AITA for telling my sister that I can’t go to her wedding without my son?
A Redditor shared a dilemma about her sister’s wedding, which has a strict no-children policy. Despite months of planning and financial sacrifices, the Redditor had to decline her maid-of-honor role when she realized she couldn’t leave her 5-year-old son behind due to lack of childcare options.
Her sister didn’t take the news well and has been sending angry messages, accusing her of being selfish. Read the full story below.
‘ AITA for telling my sister that I can’t go to her wedding without my son?’
I (24, f) have a five-year-old son named Sam. I had my son at a very young age, as did his father, John, with whom I have a healthy relationship to this day. John is American, I am not, so we got married when I got pregnant so we could all live here in the US.
My family was not happy with my pregnancy and pretty much shut me out of their lives. John’s parents very happily accepted me, but they are very old, and all the responsibility of caring for Sam falls on us, which means no nights off, no frequent dates, and nothing that generally can’t involve Sam.
The responsibility falls especially on me since I take care of the household while John works long shifts. Six months ago, my mother called me to tell me that my sister was getting married. During a video call, my sister asked me to be her maid of honor, which I excitedly accepted.
However, when I received the invitation, problems arose. The wedding was to be in my country, and each guest was required to cover their own travel, lodging, and clothing expenses. John offered to work overtime so that Sam and I could go, and after months of extra work, I managed to buy a nice dress and book a simple hotel room.
A month before the wedding, I called my sister to confirm our attendance, and that’s when she informed me that children were not allowed at the ceremony. I told her that wasn’t specified on the invitation (it literally wasn’t written anywhere on the invitation) and she said she hoped everyone would just take that for granted.
I explained that I didn’t have anyone to leave Sam with, and reminded her of our financial situation, and she suggested leaving him with John or hire a nanny. John works long shifts, and we don’t have the budget for a nanny for so many days just for a wedding.
She compared the situation to when I hired a nanny during my father’s hospitalization, which seemed pretty stupid to me since it was a medical emergency and not a social event. After an argument, I told her that I would have to decline my role as bridesmaid since I couldn’t leave my son.
I want to clarify that I never asked her to make an exception for Sam (because I understand that weddings are not places for children, lol, I’m not an i**ot just a person who doesn’t take things for granted), I just wanted her to understand my situation AFTER I told her I couldn’t go.
She called me s**fish and mentioned that she had already paid for my place in the wedding. I offered to reimburse her with the money for the dress, but she just hung up.
Now there are two weeks left until the wedding but I keep getting messages from her, calls to insult me and emails arguing that since I live in the US I should have enough money for a babysitter, wich at least in my opinion is totally ridiculous.
I got the money back for the dress and the hotel, and I plan to give it back to John unless my sister claims it to cover the wedding expenses, but if she doesn’t… well, I don’t know if I should offer it to her again.
See what others had to share with OP:
Bouche_Audi_Shyla − It would have been perfectly fine for the sister to not want her very young nephew at the ceremony. However, she should have looked for a babysitter for the day, and welcomed nephew for the visit. OP couldn’t do that from another country.
Sister is not someone I would travel so far and spend so much money to support. OP, give the money back to your husband. Are there any household expenses coming up? The fridge working well? Roof’s good?
How’s the car? Is there something you two want that’s too much for regular bills? Do you want to save the money for an emergency? Start a college fund for your son? Much better than wasting the money to see someone who just wants to be mean.
Downtown-Kangaroo162 − I’m gonna be real. I don’t think the wedding is actually child free. I think based on the fact OP’s family shut her out when she got pregnant and are just know opening lines of communication that there’s something going on. Like they’re trying to trap OP in the home country away from her child and spouse. Idk.
I vaguely remember seeing a post way back about someone who’s family tried luring them to the home country to force them to marry someone the family had picked. I’m not saying that’s what is going on, but something is definitely off imo. Definitely NTA. Stay home.
nemorolls123 − NTA. A wedding invite without clear conditions is like a recipe without instructions chaos is bound to ensue. Expecting guests, especially those traveling internationally, to automatically know that children aren’t welcome is a bit of a stretch.
Your sister’s failure to communicate effectively isn’t your fault. You’ve done what you can to be supportive and offered solutions post-discovery of the ‘no kids’ rule.
It’s not s**fish to prioritize your child’s well-being and your family’s financial situation over a wedding. If offering the dress and hotel refund money back eases your mind, do so, but your sister’s response, or lack thereof, is on her.
RaineMist − NTA. If it was supposed to be a child free wedding, that should have been said in the invitation. She can’t expect everyone to know it’s child free without informing her guests.
corgihuntress − She sounds m**ipulative and toxic and highly unsympathetic. Saying you can’t be there, offering to reimburse, those things were all good to do. That she dropped the bomb on you so late in the game was deliberate.
To call you names and demand you lay out money you don’t have is simply not something that you can do and you can’t feel guilty for it. You offered the money, she refused, you don’t need to give it to her. I would block her for awhile, or stop reading anything she sends. NTA
Big_Metal2470 − NTA. I don’t know where you’re from originally but many immigrants talk about how their families in their home countries think that everyone in the US is super wealthy due to a poor understanding of purchasing power parity.
You might have to explain that the cost of living here is very high and may even need to prove it. That’s if you want to bother. She sounds pretty awful
forgetregret1day − How did your sister expect you to just know children weren’t welcome at the wedding if it wasn’t on the invitation and she didn’t use her big girl words and say so while you were making plans?
You’re not a mind reader, I presume, and if you were going back to your home country you likely assumed your son was not only welcome, but as part of the family, would he someone your family wanted there.
It sounds like your sister is a little jealous that you live in the US – if she only knew the realities she might feel differently, but at any rate, you tried your best, her poor communication skills left you with no choice but to step away and she has no one to blame but herself. NTA.
LowBalance4404 − Info: If you bought your own dress why would you offer to reimburse her for a dress you bought? I’m assuming this is in Mexico because you said you didn’t need to fly internationally. This sounds so fake.
Intrepid_Upstairs479 − You’re NTA. Your sister’s being unreasonable. It’s not your fault that you can’t just drop your kid off somewhere. She’s expecting way too much, especially after everything you’ve been through. Don’t let her guilt trip you. Prioritize your son.
Mooshu1981 − NTA. She should have told you the second you agreed to the bridal party. Her decision to have a child free wedding also means people with children are allowed to say no.
Child free needs to be specified on invitations. I do have a question has she ever met your nephew? Has she ever put an effort in to know him? I am wondering if she is worried about him stealing the limelight?
Do you think the Redditor made the right decision prioritizing her responsibilities as a mother, or should she have tried harder to attend her sister’s wedding? How would you handle a family conflict like this? Share your opinions below!
