AITA for telling my sister there’s a reason her kids chose to live with their dad?

A Reddit user shared an awkward encounter with her sister after discussing her daughter’s first date. The Redditor, who has a close relationship with her daughter, allowed her to go out with a boy from school, something her sister strongly disagreed with.

The sister, who has two teenage kids living with their dad after a messy divorce, criticized the Redditor’s parenting style, leading her to respond harshly by pointing out that her sister’s kids chose to live with their father due to her overbearing control. Curious how this conversation unfolded? Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for telling my sister there’s a reason her kids chose to live with their dad?’

I (32F) have a 14 year old daughter Jess. Her father and my husband died in an accident when she was young, so it’s been just us two for a long time. As a result we are very close and she’s a lot more open to me then most kids are with their parents. Around a week ago she asked me if I could take her to the movies on a date with a guy in her class.

I know the guy distantly because they’ve done some extra curriculars together and I was thrilled he was my daughters first ‘boyfriend’. I took them a few days ago and they ended up hanging out at our house for a bit afterwards. He was extremely polite and maybe it’s just the mum inside me but I couldn’t be happier for her.

I went to my older sisters house for coffee earlier this morning. Backstory, my sister has two teenagers (16 and 17), who live almost full time with their dad. They had a very messy divorce around three years ago, and both kids choose to live with their dad. The reason for this was because my sister was extremely over bearing on them.

She was the kind of mum who believed kids should have no privacy and she should run their lives until they were adults. I know she had many arguments with them because she would take away their doors, not let them hang out with friends, search through their phones every night etc.

This was the primary reason for her divorce, although she won’t admit that. While I love her, as someone who grew up with little privacy I fully understand why her kids don’t want to live with her. My daughter came up in conversation and so bought up her first date. When I explained how it went, my sister laughed and told me that I must be joking.

When she realised I was serious, she told me I was a terrible mother for letting my daughter walk all over me and not setting boundaries. She ranted on for a while but she basically said that 14 year olds are incapable of going out themselves and that I was being lazy and neglectful by allowing her to do that.

She also said ‘I would never allow my kids to do that,’ so I replied by saying ‘That’s exactly why your kids drive with their dad.’ She got very quiet and then told me to leave. When I got home I started thinking more about what I said and while at the time I thought I was simply telling her what she needed to hear, now I’m wondering if I crossed the line.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

invomitous-rex −  NTA. A hit dog hollers. She was only upset by what you said because deep down she knows it’s the truth, and doesn’t want to admit it to herself or anyone else.

sinvessel −  NTA, your sister thinks “holding boundaries” is the same thing as “making demands”, and she’ll eventually learn that her children aren’t accessories to treat as she wishes without consequence.

azariasin −  NTA. She knows it’s true so she’s assmad over it. But wait…did you just say she TOOK AWAY DOORS to monitor her kids at all times????Like…off the hinges and everything?
😂😂😂 I’m sorry I laughed a little, only because that sounds comical or straight out of a g**damn cartoon.

She sounds absolutely ridiculous and I’m glad the kids are with the dad. She should be the last to be talking about anyone else’s parenting when she’s pushed her own kids b/c of her bitterness. It reminds me of that one Ed, Edd and Eddy episode where Ed got grounded and his parents took away the stairs 💀💀💀 (“WHAT HAPPENED TO THE STAIRS???”). 

Stranger0nReddit −  NTA. She opened things up to such a comment when she decided it was okay for *her* to criticize *your* parenting. She just doesn’t want to hear the truth and would rather think she is a flawless parent despite the evidence. What you said might have hit her where it hurts, but again, she set herself up for that by attacking your parenting choices

VoltesVoltron −  NTA – your sister judged you rudely and harshly as a parent. She put herself up to be the paragon of motherhood compared to you. It is more than fair to stand up for yourself. Its actually funny that she didn’t consider that you could throw much more back in her face but, if she was more introspective, she might still be married. She started the fight and you finished it.

Here’s the other thing; she isn’t going to be happy with you anytime soon but it might actually spark something in her regarding how she has treated her kids. There could be something positive for them down the road. She first has to acknowledge she was a terrible parent

Radio_Caroline79 −  NTA. You are providing your child with a safe environment in which she can grow and explore. Your sister is the posterchild of helicopter parents. I applaud her kids for choosing to live with her dad. Good on you for telling your sister like it is.

Pleasant-Koala147 −  Your sister has a fundamental misunderstanding of what boundaries are. Boundaries define the limits of acceptable behaviour with a given person or within a given situation. There’re not a stick to wield in order to force others into submission.

An individual’s boundaries are non-negotiable and should be respected. The boundaries of acceptable behaviour within a situation can (and should with young people explicitly) be negotiated by those within the situation, and if done well can help to reinforce individual boundaries and develop a young person’s sense of agency.

As an example, your daughter just started dating, so now would be a good time to sit down and have the big talk with her. Help her flesh out what she feels comfortable with, what personal boundaries she wants to set and how the boundaries of this situation can reinforce these. For example, your daughter may not be ready to have s**.

Setting a boundary that her bedroom door must be open when boyfriend is over can help her enforce this: “We can’t close the door because my mum will ground me” can be a lot less intimidating for a young person than “I’m not ready to do this yet”. It can empower her to learn to say no and hold her boundaries in a safe way.

What your sister did was not setting boundaries. In fact, it sounds like she regularly violated her children’s boundaries and denied them agency over their own lives. Was what you said harsh? Yes. Was it an appropriate response to the conversation your sister started? Yes. NTA. Your sister needs to learn what a boundary is before she lectures others.

coppeliuseyes −  NTA. Could you have said it a little more kindly? Perhaps. But it’s the truth and she needed to hear it.

No_Load1682 −  Nta that’s a dose of reality

barnutgandreea −  NTA. Maybe you were right on the borderline, but she clearly crossed it when she interfered with your decisions and parenting. Furthermore, from experience, having a real close connection with your mom to the point of considering her your best friend and being granted my independence from a young age has only brought me joy and fulfillment in life.

Do you think the Redditor was justified in pointing out why her sister’s kids chose to live with their dad, or did she cross the line? How would you handle a disagreement about parenting styles with a family member? Share your thoughts below!