AITA for telling my son that him and his girlfriend’s responsibilities should not fall on me?

A Redditor shares a challenging situation with her adult son, Jae, who wants to move his girlfriend, Anais, into their apartment after she faces eviction. As a widow, she has provided a supportive home environment for her children, never charging them rent to help them save for their futures.

However, she recognizes that allowing a couple to live under her roof would require a change in household dynamics. After discussing rent and responsibilities, Jae becomes enraged at her new stance, leading to a tense standoff. To explore this family dilemma further, read the original story below.

‘ AITA for telling my son that him and his girlfriend’s responsibilities should not fall on me?’

I (42F) have two children. Suna (20F) and Jae (25M). I am a widow, and am fortunate enough to have a well paying job as well as my late husbands life insurance. Once my children started working, I have always told them that I wouldn’t ever ask them for rent, as I want them to save up for when they would either move out or if they would want to pursue higher education.

We live in a three bed room apartment for roughly $2200 a month. For further context, my daughter is a fairly independent person and cooks her own meals, takes care of her own laundry and even helps me around the house with the cleaning.

She even gives me about $200 biweekly just to help out. I cannot say the same for Jae, as I usually have to clean his room and do his laundry because he lets it pile up in the laundry room.

As for my meals and Jae’s, I only end up cooking for myself as my son usually eats out or eats at his girlfriends house. My son had recently asked if his girlfriend, Anais (23F) would be able to move in, as she’s being evicted due to some issues with her landlord.

Anais is a very sweet girl but we don’t interact much as she doesn’t come over too often. Her and Jae have been dating for about a year. I told him that his girlfriend moving in would undoubtedly change the rule I had set in place about charging rent.

This is because as a couple, they’d need to have some set responsibilities, just as they’d have if they would rent a room someplace else or move into an apartment. I told him rent would be $750 a month, how they split it is up to them.

I also let him know that they are more than welcome to use any of the groceries I buy, they can even request me to bring certain stuff home when I go to the market, but I will not be cooking for them.

I also let him know I would not be cleaning their room nor will I be in charge of doing their laundry. My son was enraged and started demanding why I am doing a sudden 180. I told him that he’s a grown man and these are things a couple should find a solution to.

I told him that he can either agree to these requests or him and Anais would have to find someplace else to live. He hasn’t spoken to me in three days. I understand why he feels like I might be unfair, since I did say I wouldn’t charge him rent, but adding an extra person to the household is an exception to that rule.

My daughter understands why her brother is upset but ultimately agrees with me in that I should not be the one to take up what should be their responsibilities.. AITA?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

ironchef8000 −  Definitely NTA. And I would be very, very careful about letting someone move in knowing they had been evicted from the last place.

jeremyism_ab −  NTA you should have stopped doing his laundry a long time ago. His dirty underwear can pile up in his room (which he also should have been cleaning himself for a long time) for all you should care.

It sounds as though he has no idea of how to adult, at 25. That’s bad news for Anais. You’d be doing her a big favour by giving her an unblemished view of how well he can take care of himself and things, which she probably isn’t getting currently. You shouldn’t do it for free though, and stick to your decision.

Disastrous-Nail-640 −  NTA. But stop enabling him. Stop cleaning for him. If he can’t keep it clean and you don’t like that, then he needs to move out.. He’s 22. Stop babying him. The entire reason he’s mad is because you’ve spent his entire life coddling him and cleaning up after him.

Silent-Total-9586 −  NTA – but why isn’t a 25 year old paying rent – and doing his own laundry???

Louiesnewmom −  NTA, don’t let her move in. I can see the big red flags already. You should also tell him that his maid is retiring forthwith, and start charging him rent! Your son will only get worse with age, just like the smell of cheese.

theferal1 −  NTA- For saying you’d charge rent but maybe for allowing a 25yo capable grown man to live at home and think being mothered how you do is actually acceptable or even normal.. There’s no way. I mean an adult who’s not capable sure but unless you left out a disability or something this is insane and he needs to learn to be an independent adult.

yhaensch −  Seriously? You are N T A for demanding that your son grows up.. BUT YTA for waiting all those years and basically now drop cleaning responsibilities on him, because now he has a gf to clean for him and do his laundry. You, lady, are sexist. You raised your kids in a sexist way.

-The daughter of course learned how to clean up after herself,

– Son not so much and you still did the laundry for a 25 yo. That poor girlfriend will have to do all the cleaning and cooking because you raised a son who cannot adult.

vongdong −  NTA. You’re right, he is a grown man. It’s shameful that he still needs his Mother to clean his room and clothes.

klaiskairos −  NTA! Your son is a grown ass man, you clearly have been coddling him a bit too much by cleaning his room, doing his laundry, cooking for him etc, and honestly he’s upset because it sounds like he was raised to feel e**itled.

I can’t help but notice the gender divide between the two as well, and it makes me think that you raised your son to think that as the first born/male everyone else would take care of him, but your daughter had to learn that she had to take care of herself.

I know that you can’t go back and reraise your son to be a better person, but it’s way past time that he learns that lesson. Honestly, you should make them pay rent and let him know that in a year, he will be expected to move out and start life on his own. That poor gf though is going to be in a terrible place when he inevitably starts trying to force her to do all the things you have been doing.

GoodQueenFluffenChop −  Ma’am your son is a spoiled b**t. Why are having to clean up a 25 year old man’s bedroom and doing his laundry? Let his room get messy and let his laundry pile up and suffer the consequences of a disgusting room and no clean clothes to wear.

By the time I reached double digits, 10 years old, I was expected to keep my room clean or face a long ass lecture about cleanliness. That was enough to keep my room clean. The only time my mom has done my laundry as an adult is when I’ve been too sick to get out of bed and it was a kindness to her sick daughter.

You’re NTA over this situation with the conditions you’ve put on for his girlfriend moving in. Y T A over how you’ve been babying Jae who again is a grown ass man. He should be embarrassed that mommy still cleans his room. He’s literally throwing a childish tantrum because he isn’t getting rent free housing with a built in maid and chef.

Do you think the user was justified in changing her rules regarding rent and responsibilities with the addition of her son’s girlfriend, or should she have maintained her original stance? How would you handle a similar situation with adult children wanting to bring their partners into your home? Share your thoughts in the comments below!