AITA for telling my sister that her boyfriend isn’t allowed at my wedding?
A bride-to-be, 29, has strained relations with her sister, 23, due to her relationship with a significantly older boyfriend. When sending out wedding invitations, the bride excluded her sister’s boyfriend, feeling he would be a distraction.
This decision led to a heated argument, with the sister accusing her of being callous and ageist. The bride stands firm, insisting it’s her wedding and she has the right to choose the guest list. They haven’t spoken since, and she feels conflicted about her choice. Read the original story below…
‘ AITA for telling my sister that her boyfriend isn’t allowed at my wedding?’
In a few months, I (F29) will be getting married to my fiancee Jason (M32) who is the love of my life. We have a date, a venue and a theme ready and the next step was to send out invitations.
For some more context, my relationship with my sister Harriet (F23) has been strained over the last few months because of her relationship with her boyfriend Anthony (M51). I vocally disapproved of her relationship from the get-go because of the age gap, reasoning that Anthony is taking advantage of her.
However, my pleas have largely fallen on deaf ears, as Harriet’s continued to date Anthony and insists that the two of them are in love. Anyway, when Jason and I were mailing out invitations, we sent one to Harriet but made sure that she didn’t have a +1, because I don’t want Anthony at my wedding since a) I don’t like him and b) he’ll be a distraction.
When Harriet found out, she called me absolutely livid and tore into me for being “callous” and “ageist.” I countered by saying that it was my wedding and that I had full discretion over who was and wasn’t allowed to come and that was that, and that she could either come by herself or not come at all.
Harriet and I haven’t spoken since then and I feel a little guilty about this, but at the same time I feel like I’m making the right choice.
See what others had to share with OP:
Parking_Librarian926 − Nta. But I’d be REALLY careful to not say it’s because you’re only offering plus ones to serious couples as this progresses. That’s a recipe for a Vegas wedding and her doing an impromptu wedding speech to announce it waiting to happen
fizzbangwhiz − INFO: Are you interested in trying to maintain a good relationship with your sister? Or are you willing to let this be a breaking point and permanently damage your relationship? If you deliver an ultimatum like “come alone or don’t come at all” you need to be ready to follow through.
I kind of get the vibe that you don’t really think she’s going to call your bluff. But what if she does? How are you *really* going to feel if your sister doesn’t attend your wedding? What would the next step be in your relationship? How would your other family members react?
Would you all be able to gather for Christmas or whatever after this or are people going to take sides and be divided? Is all of that really an outcome you are happy to accept?
If you don’t actually want to risk losing your sister entirely, just give in and let him come. You’ll be busy with all your other wedding guests and you will be able to avoid him very easily.
Flat_Bathroom249 − NTA just because it’s your wedding, if someone being there makes you uncomfortable for whatever reason then so be it . As long as you accept your sister may not be there
blugirlami21 − YTA. As someone whose sister has dated a much older man, this is not how you fix it. Unless he is hurting her, you have to let her make her own decisions since she is an adult and you need to respect that.
The relationship will either endure or fizzle out on its own but will your sister still be in your life afterwards? If he is hurting her in some way, you will want to be a soft place for her to land. Choose your actions wisely.
MyPath2Follow − YTA. The age gap is large, but your sister is an adult and you’re using your wedding as a way to try and pick at her/control her. You’re absolutely allowed to decide who comes and who doesn’t, but in this situation you’re doing it at the possibility of costing yourself your relationship with your sister.
I know if MY sister constantly badgered me about my spouse, I’d go NC.. Is this a hill worth dying on?
Cosmicdusterian − NTA. Your wedding, your guest list. But you do realize that you are driving her further into his arms and away from you every time you criticize or do something like, say, exclude him, right? If he is actually taking advantage, you are doing nothing to allow her to see that by keeping her on the defensive about him.
Quite the opposite. OTOH, it’s possible they are both getting something out of the relationship, as she has stated. At 23, she’s not a child. There are couples with similar age gaps who have had long, successful relationships and bad ones just like every other age pairing.
Been on the planet long enough to see both scenarios play out when there is a considerable age gap. But, you invite who you want to your wedding. Without a +1, I wouldn’t count on your sister showing up. Up to you if you can accept that in 5, 10, 20 years, whether they stay together, or not.
SuperEmo42 − INFO: Why do you not like him? Is it just the age difference, or does he seem edgy to you? Although, at the end of the day, it is your wedding, so all invitations are up you. I would consider the impact this lack of invitation may have on your sister’s relationship with her boyfriend, or even with you. Cheers!
HB000008 − You’ve played this so wrong, OP, and for that, YTA. You could have quite easily maintained your relationship with your sister by not making a fuss – give her a plus one but have her in your wedding party so she’s seated with other bridesmaids and groomsmen.
Have her plus one seated with other family ie aunts, uncles, cousins. As she’s in the wedding party, she’ll be in photos that he’s not. She’ll be getting ready with you, spending most of her time with you and the rest of the party.
If he really wants to come, he’d only be in a few group photos, could be seated at a distance, and honestly it’s your wedding – you’ll be busy and happy so how much of a distraction would he really be?? YTA for not thinking long term over this and making it a drama.
Is losing your relationship with your sister really more important than having one guest there that you don’t care for? Because that’s what you’re saying, especially giving her an ultimatum.
Dashqu − YTA. Not for not inviting someone to your wedding, but because of the reason. The only thing you dont like is the age gap. You give no other reason than just that. Its not your job to police your sisters relationships. You dont mention anything about him that could be red flags, other than the age.
Is he rude, controlling, anything about his actual character that you dislike? Anything? Because if its just the age, you are shortsighted. Also, how will he be a distraction? Im sure there will be other people at the wedding who are in their fifties. Again, you dont give ANY reasons.
MyFaceSaysItsSugar − INFO: why don’t you like him and why is he distracting? Is he loud, disrespectful, obnoxious, harassing to others, gets overly drunk or anything along those lines? So far age is the only reason you dislike him and 51 year old people are perfectly capable of being respectful at an event.
There needs to be some aspect of his behavior that merits your dislike in order for it to be ok to cancel your sister’s +1.
Was she justified in her decision, or should family bonds take precedence? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!