AITA for telling my partner that his friend was rude to me at his birthday?

A Reddit user shares a difficult experience from her partner’s birthday dinner, where one of his friends insulted her for not paying her share, even though her partner had happily offered to cover it. She took care of her partner through a serious health journey and only recently returned to work. Now, she’s wondering if she was wrong for telling her partner about the friend’s hurtful comments, which ultimately led to a serious fallout.

‘ AITA for telling my partner that his friend was rude to me at his birthday?’

For some background, I (28F) quit working six months ago when my partner (who we’ll call Jack, 32m) was diagnosed with multiple serious health issues. I took a CNA course, so I had the medical knowledge to help him make all of the necessary lifestyle changes, medication routines, etc.

For those six months, I took care of him by helping with his appointments and medical care, taking care of his diet by cooking appropriate meals, keeping the house clean- basically I just wanted him to focus on recovering and his work- he loves his job, and it is crucial to the company he works for, whereas I could quit and get another job anytime, anywhere.

Even though I could have lived on savings, Jack insisted on supporting me financially during those six months, and he did so happily. Now we have come to a time where his conditions are much more managed, symptoms are milder, and I’m ready to go back to work.

I’ve been working for a week, but have yet to receive my first paycheck. Jack’s birthday was yesterday, and since he woke up, I spoiled him with little gifts, baked his favourite cake, made arrangements for him to hang out with his friends all day- we love spoiling one another to the extent that we can!

Last night it all culminated with a dinner at a fairly high priced establishment. I was iffy about going due to my finances until Jack said he was happy to pay, and that he understood that I didn’t have much fun money until I was paid. Of course I decided to go!

We met some of our friends there, had a wonderful time, and each got our portion of the bill (where I live, everyone generally just pays for their own portion of the tab- we don’t equally split checks). A friend grabbed my partner’s and went to the desk to pay for both my partner and himself, but my partner was close behind him with my bill.

After he’d left earshot, another friend (who we’ll call Steve) said, “wow. You’re really going to make him pay for you at his own birthday?” I asked him what he meant by that, and he said, “Come on. He’s been paying for everything for you for months. He even pays for you on his own birthday. You’re the definition of a gold digger.”

I felt crushed that such a good friend would think that of me, and excused myself to cry a little in the bathroom. I collected myself and rejoined the group as they were saying their goodbyes. I didn’t want to ruin the night, so I said nothing at the time.

The next morning, I decided to tell Jack what Steve had said, and he was furious. He called Steve immediately after our conversation and told him off- basically said that any man in his 30’s still living with mommy paying no rent or bills had no right to comment on our situation, and that Steve would never find anyone to love him if he kept verbally attacking women.

Jack went on to verbally add up the cost of having a med nurse, a chef and a cleaner to Steve- which was much more than it cost to support me. He finished the conversation by telling Steve to lose his number and never talk to us again.

Steve has been calling us both frantically about Jack ending the friendship- he cries about how he was just trying to protect Jack and says I’m cruel for having told Jack in the first place.

Most of our friends have told Steve that he’s getting what he deserves after those comments, but a few are messaging me telling me I was an a**hole to tell Jack anything, and that I should have handled it myself. The event is causing quite a few issues in our group of friends. AITA for telling Jack about what his friend said?

See what others had to share with OP:

VengefulPhantom98 −  Steve thinks you’re a gold digger? Sounds like he’s just mad that he can’t find someone to pay for his meals!

motheroflabz −  NTA. Steve sounds like a huge j**k.

LoomingDisaster −  NTA. If he didn’t want Jack to be pissed off, he shouldn’t have called Jack’s partner names. FAFO.

Temporary_Alfalfa686 −  Nta, disrespect to a persons partner is disrespect to them.

Ok_Ring_3261 −  NTA. Those “friends” who are saying you never should’ve said anything clearly would lie in their own relationships. You have every right to tell your partner when somebody does something terrible to you.

WhiteKnightPrimal −  NTA. You and Jack have a normal, healthy relationship because it includes communication. Telling Jack what happened doesn’t mean you couldn’t or wouldn’t have handled the situation yourself, either, it’s just keeping Jack informed of what’s happening in your life.

It was Jack’s choice to go nuclear and end the friendship. He could have chosen to let you handle Steve while he supported you, or to have a conversation with Steve himself. You didn’t make Jack end the friendship.

Honestly, if Jack is ready to go nuclear over a couple comments you could have dealt with in less extreme ways, there were other issues in his friendship with Steve already. Jack went straight into having a go at Steve for freeloading off his mother, too, which suggests being a gold digger is an issue here, just that Steve is the gold digger, not you.

Perhaps Steve has been at least attempting to mooch off the friend group, as well, and projecting his own personality onto you, who has done and sacrificed so much to help Jack recently, was the final straw.

You kept your relationship with Jack happy and healthy by communicating with him when you had an issue, instead of bottling it up and possibly resenting Jack for continuing to expose you to Steve. You did right by both yourself and Jack, here, you did absolutely nothing wrong.

Those saying you should have kept quiet are the ones happy to lie to their partners, at least by omission if not directly, and risk their relationships by refusing to have healthy communication. That, or they’re Steve enablers and expect you and Jack to be, too. The majority are on your side in this, and more importantly, Jack is on your side. That’s all that really matters.

Ok_Stable7501 −  Steve sound like one of those guys who spends all day listening to podcasts about gold diggers and can’t figure out why he’s single, and still has his mommy do his laundry and cook his meals. Edit: I was thinking the pain in the ass was Jack because he sounds like a j**kass.

Backgrounding-Cat −  NTA of course people tell everything to their spouses because they are a team.

DanaMarie75038 −  NTA. Steve deserved what he got. Stop feeling for him. I think Jack just verbalized what he was thinking all alone. 30’s living with mommy and daddy? He is goldingin his parents’ backyard. He wants to make you look bad so he can lift himself up. Block that AH.

LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa- −  Of course you are NTA. Steve and his defenders don’t truly know your relationship and should keep their thoughts to themselves. Funny that Steve didn’t have the balls to say anything in front of Jack, which speaks to his lack of character.