AITA for telling my wife that my mother will never love her and to stop trying?
A Reddit user shares a situation where his wife is upset with him after he told her that his mother would never love her and to stop trying. The user’s mother is described as emotionally distant, having a hard life, and preferring solitude rather than close relationships.
During a family gathering, his wife unintentionally annoyed his mother by continuing to engage with her when she wanted peace. The user tried to intervene but eventually told his wife that her efforts to win his mother’s affection were futile. Now his wife is upset and hasn’t spoken to him since. Read the full story below…
‘ AITA for telling my wife that my mother will never love her and to stop trying?’
I have been married to my wife for two years and the best way to describe my mother is cold, she nots rude or anything it’s just disinterested in my wife.
The best way I can explain my mom is that she is tired. She had a really hard life, doesn’t have much affection left to give and she rarely gets close to anyone.
It’s pure disinterest and she can’t bring herself to care about new people. She’s a retired old lady that just want to sit on the porch not make small talk with people. I’ve explained this to my wife before and told my mothers story. We had a little get together at my moms house. My mom doesn’t like it when people bring food, she works all day to make a spread and it’s like her thing.
She just wants to provide for the guests. My wife came from work and she brought food, potatoes salad. I stop her from bringing it in, the whole night she is just bothering her when she was on the porch. Asking her if she wants to go on a shopping trip, when my mom asks for some quiet she still talks on.
When I was walking by she asked me to take my wife away from her. This made my wife upset but I did it since I could see mom was getting close to the end of her rope.
We had a talk in the care what that was all about, and she just wants to be loved by her MIL. She is being nice so she doesn’t get why she doesn’t like her.
I told her my mother will never love her and to just stop. What she is doing is actively making her dislike you and to leave the women alone. She called me a j**k and hasn’t spoken to me since.
Edit : Almost never, most of the time if people join her on the porch it’s very littler small talk or just join her watching the garden. She doesn’t care how loud they are in the house or anything like that. She likes watching others have a good time, more of an observer than anything.
She asked for quiet with my wife since she was just going on for a while. My sister was out there and told me mom tried politer ways to ask for her to be quiet and it didn’t work. Also the direct request didn’t work with my wife and she kept going.
See what others had to share with OP:
Forward_Ad_7988 − She’s a retired old lady that just want to sit on the porch not make small talk with people.
honestly, your mom sounds like my life goals 😂😂😂
NTA, it sucks for your wife but let people be. not everyone will be liked by everyone and your wife should be old and mature enough to understand that.
Inevitable-Tour-1561 − Damn instead of just saying ‘hey babe don’t try so hard let her warm up to you.’ You just went full on ‘abandon all hope ye who enter into my family.’
Alarming_Reply_6286 − NTA. Leave cranky old people alone… the older I get the more I understand & appreciate this statement. If your wife really wants your mother to like her then she should just ignore her. Say thanks for the food & leave. A lot of people would believe that’s being rude to the host however the gift of kindness is accepting people for who they are… not trying to force them to be someone you want them to be.
Eta — It’s sounds like your Mom is doing her best but I also realize that some people really do find it hard to just sit quietly. Those people should not be around your mother. Maybe wife shouldn’t be visiting with her. There are people who would pay to be able to just ignore their MIL. It’s not a hard ask.
letsgetit899 − Soft YTA. Your mother in law cooked a feast for you and her. That’s her way of showing love. That’s what you should have said instead of saying the love is not there.
[Reddit User] − Might be against the grain here but YTA, your mom too, sort of. Like, why even have a get together if you want to be left the hell alone? “Don’t bring any food only I want to provide for guests, but I don’t want to TALK to guests” Does that not sound strange? Go one way or the other.
Your mom could at least show some basic respect to her especially when SHE is the host. Idk, maybe it’s just a very different family dynamic from what I’m used to but I feel like if I was in your wife’s position I wouldn’t feel very welcome.
Jolly_Tooth_7274 − ESH. Your mother doesn’t have to like your wife but being old and having had a hard life doesn’t entitle her to be rude to your wife. Asking for “quiet”, asking you to “take your wife away from her” right on your wife’s face?! WTF. That’s not alright. Your mother is an a**hole.
