AITA for telling my son that the fact that his sister was happier to see her cousin was his fault?
A Reddit user shared a tense family situation involving their adult son Jack (22M) and young daughter Cassie (7F). After years of Jack showing little interest in bonding with Cassie, she formed a close sibling-like bond with her maternal cousin, Will.
During Thanksgiving, Cassie’s enthusiastic welcome for Will and her muted response to Jack upset him. When Jack voiced his frustration, the user pointed out that the lack of connection was a result of Jack’s own choices, leading to a family-wide fallout. Read the full story below to explore the dynamics.
‘ AITA for telling my son that the fact that his sister was happier to see her cousin was his fault?’
I (42M) have a son “Jack” (22M) and a daughter “Cassie” (7F) from two different marriages. I had Jack with my first wife “Penelope” who passed away when Jack was 9. This hit both of us hard. I thought Penelope and I were going to be together forever.
It took me a long time to be ready to date again, which I started doing when Jack was 14. He wasn’t happy about it. I met my first girlfriend, my current wife, “Sara” through work. We dated for a few months before birth control failed and Sara became pregnant.
Because of that, our relationship progressed very fast. She moved in with Jack and I by the time she was four months pregnant. Jack was understandably very upset, but bother Sara and I wanted our child to grow up in a two parent household.
Unfortunately, due to lack of space, we also had to move out of the apartment I shared with my late wife. Jack was put in therapy to help him adjust. However, Jack and I did luck out a bit with Sara. Sara made it a point to have prominent memorabilia of Penelope because of her awful step-mother all but erased Sara’s mother.
After Cassie (my daughter) was born, Jack wanted nothing to do with her, which was understandable, but upsetting. However, Cassie’s maternal cousin “Will” (18M) adored her from day one, and happily stepped into that brother role. Frequent hangouts, played with her dolls, etc.
He even has a matching (i think) hello-kitty necklace with her, and uses it as his good luck charm for his sport. This was the first year both Jack and Will left for college. Jack messed around during highschool and had crappy grades and no scholarships. While I would be able to pay, I refused to pay 50k/year+ for him to s**ew around.
So, he went to community college for two years and this year transferred to a good school. Will was an A student as well as an excellent athlete, and got an almost full ride to a far away school.
Thankfully, both boys were able to come home for Thanksgiving. Jack came home first. She greeted him without much fanfare, but was still happy he was home. This was very different from how she greeted Will.
She waited at my SIL’s house for him, made a huge glittery sign, and started bawling her eyes out when she saw him. My sister-in-law posted the video of them reuniting on Facebook, and Jack saw the video and was very upset at the difference in Cassie’s “welcome home” enthusiasm.
After listening to this for the fifth time, I snapped at him and told him these were the consequences of his actions, i.e. doing nothing to make a bond with his sister for the past seven years. He got pissed and stormed off to his room.
Since then my former in-laws have been ringing my phone off the hook yelling at me and demanding I reprimand my daughter for her lack of enthusiasm at his return. Cassie doesn’t know why, but she can tell her brother is upset at her and it is affecting her. Will is pissed that Jack is making Cassie upset. I don’t know what to do.
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
empreur − You’re correct about why Cassie prefers Will, but YTA for how you are communicating with your son Jack. He’s your kid too, and it doesn’t sound like you treat him very well.
The way you frame the scenario sure makes it seem that you don’t hold your own son in very high esteem. You are very quick to list all of Will‘s great characteristics, and really critical of your son’s perceived shortcomings.
Available_Medicine79 − You sound like you would rather have Will for a son. You talk about Jack like he’s a disappointment to you and talk up Will. Maybe your son picks up on that.
safbutcho − Well, it’s too bad you snapped instead of had an adult conversation with him. Asked him some leading questions to get there on his own. You know that phrase “perception **is** reality”?
Poor kid, I bet he has a very different version of events these last 8 years.. And then…you snapped at him. But I don’t have enough info to make a judgment. Good luck.
MikeDropist − Like all of us,your son is not too old for teachable moments. This was definitely one of them. Before Jack even said anything the first time,you should have taken him aside and,as gently as you could,pointed to her (no doubt adorable) response to seeing her cousin.
