AITA for telling my soon-to-be niece that she doesn’t need to wear a dress to my wedding?

A woman, engaged to her fiancé, decided to ask her fiancé’s 15-year-old niece to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, even though they are not very close. During a visit to his family, the niece’s parents made comments about her needing to dress more femininely for the wedding, which made the niece uncomfortable.

The woman, empathizing with the niece, told her she could wear whatever made her comfortable for the wedding, including pants or a jumpsuit. The niece seemed relieved, but her mother became upset and is now pressuring the fiancé to make the woman require a dress. The woman is torn between respecting the niece’s comfort and avoiding conflict with the family.

‘ AITA for telling my soon-to-be niece that she doesn’t need to wear a dress to my wedding?’

I (32f) am getting married to my fianc´é (41m) next year. After we got engaged, I suggested it might be nice if I asked my fiancé’s niece (who’s 15) if she wanted to be a bridesmaid too. I’ve only met her a couple of times, so we’re not close, but she seemed like a cool kid and I thought it might be a nice way for us to bond/ get to know each other/ involve her in the wedding.

Anyway, cut to a few weeks ago and we’re in my fiancé’s hometown to visit his family and discuss wedding-related stuff. His brother, sister-in-law and their daughter came over and I noticed this time that she was dressed a lot more androgynous than I remembered.

The topic moved to wedding dresses and bridesmaid’s dresses and I could see she was immediately uncomfortable. Her parents (her mum really) and grandma were making comments about how she’d need to be more feminine/ brush her hair etc, and how nice it would be to see her like that.

I’ll be honest and say this hit a nerve with me, as I was very much a tomboy as a teenager (even though I’m not anymore) and it absolutely broke me whenever my relatives would say things like that. Eventually, her mother made a comment along the lines of, “It’ll be nice to see you dressed like a girl for once.” and she looked really sad/ embarrassed/ upset.

In response, because that *really* hit a nerve, I immediately told her that my maid of honour would be wearing a trouser suit for the wedding and not a dress and that I’d given all the bridesmaids the option of wearing anything they want as long as it’s in the “wedding colour”, to make things easier.

I pulled out my phone and started showing her photos of the ideas my friend had sent me (a jumpsuit, culottes, a trouser suit, a tailored tux etc) and let her know that she could pick anything at all she wanted – she could even wear jeans and trainers if that made her comfortable – and that it’s a wedding, not a fashion show.

My niece perked up a bit when I said that but her mum looked really pissed off. She’s since asked my fiancé to pressure me into getting all the bridesmaids dresses so their daughter will have to wear one (which, lol, no). My husband doesn’t give a s**t what she wears, but obviously also doesn’t want his family and me to be arguing on the wedding day.

I don’t want to back down because I know what it feels like to be pressured into wearing something that makes you uncomfortable, but on the other hand, I know it’s only for a day and it’d make the family happy. AITA for trying to overrule her parents?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

billlevansatmariposa −  Definitely NTA. Don’t back down. Stand your ground. Never in my life had I thought I would be urging someone to be a bridezilla. Please. Please. Be the bridezilla. Go full bridezilla. Edit: I don’t know how all these awards go and the pink framing and all, but thanks to all who helped that happen.

foozballisdevil −  NTA take her shopping to get her wedding outfit so mom can’t overrule you. Keep your nieces outfit at your place.

Fun-Two-1414 −  NTA She’s 15 and is old enough to decide on how she would like to dress. You are being very reasonable by allowing her to be comfortable in what she is wearing, as long as it is meeting the wedding colour.

The mum is an a**hole for trying to make her daughter wear something that she would be uncomfortable. This would make her not enjoy being your bridesmaid and could also affect your happiness knowing that one of your bridesmaids are not happy.

ArbitraryAngelfish −  NTA. YWBTA if you went back on it now, for a couple of reasons. First, you’d be taking back your word to your other bridesmaids and forcing them all to be less comfortable to accommodate your BIL and SIL’s b**lying.

Second, how would you have felt at that age when your family treated you that way and someone told you you were allowed to wear what you were comfortable in and then immediately turned around and did your family’s bidding instead? If her s**tty parents want to b**ly her into wearing something that makes her uncomfortable, you can’t stop them. But that doesn’t mean you should help them.

SufficientZucchini21 −  You are so right. It’s not a fashion show. To put someone’s comfort ahead of traditional garb and matchy-matchy crap is very nice of you. Sounds like her parents are the ones who need to work on themselves, not their daughter.. NTA.

Backgrounding-Cat −  NTA that niece is in need of trustworthy adult. Sudden switch to androgynous clothing when reaching age when s**ual harassing becomes common… Yeah

GlencoraPalliser −  NTA primarily for respecting your niece’s wishes and prioritizing her comfort, but also it’s your wedding and the other relatives don’t get a say in what your wedding party wears.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. You’re not trying to overrule the parents, the parents are trying to overrule your wedding. I was at a wedding a few years back where the mother of the groom wore a trouser suit. I tell you what, she looked gorgeous and even more elegant than the mother of the bride who wore a dress.

Personally, I think all this matching bridesmaid dresses thing is overrated and let’s face it, there is never a single style of dress that looks good on everyone.

haybails4 −  Im nonbinary & going through literally the exact same thing being a bridesmaid at my sisters wedding. Thankyou for sticking up for her. I wish i had somebody to do that for me.. NTA

Whysocomplicat3d −  WTF!? “Dress like a girl!” Uhm.. I am a girl.. I am dressed.. So what else do I need to do to dress like a girl? I got these sentences, too and I hated it. I either was dressed “like a boy” (in jeans and a shirt) or “like a sl*t” (in a dress or skirt that covered my knees and a regular shirt)

Being a teenager is hard enough without everyone else trying to dictate what you wear and make awful comments about your appearance. You seem to be a cool aunt in law and you’re definitely NTA