You’re an a**hole for making excuses for her and for continuing to bring your wife around your mother and expecting her to put up with being treated with a complete lack of respect by her MIL. Your wife shouldn’t be pushing for a relationship your mother doesn’t want, but you shouldn’t demand her accept being treated like a leper.
Your wife is kind of an a**hole, too, because she needs to understand she can’t force people to like her or to be social with her if they don’t want it. Your mother has made it clear (and in the rudest way possible) she is not willing to be friendly toward her; she needs to let it go mostly because she’s the only one being hurt.
That said, upon reading your comments, I think there’s a high chance your mother is in a deep state of depression and has been for a while (you mention her antisocial behavior got worse after your father’s passing). She should get help.
BenynRudh − Your wife is TA. The old lady likes her peace and quiet and to not have her guests worry about things like bringing food. Your wife has been told this and still badgers her/ignores her wishes. She needs to get the message. Your mother isn’t being rude, she’s still hosting and providing food, just doesn’t want bothering or to make small talk. No big deal.
Reasonable-Ad-3605 − NTA. Your wife isn’t being nice. Nice would be treating your mother they way your mother wants to be treated not the way your wife wants to treat her. I think saying “love” in the manner you did was probably not the most tactful way to say it but tact wasn’t working.
Allaboutbird − NTA. I don’t think your wife has bad intentions at all, but she has to realize you can’t force a relationship with someone, particularly when you’re treating them the way you’d want to be treated rather than the way THEY want to be treated. If your mom were being actively disrespectful to your wife I would call you an AH for not standing up for her, but it sounds like your mom just wants to be left alone.
Sorry_I_Guess − ESH. Literally every last one of you is d**adful and needs a reminder about how to be a decent, thoughtful human being. Your mother included.
Your wife is an AH because she doesn’t actually care about GENUINELY bonding with your mother, she likes the IDEA of a “close MIL/DIL relationship”.
I know lots of women like her (and to be clear, this is not limited to women, but it’s a trait that is often inculcated in women, to be “sociable” and “outgoing” even at the cost of being genuinely caring or empathetic): self-absorbed, and so caught up in the idea of how a particular relationship “should” work that they don’t actually stop to listen to the other person, or respect their boundaries. They end up rubbing everyone the wrong way.
Your wife, it seems, doesn’t ask what your mother would like from her. Instead she storms into every get-together like the proverbial bull in the china shop, being exhausting and overbearing, offering “help” that your mother doesn’t want and that may even read as offensive (e.g. bringing food when part of your mother’s pride and joy is cooking and providing plentiful meals for her guests), and talking endlessly to a woman who is clearly an introvert who values her quiet time
You are a MASSIVE AH for telling your wife that your mother “will never love her” when even you admit that’s not necessarily true, if she would change her behaviour. What an unnecessarily cruel, disgusting thing to say. I can’t think of anything you could possibly say to someone you are supposed to care about that is more clearly intended to be hurtful.
Yes, you are right to talk to your wife about how she interacts with your mother, to tell her that her behaviour is damaging the relationship, and to explain how she could improve their interactions. But just telling her, “My mother will never love you,” is an awful thing to say that serves no purpose except to hurt her.
And your mother is an AH because, well, your description of her isn’t actually a defense of her behaviour, it’s just the definition of being an AH: She had a really hard life, doesn’t have much affection left to give and she rarely gets close to anyone. It’s pure disinterest and she can’t bring herself to care about new people.
She doesn’t have to be best friends with anyone, but that doesn’t give her licence to treat people like s**t either. If she cannot be kind, or at least polite and reasonably friendly, she shouldn’t be inviting people into her home. “Pure disinterest” in how you treat people is literally just a synonym for “not giving a s**t” . . . or assholery.
You are literally telling us that your mother is an a**hole, and expecting us to . . . what? Call her something else? No. She’s a grown ass adult. If she treats people rudely, then she’s an AH. Being old and tired is not an excuse for not having basic manners. And I say that as someone who is old and exhausted.. ESH. You all sound d**adful.
Do you think the user was wrong for being so blunt with his wife about his mother’s inability to show affection, or was he simply being honest about the situation? How would you handle a family dynamic where a loved one struggles to connect with your spouse? Share your thoughts below!