there is something deeper. Just sounds mean.

pickensgirl −  She has weaponized her offense. She fully understands how much it meant for both of you to be there. Now she’s playing on those emotions. Hoping to use them to guilt you into doing what she wants.

This is no longer about you missing the birth but about what she wants winning the day. This is a very toxic reoccurring behavior.  In a calm moment you need to approach her and tell her calmly that what she’s doing is harming your marriage.

That every time she brings that up in the future you will immediately walk away from the conversation. You refuse to be manipulated. Then you need to stick to this plan. Don’t yell. Don’t scream. Just walk away.

She needs to understand that this gets her nowhere with you and that you refuse to participate in conversations where she uses guilt or shaming as a weapon to bludgeon you into compliance to her wants and wishes.

She needs to stop. If she finds herself unable to stop she needs therapy. Individually or couple’s therapy could be very helpful in navigating how to remove this unhealthy behavior. 

cascadia1979 −  NTA. You had made plans to be there but due to your job you had no way of knowing that the baby came early. While it’s understandable for her to have wished you could be there, she needs to accept that it’s not your fault, that there was nothing you could have done.

And more importantly, she really should not be constantly bringing this up anytime you two have an argument. Marriage counseling might help but ultimately this is entirely on her.

She needs to accept how things went down on the day of the birth. Or if she can’t accept it then she should divorce you. But she can’t just continue with this weird middle ground where she keeps raising this.

Was the Redditor justified in asking his wife to move past his absence at their daughter’s birth, or should he be more understanding of her feelings? Share your thoughts and advice in the comments below!