You could have *then* pointed out that love is a plant that needs nurturing and *not* something that a person is entitled to because they share DNA. After that,if you think he understood,you could point out to him that she’s 7 and it’s absolutely not too late to start being a great big brother. He just has to want to be.
Didntlikedefaultname − Info: did you do anything to foster the relationship between the kids and between your son and new wife? From the post you sound pretty dismissive of your son.
Edit: a lot of people in this thread seem to have bare minimum standards for being a good and caring parent. I hope you all are the kids who don’t understand yet and not the parents
Ok_Might_6409 − ESH. All I know is that you don’t give a s**t about your son and it’s all about Will. Do better as a father.
Living_Bot_Person − YTA for making me read that love letter to Will. Just adopt him since you are clearly more into having him as a kid than your own son. In a matter of months, it went from just you and Jack to suddenly moving away, having a new mom, and a little sister on the way.
But kudos to you, you threw him in therapy. You did the bare minimum of having someone else deal with your child’s feelings of his life being flipped completely inside out. It’s such a WONDER that his grades weren’t amazing. I’m honestly at a loss as to how he wasn’t the perfect grade A student like your darling Will.
bookishmama_76 − I’m going to go with ESH. Did you, once you started dating Sara, etc etc, spend regular one on one time with Jack? Especially once Cassie was born? How long did his therapy continue once Cassie was born? You definitely couldn’t force a relationship between them but you handled your response to Jack very poorly.
Will was in a much better position to have a good relationship with Cassie. For starters, even though you waited to start dating, you went through the process of dating/moving in together/having another kid at warp speed. And at the worst possible time as Jack was a young teenager.
The hormones, the attitude in addition to his having lost his mom and then feeling like you were replacing her, moving out of the home he knew with her and then replacing him. I’m not saying that’s what you did but there was a really good chance he felt that way. All of those complex feelings were things Will didn’t have to deal with.
He also didn’t have to live with Cassie. Having a baby sibling at 14 probably felt like the biggest inconvenience ever. Babies are loud, disruptive and attention hogs. You could have gently pointed out the markers of the relationship w/Will without snapping at Jack.
Was Jack in the wrong? Yeah. He didn’t take the chance to build a relationship with Cassie so he doesn’t get to be angry at the relationship Will built with Cassie. And your former in laws have no right to demand that you reprimand Cassie.
kataklysmyk − First of all, do not reprimand your daughter for not making a glittery sign for Jack. Forcing her to be friendlier with someone who didn’t want to be forced to be friendly with her makes absolutely no sense, unless the “misery loves company” philosophy is a family motto.
Jack, at 22, complaining that he is second best to an 18 year old who nurtured the sibling he didn’t want is a problem. Yelling at Jack for whining, although understandable, is also a problem. Jack whining to his mother’s parents that he isn’t getting enough attention from everyone is a problem since he’s old enough to be an adult.
Those in-laws making the demand that they did is also a problem. (Do they also resent your daughter?) ESH, except Will and your daughter. The rest of you need family therapy.
Important-Poem-9747 − Jack is clearly bothered that he doesn’t have a relationship with Casey. When he tried to express this you yelled at him. “Your actions have consequences” usually involves adults helping young people to understand how and what their errors were and how they can change in the future.
It’s not a huge surprise that Jack was an AH to Casey, his role model-you- have been an a**hole to him. If you want Jack to treat Casey differently, start by modeling this yourself. There’s also a whole lot more to this story that doesn’t make sense.
The information about the difference in Jack and Will’s college experiences is completely irrelevant and has nothing to do with this story. That said, it probably has something to do with the conflict.
It also doesn’t make sense that will’s opinion about Casey being upset is at all relevant- unless Will is the standard you’ve tried to get Jack to aspire to. After seven years your son is expressing interest in a relationship with his half sister. YTA for not embracing this with all the excitement in the world and creating opportunities for your kids to be together.
Do you think the father’s response to Jack was justified, or should he have been more sensitive given the family dynamics? How would you handle rebuilding bonds between siblings in such a situation? Share your thoughts and advice below!