AITA for telling my step-daughter to “go ask her real dad” when she asked me to pay for her plane tickets?

A Redditor shared his frustrations about his strained relationship with his stepdaughter, who has often shown him disrespect despite his efforts to support her financially and emotionally. When she recently asked him to cover her plane tickets, he responded with, “Go ask your real dad,” a comment that upset her and led to conflict with his wife. Was his reaction justified after years of trying, or did he go too far? Read the full story below to decide.

‘ AITA for telling my step-daughter to “go ask her real dad” when she asked me to pay for her plane tickets?’

The article has the next update at the end.

I married my wife Elise 12 years ago. She has a 16 year old daughter (Ana) from her previous relationship and we have a 7 year old son as well. From pretty much the beginning of our relationship, Ana and I have never gotten along. I don’t know how to emphasize that it is NOT because of a lack of trying. She just does not like me. When she was young she was just scared of me and “afraid I’d tear their family apart”.

Nowadays it’s more of a neutral dislike rather than strong antipathy so I suppose that’s progress. Elise is a stay at home mother, so she relies on me for income. As a result, I pay for everything for Ana. Food. Clothes. Volleyball fees. Field trips. I take an interest in her hobbies. I go to her games. I’m not saying I’m perfect but I try my damn hardest to be the step-father I can.

But it’s so… hard. Always giving me curt 1-word responses. Always having to have an attitude. She does things to get a rise out of me. Staying out late reeking of booze. Always trying to sneak boys in. Typical rebellious stuff. But I always let her know I love her and I’m there for her in hopes of her “shithead teenager” phase pasts.

The opposite is true for her biological father. She adores him. Can’t tell you why. He never goes to her games, always makes excuses for why he doesn’t want to see her. He forgot her birthday last month and she cried herself to sleep.

Well anyways, Friday, I came to her room to check her phone and read her messages (not a permanent thing, but she’s been caught sneaking out twice in the last month so this is her punishment). I ask for the phone, she says “no, I’m tired of you checking my s**t, leave me alone”.

I tell her I’m not asking again and she goes “just f**k off already. You’re not my real dad. You never have been. Stop acting like you can tell me what to do” before getting up and slamming the door. Like I said guys. I’m tired. Tired of the blantant disrespect. Of being the verbal punching bag while still providing more for her than anyone else in her family.

We haven’t really talked since until this morning during breakfast. She asked if I could pay for her plane tickets so she could see her boyfriend cross-state. Like I said, her mom doesn’t work and her dad is a POS so I normally would be the one to cough up the money. Not this time. I responded “go ask your real dad”. I could tell she was hurt. Tears swelled up from her face and she excused herself from the table.

My wife took me aside later and said my comment was extremely disrespectful. I said if anything’s disrespectful, it’s her treating me like a doormat and a credit card, and I will no longer tolerate this treatment in my house. I told her we don’t have to be friends, but if she can’t at least be cordial to me or respect my position as an authority figure, she can find someone else to pay for her non-essentials. AITA?

Next update: https://aita.pics/IZxRK

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

breakfastpitchblende −  NTA, but you barely mentioned your wife, her mother. Why is she not handling this with her daughter? You’ve been in her daughter’s life since she was 4, as (step)dad, and your wife has continued to let this fester? She’s continued to let her daughter disrespect you and continued to mislead her daughter about her father’s true character. This is all kinds of wrong. EDIT: Thank you for the award, kind redditor!

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Maybe your daughter can have a first-hand look at how much words can hurt. I think you should go to her, apologize (never mind the fact she doesn’t deserve it. You’re the adult, be the bigger person), and set firm, fair, and strict rules about behavior going forward.

Tell her what you told us; that you don’t have to be friends, but you need her to respect your authority and at least be cordial to each other. Maybe ask her why she doesn’t like you. Ask if there’s anything you can do to support her better. And most importantly, remind her that you love her and will be there for her. Teenage girls are hard man. Keep trying; a decade from now, she’ll be grateful that you chose the high road

snailsandstars −  ESH. She’s the bratty teenager, not you. Also, please for the love of god don’t look through your teens’ phones. That’s not going to help s**t. They’re just going to get better and better at hiding things from you.

Alx101598 −  I just want to give a slightly different perspective. When my parents divorced, I “adored dad” and was mad at mom. But you know what? I did not dare be angry at my dad. He might go away and I never see him again. I trusted my mom enough to dare to be angry – I knew she would not abandon me. But I agree that stepdaughter needs to be respectful. But she might like you more then you think.

jaidenlm −  NTA. Where is your wife in all this? Why the hell is she letting her daughter treat you like this??

1Tallboi −  ESH. You’re acting like a child to get back at a child. Her mother should have stepped in a long time ago. You need family counseling and individual counseling ASAP.

turingtested −  ESH. Elise sucks for not dealing with this budding problem 12 years ago. Ana sucks for not appreciating the material things you provide. You s**k for stooping to Ana’s level and claiming to not understand why she feels a connection to her biological father.

I also take issue with you going through her phone. If you are genuinely concerned for her physical safety, talk it over with Elise and let Elise make the call. I think there are very few circumstances that justify violating someone’s privacy, and from what you’ve written here it was more of a power move than anything else.

greenradioactive −  NTA you’re not a punching bag. Your wife should be on your side.

leila0 −  ESH and you moreso, because you’re the adult in this situation. The way you describe your relationship with your daughter reveals a lot. You say she does things like staying out late, drinking, and sneaking boys in the house “to get a rise out of you.” Her own birth father forgot her birthday last month and she cried herself to sleep over it … but you only describe this as evidence that she cares about him more than you.

You describe her feelings towards you when she was four years old – barely verbal!! – and her feelings now in the same sentence, as if she’s been an adult fully capable of understanding the world for that entire time. You clearly care for her a lot, but you’ve allowed your pain to cloud your judgment of her character and behaviour.

She is a child. She is staying out late and drinking because she has no idea how to process her feelings of a**ndonment, of being an outsider in her own family. She is crying herself to sleep because she feels utterly unloved and unloveable.

She is lashing out at you because she feels like you’re only there for her because it’s a requirement of being with her mother. Of course these things all hurt, of course it hurts to be treated with contempt for years when you keep trying to help. But somehow your family has failed to deal with these insecurities and now they’ve ballooned into a real problem that could cause long-term harm. Your hurt is secondary to that issue.

So you have to be bigger than her. Your wife is right – don’t stoop to her level. And don’t let yourself think that she’s doing these things “at” you purely because she dislikes you. Try to look at this situation calmly and with empathy. Get her into therapy and get into therapy yourselves. Apologize to her – not because you think what she did was OK, but because no one should ever treat her like that.

Also, I hope you’re not talking about money with your family the way you talk about it in this post. Just because your wife is a SAHM does not mean she is not contributing to the household. It’s not your money, it’s the family’s money, so when you “cough up” the money for her expenses, it’s the whole family doing that, not you. Not saying you should pay for the plane ticket – quite the opposite actually, I think it’s a huge ask and possibly a dangerous one! – but that you should treat it as asking the whole family for money, not just you the provider.

Ozzytudor −  YTA. Dude, you’ve been her father figure for 12 years now. 12 years. That’s over 50% of her life. Yeah, maybe she has her issues about her real father not being about, can you blame her? It’s an awful thing and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

The incident you described…dude you’re reading through a 16 year old’s phone. What do you expect? You’re not giving her any privacy, i’d be surprised if a 16 year old didn’t lash out like that.
Talk to her, voice your concerns and be real about it, don’t pull the “i keep food on the table you listen to me”.