AITA for telling my parents we won’t be around for Christmas Eve and Christmas?

A Redditor (28M) and his wife (26F) are navigating holiday tensions with his family after past conflicts, including a yelling match that ruined Christmas the previous year. To balance time between families, they planned to visit his family from December 20-23, spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day as a couple, and visit her family afterward.

However, his mother feels slighted, particularly after booking accommodations that imply they should stay through Christmas Eve. Now, he’s standing firm on their plans but wonders if he’s in the wrong. Read the full story below to weigh in.

‘ AITA for telling my parents we won’t be around for Christmas Eve and Christmas?’

Me (28M) and my wife (26F) have been married for about two years. As the old stories go, my wife and mother have not always gotten along. In fact when I first got married my mother was so mean to my wife, I stopped talking to my family for about 6 months. Last year during Christmas my wife, mother, father, and I all got into a yelling match that ended up making a horrible Christmas.

The issue really springs from my mother wanting us to be around on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We are trying to split the holiday between my wife’s family and mine. So the plan was to go see my family the 20th-23rd of December, head home to have Christmas Eve and day just my wife and I, and then head over to see my wife’s family for the 26th-29th. We thought this would be a great way to balance our time, and to be fair to each family by not choosing to see one family over the other on the holiday.

In theory this makes sense to me, but my mom feels like she is just getting the short end of the deal. She has also booked where we will be staying for the 21st-24th. I can’t help but feel like she has done this to force us into being around for Christmas Eve, and I can see her doing stuff to make us stay until late on the 24th. AITA for standing our ground and still leaving on the 23rd? I don’t want this to end up in a big fight again like last year. But I don’t want to be forced into staying.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

LouisV25 −  NTA. 1) Your Mom hasn’t successfully made the transition from having a child to having an adult son. 2) You and your wife are the nuclear family now. 3) Stand your ground. Things in your life have changed so Mom will have to adjust. 4) Start building traditions in your house, that will benefit the family you’re building.

Illustrious-Mix-4491 −  No need to argue. Don’t even explain or tell them again. You said it. They know. When time comes just get up and leave. They will never believe you if you don’t stand up. Standing up does not require arguments. Just action.

owls_and_cardinals −  NTA. It’s amazing you’re able to dedicate 9 days to the holiday and its various family celebrations, and you’ve demonstrated you’ve been very, very equal in your plan. No one is getting Christmas Eve or Christmas Day so you’ve taken competition for those coveted days off the table.

If it were me, I’d visit your mom starting on the 21st – since that is when your lodging reservation begins – and leave on the 23rd as planned. You aren’t obligated to stay to the 24th even if that’s what she booked, and she shot herself in the foot by attempting to shift your stay, because she will have effectively shortened it, by having it start a day later.

There is a certain irony to your family / mom acting so miserable towards you all because they want to spend more time with you. Like can they not minimally see that the more strife this causes, the less you will want to be around them?

I do not see how your mom can justify that she’s getting the short end of the deal and the history here suggests she would be happy with NOTHING short of ‘her way’, whatever that is, so don’t fret. Make the plans you want to make and if she’s so unhappy about it that she refuses to participate in the time you’ve made available she is cutting off her nose to spite her face and probably only a situation like that will cause her to change.

enroutetoyou −  Contact the hotel and change the departure date to the one you and your wife want. Don’t even mention it to your mom until you say good-bye to her (the night before your morning of departure or after breakfast with her the day of departure, it’s up to you).

If she gets upset b/c she expected you to cave to her demands, just state the only relevant fact: “No fussing, Mom. I told you from the start what our plans are. Now hug us good-bye and let’s end this visit on a pleasant note.” Then LEAVE. Do not get sucked into a debate or argument. You are a grown married man. You and your wife decide your holidays schedule. Take control of your plans and schedules now — because as things stand, she will get more demanding if you have children.

Fresh_Process6822 −  NTA. You are an adult and can make your own choices about how long any visit will be. That said, INFO: why is your mom making reservations for your accommodations (instead of you and your wife doing so)?

CPSue −  I hope her booking is refundable. If it isn’t, make her eat the costs. This is unacceptable behavior. If it were me, I’d draw the line in the sand and tell her that since she can’t respect reasonable boundaries, I wouldn’t be seeing her this year and she can try again next year. NTA.

themasquedmami −  NTA. Your boundary is your boundary, your plan is your plan. The booking through the 24th can’t be anything but a m**ipulative tactic since you gave no permission or indication for her to do so. Stand your ground. Your folks should consider themselves lucky you’re spending *any* time with them considering the holiday history. Also, it’s really great that you’re making sure you split time evenly between each family. That takes thorough communication and understanding, and is a sign of a healthy relationship.

WhoKnewHomesteading −  “Mom we will be leaving on the 23rd and if you can’t understand that we will have to reconsider this trip as we are not going to spend time with you to only have it turn into arguments. This is our schedule – take it or leave it” NTA.

Hoagy72 −  When it’s time to leave on the 23rd, just call a cab and go. Don’t even say anything. Let your mother be mad by herself.

Soft-Noise8802 −  You can change the reservation to check out on the 23rd. No need to get into an argument with your mom.