AITA for telling my son that if he changes his last name then I’m no longer his Father?

A Reddit user shared a deeply emotional story about their strained relationship with their son after discovering they were not biologically related. After raising him for 22 years, the son grew close to his biological father and announced plans to change his last name,

prompting the user to issue an ultimatum: if the name change happens, they will no longer consider themselves his father. Read the full story below and decide if their stance is justified or too harsh.

‘ AITA for telling my son that if he changes his last name then I’m no longer his Father?’

Let me start off by saying my son, Adam, is 22 years old. Back when my ex wife, Tori, and I were trying for kids we found out that I was infertile. We decided we’d adopt then about 4 months later my ex wife is pregnant. I was thrilled because I thought maybe the doctor made a mistake.

No, I was wrong. My ex wife cheated on me and I didn’t find out until 20 years later. Tori told me 2 years ago that she cheated on me, and we did a paternity test to make sure and well he’s not my biological son. My ex and I divorced a few weeks later. Ever since my son found out the truth he wanted to meet his biological Father.

He did and they started to become really close. It hurt me much more than I thought it would. He’s an adult he can make his own decisions but it hurt really bad. They started to bond really well, and all of a sudden Adam became really distant from me. It’s been like this for almost a year and a half.

I try to text him to make plans for dinner and he said he’s busy with Chris (biological Father). I tried numerous times to connect with him by calling and texting but he never made plans aside from like a meal every other month. We used to do stuff every other week but it’s been completely different since he found out about Chris.

I couldn’t stand it. My son who I raised since he was a baby treated me like I didn’t matter. Any time we’d actually have plans he would still be cold and distant. What I mean by that is became much more defensive of his personal life. I’d ask him how classes or friends were and he’d just say they were fine but never go deeper than that.

He also changed his major from Econ to Computer Science and didn’t even mention it to me until a year later. I told him how much he was hurting me because of how distant he was and he apologized and said he’d do better. He never did. I told him numerous times and he never changed. He was still distant.

What was the final straw for me was the phone conversation I had with him last week. He said he was going to change his last name to Chris’ because he liked it so much and because they were close. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I told him this “I can’t believe you are going to do this. That’s really disappointing to me.

If you decide to change your last name go ahead but if you do that then I’m no longer your Father and I don’t want to be involved in your life.” He hung up on me. I didn’t even bother reaching out because I know he wouldn’t respond. I stand by what I said. I meant every word and still do.

The last name change to me means he no longer views me as a Father and views Chris as his (despite the fact he’s 22). My family told me I’m being unreasonable meanwhile my best friends think it’s reasonable. I was told to post it here. So Reddit am I being an a**hole?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

beccah93 −  Kids don’t usually just stop talking to their parents for no reason. I am curious what INFO you are not including in this.

JungleBoyJeremy −  NTA- It’s a shame that your relationship deteriorated like that but he is an adult and clearly he is choosing Chris over you. I’m sure it been really tough on you since you were the one that raised him (and wow, your ex *sucks*) but you can’t force him into maintaining your father/son relationship.

Maybe after he grows up a bit and matures you guys can have some other kind of relationship. Sorry you got dealt such a s**tty hand, dude.

OneTwoWee000 −  How the f**k did your relationship with the son you raised deteriorate so bad in two years, that he has reached out to this other guy as a father figure and even want to take his name?. Your story doesn’t make sense.. INFO What was your relationship like with Adam growing up? Were you close or distant?

Over the years how did you treat his mom? Was the marriage loving or did he witness you making her upset? It’s possible he never felt a connection to you and when he realized his biological father was this other man he sought out the father/son dynamic he never had..

InsatiableForMemes −  This story makes my blood boil. A couple months ago there was a AITA about a man who found out that his child wasn’t his, and many of the comments called him an a**hole for wanting to “abandon” his child.

Now we have a situation where the child in question is “abandoning” his father for someone who he has barely known compared to the man that raised him. OP, in literal terms, you are not the father of this child. Apparently, your “son” doesn’t think so either, literal or not. NTA, and never apologize for your actions. Your ex-wife is a s**t person too

SinisterPixel −  NTA. Anyone saying otherwise needs a reality check. Look at the timeframes here. Adam isn’t having some kneejerk reaction to this anymore. This has been going on for **2 years**. Adam has been distancing himself for 2 years.

OP took 2 days to realise that something he believed for 20 years is a lie and you’re seriously going to call him an a**hole? You’re seriously going to say he should still love someone unconditionally who clearly doesn’t give a s**t about his feelings anymore?

Adam is an adult and damn well capable of understanding the ramifications of his actions. Adam threw out his dad’s 20 years of parenting because he found out his dad wasn’t his bio dad. Twist it however you want. That’s a fact. OP tried desperately to retain a father/son relationship but Adam decided he’d rather do that with Chris.

OP, if Adam is going to cut you out of his life, you need to bite the bullet and do the same. It’s going to hurt like a b**ch but it’s going to hurt less than chasing something you can’t reach for the rest of your life.

themusicguy2000 −  NTA – He clearly no longer considers you his father, this is just you agreeing. This isn’t a teenager who’s emotionally unstable either, 22 is old enough to make your own decisions and be held accountable for them

SadlyNick −  NTA. Adam is 22, not 13 – it’s time to start being grateful to patents and support them, at least emotionally. Since you had pretty good relationship, Adam is acting really strange and assholish.

Wolfenshroud −  NTA. Literally everyone except you is a major a**hole. You take two days off after learning the truth about a 20 year old lie which is more than reasonable. In return, your son chooses two cheaters (assuming Chris knew, which is likely) over his father that raised him for two decades.

You were not the one that cut ties with him, he did. You only made it official once it reached the boiling point with the name change. You did more than most people ever would to maintain your relationship, but in the end nothing can change if your son refuse to spend time with you.

You are totally justified in your stance and I can’t find your reaction even remotely close to being unreasonable like your family did. Stay strong man…

[Reddit User] −  NTA. You told your son he was hurting you by being distant yet he ignored you. Granted taking a 2 day break wasn’t the greatest thing for your relationship but I can see how you need it. Adam also is 22. He’s not 14. Sure his brain may not be fully developed but by 22 any adult should know shutting someone out of your life like that is hurtful.

makeshiftmarty −  INFO. Don’t mean to be offensive but it sounds like there’s more to the story. You find out your son isn’t really your son due to an affair- I have to assume s**t went down.

While your son certainly sounds like the a**hole from your story and very well could be- I wonder how a deep father/son connection you claim to have had could break so easily that he’s ready to change his name.