AITA for telling my step-daughter it’s okay if she wants to call me mum? ?
A Reddit user shares their experience as a stepmother to a 12-year-old girl, Rosie. After years of building a close relationship, Rosie asked if she could call her stepmother “mum,” a choice that upset her biological mother during a recent interaction. The stepmother wonders if she was wrong to allow Rosie to make that decision and if she handled the situation appropriately.
‘ AITA for telling my step-daughter it’s okay if she wants to call me mum? ?’
So I feel like there’s a lot of context to be given here. I (30F) married my husband Kieran (32M) five years ago. We dated for three years prior to getting married & he had a daughter Rosie (currently 12F) from a pervious relationship. I’ve known her since she was 5.
Kieran has always had the majority of custody over her as her mother has dealt with numerous addictions through her life and as such, she comes to see her daughter maybe once every six months. She’s honestly a nice woman but she’s just faced a lot of issues in her life – and much of the decision to let Kieran have custody was her own.
Three years ago, Kie and I had our first child (currently 3M). It was a little while after this that Rosie came to talk to me and asked me if it would make me uncomfortable if she called me mum. I know that I’m not the woman that birthed her and that biologically, I’m not her mum, but I was okay with it if that was what she wanted to call me – because the love that I feel for her is very much motherly.
I’d never talked to her about it before this point and she always called me by my name, I wanted to give her the space to talk to me about it if she ever wanted to or if she didn’t. My main concern was always what she was comfortable with. I talked to Kie about it later and he said the same thing, that he didn’t really care as long as both Rosie and I were okay with it.
Last night was one of the nights that Rosie’s mum had pre-organised to see her as it’s her birthday soon, and so Rosie went off with her mum for dinner and it was all good.
When they got back later, Riley asked if she could talk to me and so I said yes (figuring it was probably about Rosie) and she basically got very angry that I had told Rosie it would be okay for her to call me mum, went off on one saying that I’m not her mum, that I’ve got my own kid and I can f**k off trying to play happy family with Rosie. I told her that I understood I hadn’t birthed her but that it was Rosie’s choice.
Riley kind of stormed out after and I understand why she’s upset; but considering that Rosie came to me on her own terms and asked I don’t see how I’m the problem.
That being said I can understand how much it would hurt her mum, but I just don’t see how it could be a bad thing for three adults to love her so much instead of two. Rosie was upset about the situation but didn’t want to talk to me about why. AITA? Should I have dealt with the whole situation differently?
These are the responses from Reddit users:
Realistic_Head4279 − NTA. We have a very similar situation in our family. When a mother fails to be present as a mother needs to be, and another woman is a constant in that woman’s child’s life and treats her as a daughter, it is very normal that the child would want to refer to her as mum, especially when there is a sibling in the home who calls the woman mum.
This child wants to be a full part of the family she is living with, understandably. Riley is thinking only of her ego, not the wellbeing of her child. Instead of criticizing you for this, she should be grateful to you for stepping up and providing her child what she was not. Sadly, she is now creating a lot of drama for Rosie that will likely cause some serious heartache for Rosie.
Rosie will not be confused as to who birthed her nor will she be confused as to who actually mothered her with consistency. That said, she is 13 and that is a difficult age at best. I get that her mother’s outrage will affect her. When you do talk to her, let her know that what she calls you does not define how you love and care for her and that you will support her completely if she prefers to address you by your first name again.
Continue to be the supportive, loving mother you have been to her. A loving mother does not want her child torn apart as this woman is trying to do to suit her ego. In the end, this is about Rosie and what will make it easier for her going forward. Thank you for stepping up for this young girl.
KateCapella − NTA. I reckon that the reason that Riley is so upset about this, is that deep down, she knows that she is not really a mother to Rosie. She only sees her once in a blue moon, and the fact that this was Rosie’s idea, just twists the knife a little harder. She is lashing out at you because she is angry at herself and you are the easy target to vent her anger on.
fiestafan73 − Riley is Rosie’s mother, but she is not her mum. And she knows that. That is why she is upset. Mothers give birth, but a mum or mom is the one who is there for you to guide you and protect you. You did what so many stepparents in these reddit threads don’t do…you didn’t try to force yourself in as a second mom. You supported her and she came to that conclusion on her own terms. Absolutely NTA.
