AITA for telling my stepmom she’s not as important after refusing to recreate a girly family day with her?

Family gatherings and special days are meant to bring joy and unity—but sometimes, they expose deep-seated tensions that are hard to ignore. In this story, a 17-year-old girl recounts the fallout after refusing to recreate a “girly family day” with her stepmom.

In a blended family already fraught with competing loyalties and unresolved resentments, she made it clear that she only considers her biological mother as her true mom, along with her two cherished grandmothers. Her stepmom, feeling excluded and insisting that she should treat all maternal figures equally, demanded that the girl join a family day that she had no interest in.

In a moment of raw honesty, the girl told her stepmom that she isn’t her second mom and that she doesn’t appreciate the constant attempts to compete with and push her biological mom aside. This declaration sparked a heated argument, with her stepmom accusing her of being ungrateful and heartless. Now, the girl stands by her feelings, questioning whether her blunt stance makes her the asshole or simply a teenager setting necessary boundaries.

‘ AITA for telling my stepmom she’s not as important after refusing to recreate a girly family day with her?’

Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist specializing in family dynamics, states, “In blended families, it is common for boundaries to be blurred, particularly when a stepparent’s role is not clearly defined. When a young person feels that someone is attempting to usurp the place of a biological parent, their emotional response can be very strong. While it is important to foster healthy relationships, forcing a child to accept a role they are uncomfortable with can lead to lasting resentment.”

Dr. Markham continues, “It’s essential for families to communicate openly about roles and expectations. In this case, the teenager’s clear statement—that she does not view her stepmom as a parental figure—reflects her need for authenticity in her relationships. While the tone might be blunt, it is often a necessary defense of personal identity.”

Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman adds, “Family conflicts that revolve around identity and belonging can be particularly intense during the teenage years. The need to protect one’s sense of self, especially when faced with demands to blur important familial boundaries, is understandable.

A balanced approach through family therapy can help address these issues, but the immediate reaction to assert boundaries is not inherently wrong.” Both experts agree that while the situation is complex and emotions run high, the girl’s response is a valid expression of her need to maintain a clear and respected identity within her family structure.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Several redditors expressed support for her decision. One user commented, “If your stepmom’s behavior makes you feel like you’re being forced into a role you never signed up for, you’re not being ungrateful for asserting your boundaries. It’s your right to decide who holds a parental role in your life.”

Another group shared personal experiences, with one commenter stating, “I’ve had to navigate similar issues in blended families. Your feelings are completely valid—if you don’t see her as a mom, you shouldn’t be forced to act like you do. Family should honor your feelings, not override them.”