AITA for telling my wife I do not want to live more in line with my weath / social status?

A Reddit user describes a conflict with his wife about their lifestyle and spending habits. They’ve been married for 8 years and, despite his growing financial success, he prefers a modest lifestyle, focusing on experiences rather than luxury goods.

His wife, however, feels embarrassed by their current lifestyle and wants to align more with the wealthier standards of her social circle. The user wonders if he should compromise to help her feel more accepted. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for telling my wife I do not want to live more in line with my weath / social status?’

I have been with my wife since university, we have been together for 14 years married for 8. My practice has been doing very well, and I do have joint finances with my wife. We have recently been arguing more about money. I am a frugal person when it comes to things materialistic items.

I am all for spending on trips and adventures and we do so often. I just despise spending money on items that overly show my wealth. My wife has made claims that it is unfair and embarrassing that we live the way we do. She wants to be more in line with her friends.

I have told her countless times that is simply not my style, I am fine with what we have I do not need to show off or prove something to others. I do understand and see people do talk about us but I just don’t care.

Should I have listened to my wife’s pleas and given her the finer things so to speak so she would feel more included or less of an outcast?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Living-Highlight7777 −  INFO – I do understand and see people do talk about us. What do they say? Are we talking, “why do Joe and Sue drive 2018 Hondas and not 2023 BMWs?” Or are we in the realm of “why is Joe and Sue’s house falling apart?”

Simple-Ad-5964 −  This sounds like me and my husband… 😀 My husband is very frugal – is more interested in the utilitarian aspects of things. I like pretty, shiny things. It actually works when you realize it’s a good thing to let the other partner have their way once in a while.

My husband makes sure I don’t run our finances into the ground with my extravagant tastes and I make sure he doesn’t drive around in a car that looks like he’s been cooking meth in the trunk… ~~So – NAH, just try to find a balance where you can both be happy.~~

I am going to change my vote to NTA, based on the $15k expenditures! That is an insane amount of money! I thought we were talking about pretty shoes, and trips to Sephora or Target levels of money!

I did share some of the comments (to my original comment) with my husband because I thought I was being maybe slightly flippant but mostly innocuous (“try to find a balance where you can both be happy”).

He was surprised and slightly disturbed that people jumped to so many conclusions based on some of the comments saying that I am no help, taking advantage of him, or maybe even financially abusing him, especially since I do contribute equally to all household expenses/savings.

Although he did say, that if I started spending $15k/month we would have to have some serious discussions! I said same!

bigmayne23 −  Going to tell you now youre going to be facing one of two choices here very shortly.

1) you give in to your wifes materialistic desires and spend more money
2) your wife will divorce you and take half of what you own so she can live the lifestyle she wants.

Youre nta for wanting to be frugal, but be careful here. You’re very close to losing half your s**t.

Cagahum −  These comments are just dense… NTA, but your wife is. If she wants a luxurious lifestyle, she can get a job and pay for it. I’m sorry but expecting your partner to provide unnecessary luxury items is ridiculous. This would be a great post to swap the genders on and see the moral outrage.

[Reddit User] −  So after reading all of OP’s comments in this thread, here is what we know…

1) They do not have kids, nor do they plan to.
2) She stopped working at the start of the pandemic, and doesn’t want to go back to work.

3) She spent $15,000 shopping last month.
4) They live in a safe home in an ethnically diverse community. She says she feels unsafe, but won’t elaborate on why. Decent chance she’s a r**ist.

5) She forces him to wear her handpicked outfits when they hang out with her friends.

At best, she is a lazy gold digger. At worst, she is a m**ipulative, controlling, a**sive, r**ist gold digger. The truth is probably in the middle. NTA, and OP losing half of his s**t would totally be worth a divorce.

thirdtryisthecharm −  INFO.What specifically does she want to change? What is she embarrassed about? I do understand and see people do talk about us. Who talks about you? Why? she would feel more included or less of an outcast? What is she presently excluded from? Why can she not spend some money as she sees fit to remedy this?

MyLastFuckingNerve −  My husband and i make well into 6 figures. I just bought a $12 dress at walmart because it was so freakin cute!!! We live in a modest house and drive base model vehicles. We spend money where it’s important, like the $6000 custom built bed that we sleep like we’re dead in.

My back hasn’t hurt near as much since we bought that bed and i don’t toss and turn. The car i drive 13 minutes to work and back? It’s stupid to buy luxury for that. You are NTA for making wise financial decisions. More house means more insurance, more taxes, more maintenance, more headache.

Our cute little house won’t be a big deal when we need a new roof or siding. It’s fiscally responsible, honestly.

Wandering_aimlessly9 −  No one sucks here. But here is the thing…neither is wrong but neither is right. Your wife deserves some nice things and you deserve to have savings. You guys need to make compromises. My husband and I are getting ready to move.

We are working on compromises of his desire for a really nice home vs my desire for a frugal home lol. I feel you I really do. I’m working on realizing that he deserves nice and so do I. (I wonder if part of my issues are that I don’t feel I deserve nice bc I grew up in an emotionally a**sive home) So my question is this…

why do you think you should live in a poverty style way when you make a decent amount of money?

JenninMiami −  NTA if she wants to showcase a wealthy lifestyle, she should get a better paying job and spend her own money on those superficial things. Flaunting wealth on luxury or name brand items is stupid. There’s no reason it should come out of the joint finances.

Pentanubis −  NTA. Seek some marriage counseling so that you can work out an amicable compromise with a neutral party. If you both don’t meet somewhere in the middle it might be bad news for your future together.

This post touches on differing views about wealth and how it influences relationships. Should the user stick to his values, or is it time for a compromise to ease his wife’s discomfort?