GamesDontStop − Three years ago, Kie and I had our first child (currently 3M). It was a little while after this that Rosie came to talk to me Did this conversation with Rosie occur \~3 years ago? Why is it coming up now? Is Rosie starting to realize that Riley isn’t there for her and letting Riley know that she really isn’t her mother? Or did Riley specifically ask about it? If it’s taken 3 years for Riley to throw a hissy fit, something is probably happening.
Due-Passenger7093 − I mean you’re not playing happy family… it sounds very much like you are one… Obviously NTA because the girl asked to call you mom… i understand why that’s upsetting for the mother but… Do what’s best for the kid and not for the Mother… while not biologically her mother… after being there every day from her being 5… you are de facto her mother…
DinaFelice − The best thing you can do with kids (especially in blended families) is to *listen* to them and let them have the kind of relationship with you that *they* want. Riley is going about this poorly…she doesn’t seem to realize that her issue isn’t *that* Rosie is calling you mum, her issue is that Rosie *wants* to call you mum.
If you had refused it outright, or you went back to Rosie and told her to stop now, neither of those things would do the tiniest thing to repair the relationship between her and Rosie (or if their relationship is fine, calling you mum too isn’t hurting anything anyway). NTA.
That being said, it might be worth going back to Rosie and double-checking with her *why* she wants to call you mum. If it’s because she already thinks of you as her mum (or her second mum) and it just feels right, that’s fine.
If she’s doing it because she’s worried that you and her father might decide that your new baby is “enough” and not want Rosie anymore (and therefore, calling you mum is a way for her to try to protect her place in the family), then she probably needs some more support for her anxieties.
jazzyma71 − NTA. If anything it shows you deeply care about Rosie. Riley is mad bc her poor choices have led to this. It is definitely not your “fault,” I think it shows that Rosie loves you and knows you love her.
I am making some big assumptions in my mind, but am thinking Rosie has some hurt feelings regarding her mother. And the only thing I can read between your lines is she wants to be in your family unit.
Maybe her dad can sit her down and talk to her about her feelings regarding her mother. Did she rub it in Riley’s face that she views you as her mother? Regardless, this sounds like a beautiful thing that she loves you and thinks of you as her mom ❤️
East_Parking8340 − No. Rosie views you as her mother. You do all the things a mother does, including love her. Her bio mother gave up custody and sees her rarely and probably only to appease her own guilt (I saw her for her birthday, kinda thing).
Bio mother should be grateful that Rosie is secure and comfortable enough with you to see you in that way. Bio mother should be eternally grateful that you treat Rosie as your daughter and not as an unwanted presence in your family.
Bio mother should be embarrassed of herself – jealous because Rosie is well balanced despite her which hopefully means Rosie won’t repeat the mistakes she made.. NTA
ConsitutionalHistory − Riley is a grown woman whereas Rosie is still developing and trying to reconcile herself to the new dynamic. Sorry but Riley needs to get over herself…she’s being selfish when she should really encouraging Rosie as to what makes her feel comfortable.
Trevena_Ice − NTA. You are Rosie’s mom. You have raised her since she was 5 years old. Her mother sees her 2 times a year. This is not a motherly relationship anymore, that’s like a distant relative. And it is only fair to Rosie that she has a person in her live, she can call mom.
Who loves her and is there for her. Yes it hurt Riley, but this is her own fault. In my language there is a saying: ‘becoming a dad is not hard, being one on the other hand is (hard).’ And I think the same goes for moms (although I agree becoming a mother is way harder and less fun then becoming a dad)
Was the stepmother right to respect Rosie’s decision to call her “mum,” or should she have been more cautious about her biological mother’s feelings? How would you handle such a sensitive situation? Share your thoughts below!