AITA for telling my SIL that I don’t care that her baby died and to leave me alone?

A Reddit user recounts a heartbreaking falling-out with her sister-in-law (SIL), Daisy, who suffered years of infertility struggles and tragic losses. Despite being a strong emotional and financial support for Daisy, things took a turn when the user got pregnant, and Daisy cut her off completely.

After losing both her husband and her baby, the user moved on, focusing on her own happiness. Recently, Daisy reached out after facing another devastating loss, but the user coldly rejected her plea for help, saying she doesn’t care about Daisy or her life anymore. The harsh words have sparked backlash from Daisy and mixed reactions from others. Is the user justified in her response, or did she cross the line? Read the story below.

‘ AITA for telling my SIL that I don’t care that her baby died and to leave me alone?’

Me and SIL, Daisy, have been friends since High School (15 years ago). I started dating her brother, Dan, when we were all in college. Daisy married Matt sometime after I married Dan 10 years ago.

Matt and Daisy wanted a baby and starting trying right after marriage but they were having a lot of trouble. I am talking multiple failed IVF’s, multiple late term miscarriages (one of which was a stillbirth). The struggle went on for for 7 years.

I have helped her immensely through everything, financially and emotionally. Matt is… unsympathetic sometimes. He behaves as if it’s a batch of bad cookies and immediately guilts her into trying again. So, it always was up me and Dan to take care of her. Despite many talks from me and Dan, she remained married to him and kept trying again and again.

We have had many offers to leave the state/country for a better job, but didn’t because we were scared to leave her alone. 3 years ago, I got pregnant. We broke the new gently to Daisy one day. She got real quiet and then asked us to leave. Later, she sent me an email saying she doesn’t want to see me or Dan anymore and that this is all too much.

We tried to console her but didn’t work, so gave her space. 2 weeks before I was supposed to give birth, Dan passed away in an accident. I don’t have any family except for Dan and Daisy. Daisy refused to attend the funeral because she will have to see me. The day before the funeral and I called her and begged her to come.

I didn’t think that I would be able to go through that without her. She hung up on me and didn’t attend the service. Soon after that, I gave birth and I decided to move to another state. I cut off all contact with Daisy and started fresh. Now, me and my daughter are very happy and we are enjoying a comfortable life. She attempted to contact me once I moved away but I ignored her.

2 weeks ago, she called from an unknown number and said she desperately wanted to talk to me. Turns out she finally got pregnant, had a baby boy who passed away 5 days after being born in NICU. Matt is also leaving her and screwed her over because of the prenup. She is basically broke and homeless days after losing a child. I just said “Ok”.

She then asked “Are you really not going to say anything? You are really not going to help?” I pretty much said, “I don’t care about you. I don’t care about your life. I don’t care about Matt. I don’t care that your baby died. Just leave me and my daughter alone.” and then hung up.

Since then she has been sending me multiple emails and vm’s stating how awful I am and how heartless and how much Dan would be disappointed. I continued to just ignore everything.. So, AITA?.

Edit: Please don’t DM me about leaving a person homeless during pandemic. I am already aware of the fact. I don’t care. No matter what anyone says I am not going to have any sympathy or help her in any way. I am only asking for a judgement on what I said and how I said it.

Edit 2: I am getting a lot of annoying DM’s because someone cross posted this somewhere else. Please stop.

Edit 3: Please stop giving me unsolicited advise regarding changing my mind about helping her. That’s not going to happen. If I wanted advice, I would have posted it in relationship_advice, not here. I only asked you to judge what I said to her and how I said it. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR ADVICE. So, please stop.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

HygorBohmHubner −  It was very harsh what you said, but I’m going with NTA. I might get s**t on for this, but while I think it was a very harsh comment, she deserved to receive it based on her attitude towards you.

You’ve been helping her for years, even tried to leave her abusive relationship, but she was (stupidly) stubborn and stuck with him, and despite all of her struggles to give birth, she should’ve been at least 1% happy for you, but instead, she cuts you off, and I know that she had the right to feel somewhat upset and jealous, but her reaction was way uncalled for, and she even refuses to attend her own brother’s funeral just because you’d be there.

After everything you did for her, she drops you because you managed to have something she couldn’t, and treats you like an enemy, despite you trying as gently as possible to share your happiness with her. She saw how your life was turned upside down from your SO’s death, and she refuses to even show the slightest sign of sympathy.

Now that *HER* life was turned upside down, she wants your support? She wants you to be her rock? She wants you to comfort her? Sorry, but I’ll be blunt: F**k. That! She made her bed years earlier, and while I do feel sorry for her baby’s death, you were right about one thing: You cut her out of her life, and you don’t need to care about her life or her baby. Note, I said CARE ABOUT IT.

If had mocked or insulted her dead infant, then you’d be an even bigger AH than she ever was, but seeing as you never said anything negative, only saying you have no feelings on the matter, you were pretty straightfoward.

I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry you lost your SO and a friend, but don’t let her guilt you into anything, and most of all, bringing your deceased SO (HER BROTHER) into the conversation to try and get to you is the lowest of blows. She can never take that back, and It’s a very hard thing to forgive.

I don’t really think she was ever your friend, because let me share something with you. Real friends are the ones who stick by you during your darkest days, and have the guts to call you out on negative behaviors and actions, because they want the best for you. If you have people who only hang with you during your best, but not your worst, then they’re not really your friends.

I don’t know if there was ever any moment she stuck with you during a dark time in your life, but based on this, she abandoned you when you needed a friend the most. Sorry for the long comment, but I got so caught up in this story, it literally made me angry. At least you have your daughter, so in a way, Dan’s presence will always be with you. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck on both of your futures.

