AITA for Telling My Wife Her Parents Will Die?

A husband (39) is frustrated that his wife (36) rarely contacts her parents, even after they’ve helped the couple financially. Having lost both his parents, he worries she’ll have regrets if she doesn’t make the effort now.

During an argument, he told her, “They’ll be dead someday,” which deeply hurt her, and she’s since called him cruel and unforgiving. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for Telling My Wife Her Parents Will Die?’

I (39 M) and my wife (36 F) have been together for 14 years and have what I consider a great marriage. We very rarely have arguments and in general have a pretty good life. My wife had a pretty good, middle class childhood, no major issues other than the typical stuff you experience as you grow up.

Her parents were loving and did the best they could for her and her brother. There are no buried secrets or hidden abuses, I don’t believe either my wife or her brother ever even got spanked. Her parents are divorced but still on great terms with one another and with the family at large.

They live about 1,200 miles away from us so we don’t see them as often as I would like. Her parents have always been there for us and on more than a few occasions have helped us financially when we needed it. Honestly they are a somewhat boring Hallmark channel family and I cherish it.

Shortly after getting married my father passed away and my mother passed about a year later. I was very close to both of them and the loss was terrible. I often think about every time I didn’t pick up the phone to call them or would put off a visit because I’d “do it next time”.

My wife is really terrible about being in contact with her family, but especially her parents. She just… doesn’t make an effort. I will often ask her if she has spoken to anyone and she just says “I will later” and then never does. Sometimes weeks go by and she won’t reach out to them at all.

Her mother made a comment once that she knows everyone is busy but she wished her children would reach out a little more. It drives me crazy that she just doesn’t try- there is no reason. I could understand if they had been bad parents or had done something to her but that isn’t the case.

When I ask her why she won’t do it she says she doesn’t need to. I told her a few weeks ago that I encourage her to speak to her parents because I miss mine terribly and I really regret every missed opportunity.

I just don’t want her to have the same regrets. She said just doesn’t feel that way and kinda moved on without saying much more. Her parents sent us some money to cover an unexpected medical bill and I thanked them but told my wife she really should reach out and at least say thank you.

She said she would “later”. I am embarrassed to say that I got angry and I said ” You know, they’ll be dead some day and there won’t be a later!” She began crying and told me that I was cruel and should never have said something like that.

I apologized to her profusely and again told her I just have my own baggage from my parents and it gets to me sometimes. I told her I just want her to use the chances she has now. She told me she will never be able to forgive me and that she will always “think about how cruel” I was to her.

I know I messed up but I still don’t understand why she can’t just speak to her parents. AITA?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Mobile_Following_198 −  ESH. You shouldn’t have said what you said, but her taking it to “I’ll never forgive you” levels is really extreme. Also, you know it already, but your baggage with your parents shouldn’t impact your wife’s relationships with her own.

She can choose to be as close or not to them as she wants, and if she winds up having regrets, that’s on her. Additionally, don’t be so quick to jump and say her childhood was perfect. A lot of the worst abuses are hidden behind a perfectly crafted veneer.

My dad was a raging a**oholic, and my mom emotionally, physically, and s**ually abused me. My dad died when I was younger and left me alone with my mom. Everyone thought (and still thinks) we had the perfect family. Could be something you don’t know about that explains the distance with her parents, or yes, she could just be taking them for granted.

Sufficient_Fruit234 −  You could just start giving her parents regular calls. It sounds like they are nice people.

Andr3aJones13 −  I know I have to give a judgement but I feel like neither of you are AH.. So I’ll say NAH. I lost and miss my dad so much, I was living away from him and my mum and I regret not coming home more. Not spending more time with him.

I can’t make someone feel the way I do, and I get where you are coming from, but life does get in the way and maybe that’s just the way your wife is. My thought is that you should call, sounds like you have a good relationship with them.

Maybe if your wife sees you calling and chatting away with her mum and dad, she’ll talk to them more. Lead by example my friend… its not weird to give them a call and ask how they are, talk to her pop about football or something he enjoys. Might be helpful for you too to connect.. Edit to add the correct judgement

Common_Bill_4222 −  NTA, she couldn’t even call and say “thank you” for the assistance? Checking in occasionally is nice but not calling and thanking them for their recent help is classless. And flipping it on you saying you’re the j**k for saying they won’t be around forever? A-hole behavior.

