AITA for telling my sister in law (26F) to do the opposite of what my mom gives her advice on?
A woman advised her sister-in-law (26F) to avoid following her mom’s advice because, while sweet, her mom has had a privileged, sheltered life with little real-world experience. Despite the warning, the sister-in-law sought advice anyway and was told to prioritize motherhood over her career.
When it came out that this caution was given, the mom became upset with her daughter for her comments. Now, the woman feels guilty for hurting her mom but believes the warning was justified. read the original story below…
‘ AITA for telling my sister in law (26F) to do the opposite of what my mom gives her advice on?’
My mom is a very sweet woman, but she’s never had to deal with any real difficulty in her life, bless her soul. She had a very sheltered and privileged upbringing, went to college to have fun (the intellectual kind), and promptly got married to my dad.
They have a traditional family style where he makes all the money and household decisions, and she does upper crust housewife things. So while she’s my mom and I love her, she’s the last person my brother, sister, and I go to advice for anything other than social networking, since she’s very good at that.
I know it sounds mean but she’s never worked any job, she’s been in one relationship her entire life, and they have enough money to make problems go away. Any advice she gives is the most surface level stuff that we already thought of, and she doesn’t know enough to know that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
My brother and his wife (my sister in law) have been having some problems in their marriage about when to have kids. My brother doesn’t like the idea of being a super old dad and wants it to be now. My SIL has a good thing going with her career and wants to wait some years.
She’s only 26 so it’s not like the clock is ticking particularly loud at this point. My sister and I are close with our SIL so she floated the idea of asking my mom for advice to me, since in her view, my mom raised 3 kids that turned out ok and she likes.
I explained to her why my mom’s bad at giving advice and that I’d found more success doing the opposite of what she says. Well my SIL talked to my mom anyway and let it slip that I said all of that.
And yes, my SIL did acknowledge that she received horrible advice about how no mothers care about their career once their first child is born so she might as well get started early or something.
Anyway, my mom is mad at me for saying all of that, and I feel bad for hurting her feelings. At the same time, though, I think it was worth mentioning because I think it’d be pretty jarring to receive advice like that on such a sensitive topic with no warning. AITA?
See what others had to share with OP:
diminishingpatience − NTA. I feel bad for hurting her feelings. You didn’t: SIL did. my SIL talked to my mom anyway and let it slip that I said all of that.
This isn’t something that just slips out. There was no good reason for her to report what you’d said. You were trying to help her, possibly for the last time.
Revolutionary-Dryad − NTA, but don’t trust your SIL with anything confidential again.
bizianka − NTA, but your SIL didn’t slip. Whatever her intentions are, keep it in mind for future conversations.
swillshop − NTA Caution with being frank with your SIL going forward. Either she doesn’t think before she speaks or she knows full well what she says and intentionally says it. Neither is good. I’m sure your mom’s feelings were hurt. You were not the one who hurt them; SIL was.
But if you love your mom, you can speak with her honestly to get past this. Tell her that there is so much you love about her but you don’t agree with her perspectives on addressing career (or money) issues. You might want to be prepared to list something (meaningful) that you would go to her for advice (e.g., dealing with in-laws or resolving a conflict with a friend).
You used the polite put-down of the South (bless her soul), so I’m not sure if you do respect her. If not, then you might want to re-examine your own perspective. But you were not an ahole for giving your honest assessment of going to her for advice on balancing career and family.
Crash_Stamp − Sil is a snitch.
spidermanraffie − NTA. You gave honest advice to your SIL based on experience. It’s unfortunate your mom is upset, but protecting your SIL from unhelpful advice was important.
Visible-Steak-7492 − Well my SIL talked to my mom anyway and let it slip that I said all of that. there’s no way “your daughter told me not to take your advice” would EVER come up naturally in a conversation like that, so no, she most definitely didn’t “let it slip”. idk how malicious her intentions were there but i’d definitely never share anything sensitive with her.. NTA
LadyWiezeI − SIL is not as close to you as you think. Something like that doesn’t just slip. I’d have my guard up from now on. Also NTA
Last-Butterscotch-68 − Damn you got thrown straight under the bus. NTA. SIL might be another one to avoid exchanging advice with if she can’t/won’t keep your confidence/be discrete.
Did the woman’s honesty go too far, or was it necessary? Share your thoughts below!