Ok-Mode-2038 −  NTA. You cut contact for a perfectly valid reason. After years and years of being there, when you needed her most, she showed you what kind of “friend” she really is. It was a one-way street with her. And when it didn’t revolve around her, and you needed support, she bailed.

The only reason she even reached out to you was because she wanted something. There was no apology or recognizing that she was horrible to you. In the end, you recognized it for what it was: an unhealthy, toxic relationship. Keep Daisy out of your life. I’m sorry for your loss, and wish you and your daughter nothing but happiness.

Mystery_Substance −  Daisy sounds like all she does is take take take. She needs someone emotionally but she doesn’t seem to give back which I understand is harsh but she was the one who reached out to you after you cut her off.

It was rather harsh what you said but this is the result of years of Daisy’s behaviour and her abandoning you when you needed her the most (Dan’s funeral). She only called you up again when she needed something. Turns out that she can deal with you and your baby if it means she won’t be homeless as a result. I’m also a bit concerned about her being around your baby if she just lost one.. NTA.

fractaldawn −  ESH. You’re definitely hugely wronged by them. Wouldn’t come to her brother’s *funeral* because you were pregnant? The actual f**k. She did not comfort you, you are under no obligation to comfort her.. *THAT SAID*

Saying “I don’t care that your baby died” is… too much. Just sticking with “I’m sorry for your loss but I can’t help you with this [and possibly, if you’re feeling aggro, adding that in light of your difficult relationship around Dan’s death, you don’t feel you could help her fairly].” I know you can’t erase that, but you can say that moving forward. Heck, even “I spoke cruelly in the heat of the moment, but I am not the person who can best serve to comfort you in this time, please do not contact me asking for this again” is both true and kind.

But yeah, my friendly dude, it was kinda s**tty to say “I don’t care your baby died.” Bit far. But don’t be too hard on yourself, there’s a lot of trauma and grief. Just hold yourself accountable with a sincere apology without moving your boundaries even a *millimeter*.. Best to you and your kid!

EDIT: I don’t have time to respond to everyone, full schedule today, so: Look, y’all, it’s not about whether or not it’s honest, whether or not she deserves to be that brutally honest–which I think she does, frankly–but it’s a point of basic humanity that losing a child is one of the most traumatic things and however much we deserve to be… don’t be cruel. Maybe don’t say I’m sorry, I think *do* say sorry for a totally unnecessary cruelty.

It’s not lying. It’s choosing not to add a particularly needless pain. “I do not care about you, go away” suffices. It is brutal. It is honest. It is slamming the door. It’s totally warranted and OP deserves to be that unyielding. Apologizing for the needless cruelty, *to anyone, no matter who they are*, is graceful, and should be said. Just… don’t be cruel. Okay? That’s my feeling.

EDIT 2: I also want to be clear: Daisy has a tooooon of work to do to not be an a**hole, apparently. She needs to do it on her own, away from OP. If I were OP, I’d apologize for the salt-in-the wound extra cruelty, no need to be an a**hole in the moment. But, OP, no sweat; just move on. You’re not the a**hole for just moving on. You deserve to leave this behind! AH in the moment, not AH in life. Huge difference. 🙂

zh_13 −  NTA Everyone commenting YTA seem to think that the extreme wording you used “I don’t care that your baby died” is too harsh or heartless, but I don’t think you meant it in the way that “I don’t care an innocent life has left this world.” Whenever a child dies, even a stranger’s child, I like to think that the majority of us – including you – would care.

However, when you said it, you prefaced with things like, “I don’t care about you. I don’t care about your life…” To me, it seems like you were telling her that I don’t care that your baby has passed away anymore than I care about any tragedy that has happened.

You should not expect anything from me that you would not from a stranger on the street, which is very fair based on what she has done – basically treating you like a stranger despite the very real tragedy that you have suffered.

Please don’t let the people on here make you feel horrible about what you said. If someone who has treated you like a stranger when someone close to you passed away ask for your support when they go through the exact same thing, you are allowed to treat them like a stranger too. I may get a lot of hate for this, but children die around the world everyday.

I doubt that most people in this thread are out here caring deeply about every single child of every stranger on this planet who has passed away. We would never stop mourning if we do. And this woman is now to you effectively a stranger. You can care and you can feel sad, as many of us do even by reading your post, but you do not have to care like she is asking you to care.

saintgermaunt −  NTA. She wasnt there for you, when you needed her the most. Now she can f herself and live under a bridge or something. Change your number and email

Tiffany_Case −  NTA. Were you mean?? For sure. Did she deserve it?? Absolutely. It seems like friendship is a oneway street with her so let her only go one way-away from you.

bishkebab −  ESH. She didn’t deserve anything from you after the way she abandoned you when you needed her and cut you out of her life. But explicitly saying the phrase “I don’t care that your baby died” to someone is horrendous. You could have ended that conversation without ever having to say that.

Lunaliii −  Feels like an unnecessarily harsh thing to say but not enough to change my verdict. NTA. She cut you out of her life, not the other way round, this situation is on her.

itsmemeowmeow −  ESH. You were an a**hole to her (“I don’t care about your dead baby” is never not an a**hole thing to say) for a very valid reason, but this forum isn’t “Am I Justified in Being an A**hole”. I hope you & your daughter are doing well.

Do you think the user was justified in cutting Daisy off after everything that happened, or did her response go too far? Can grief and betrayal push someone to a breaking point where empathy is no longer possible? Share your thoughts in the comments — we’d love to hear your perspective on when forgiveness becomes impossible.