Maybe you were crass the way you told her, but maybe she needs a wake up call, sometimes the blunt truth is the only way it registers. I bet when that time comes, she’s gonna be the first to cry how unfair it was that she didn’t get to spend more time with them.

Have a sibling that was the same way, then when my parents passed they cried about not getting too spend more time with them, even though they literally drove by my parents house every day on the way to work. I Told them they had every chance, but never did, so STFU. Of course I was the a**hole for saying that, but I don’t care.

SummitJunkie7 −  NAH – you’re grieving and you want to spare your wife some small part of the pain you’re currently feeling. But her relationship with her parents is not yours to manage. You can make a suggestion, and you have, now you have to let it go.

She needs to make her own choices about her interactions with her own family. Your relationship with your in-laws is yours to manage. You could call her parents and thank them for the help with the medical bill. You could invite your in-laws out to lunch.

As long as this isn’t crossing a boundary for your wife, like they are abusers and she has gone no-contact, of course. You shouldn’t have pushed, and then you shouldn’t have snapped, and it was a messed up thing to say,

I also think “never able to forgive you” for one comment spoken in frustration and apologized for is over the top (was that just her in the moment reaction, or is she sticking to “never forgive you” weeks later?) You both could have been kinder to each other in the moment.

I know I messed up but I still don’t understand why she can’t just speak to her parents. She can, she’s choosing not to, she has her own reasons, let it be.

Enough-Process9773 −  ESH. What you said was messed up. You have issues about your late parents, and you want to impose them on your wife. She’s got her own relationship with her parents, and it’s not yours.

and you went way over the line when you said “You know, they’ll be dead some day and there won’t be a later!” You need to let go completely of any idea that you get to push contact with her parents on your wife. I’m not surprised she didn’t accept your apology: it’s evident from your post that it was insincere.

But I think your wife also a bit over the top in saying it was unforgivable cruelty. You don’t come across as being cruel, just clueless and unaware of how hurtful and intrusive you’re being.

So: QUIT PUSHING CONTACT. Your wife doesn’t have to tell you why she doesn’t want to make contact with her parents, and you don’t have to project your baggage about your parents’ d**th on to her.

Northstar04 −  Very soft YTA. OP, I think you are projecting onto your wife and would benefit from grief counseling for your own loss. You can’t force someone else to be close to their parents. If you like her parents so much, why don’t you call them yourself? They might love that.

Also, just as an fyi, it is possible your wife’s upbringing wasn’t as rosy as it looks. Physical abuse isn’t the only type of adverse upbringing. I can’t know this, but it’s possible your wife was emotionally neglected by her parents and that’s why it feels meaningless to her to talk to them as often as you might expect.

That might be wildly wrong, but it happened to me and I didn’t realize it until my 40s. I thought I had a Hallmark family. I actually had a dysfunctional narcissistic family masquerading as a Hallmark family.

Of course it may be different for your wife. Maybe she DOES take having wonderful parents too much for granted. But, still, you can’t force her to change her feelings and interactions because you are missing your parents. I am sorry for your loss btw. I hope you can get support and work this out with your wife.

StAlvis −  YTA I just don’t want her to have the same regrets. **She said just doesn’t feel that way** and kinda moved on without saying much more.. Stop. Projecting. I am embarrassed to say that I got angry and I said ” You know, they’ll be dead some day and there won’t be a later!”

It’s not an immutable fact that your wife is going to outlive them. She could easily go first.

thriceusetissue −  NTA. You’re right. They will die, she will regret not reaching out more. From experience, if your spouse has lost both their parents and gives you their thoughts about your relationship with yours.. take them seriously.

I hope your wife comes to understand your perspective, because it is rooted in love and concern. Best wishes to all involved. 

MeInSC40 −  Phones work two ways. Her parents also have the opportunity to call.

Is he justified in pushing for more family connection, or was his approach too harsh? Share your thoughts below!