AITA for telling my parents they were bad parents to me?

A Redditor shared their struggle growing up in a household where their life constantly revolved around their autistic brother’s needs and routines. Now, as they plan to move out for school, their parents are trying to guilt them into staying. Frustrated by years of feeling neglected, the user finally confronted their mother, calling out their parents for prioritizing their brother at the expense of their own childhood. Was standing up for themselves justified, or did they cross a line? Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for telling my parents they were bad parents to me?’

I (19M) have an autistic brother (20M). He’s fairly m**ipulative because he realized pretty quickly that the threat of a meltdown would get him his way every single time. He is considered high functioning by medical personnel, but he’s got my parents convinced he just doesn’t understand what he’s doing, and they don’t ever punish him.

Doctors have told them that he understands and that he knows what he’s doing. They think they know better. They also expect me to revolve my entire life around him. I was never able to do anything I wanted because it upset his routine. I wanted to play a sport, nope his routine. I wanted to get a job? Nope, his routine. Friends? Yeah forget about that. I tried not to be resentful, but I am.

The problem: My parents are flipping out because I plan to move several states away and in with my grandparents soon to attend school. They keep trying to guilt me into staying because of my brother. I usually just say that I’m sorry that they feel that way, but I’m still going. Well here’s where I might be the a**hole.

My mother was going on and on about how the world doesn’t revolve around me and how I was being really selfish and how I was going to ruin my brother by doing this. How they’d always been the best parents they could be to both of us and we both got equal attention.

I got frustrated and told her that she was delusional if she thought she or my father were ever good parents to me. They made my life revolve around my brothers, I had nothing of my own, he had to be the center of everything. I said He wasn’t the center of the universe even though she tried to make him it.

I told her that the only people who were selfish were her and my father because they actively ignored me in favor of babying my brother who played them like a fiddle to make sure he always got his way. I told her that his routine was not my problem, that it was up to them to make the appropriate adjustments, and asked if she really thought I’d just not live my life because of him?

She started crying and I walked off and shut myself in my room. My father is demanding an apology for what I said, but I’m refusing. My grandpa said he’s proud that I stood up for myself, but my parents are still demanding an apology for being an a**hole. I don’t think I need to give them one. AITA here?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

v2den −  NTA. High 5, virtual applause and standing ovation. I was literally fist pumping reading what you told your mom. Good for you. There is nothing to apologize for. You told her the truth.

**EDIT** Wow! I didn’t expect my comment to blow up like this. Thanks everyone for the upvotes and rewards. I am just a redditor who really felt for OP’s situation.

brokeanail −  NTA. Your parents abused you. They had this coming. I hope you find a better life and better family out there.

ScarieltheMudmaid −  NtA, any chance you can move now?

AdmirableJudgement −  **NTA** Neither your mom nor your dad wanted to hear the truth. They know you are right and want you to apologize for their abuse of you. As you said, they never wanted to listen to anyone who told them other than what they wanted to hear; and that includes you granddad.

Do not back down. If either brings up the idea of apology again, ask them when they are going to apologize to you for depriving you of a having a life of your own. Do exactly what you did here — detail the myriad ways they have consistently ignored you to make your m**ipulative brother happy. Move to be with your grandparents as soon as you can and when possible, start some counseling/therapy to put dysfunction behind you.

rjb4000 −  I told her that his routine was not my problem, that it was up to them to make the appropriate adjustments, and asked if she really thought I’d just not live my life because of him?. <looks left. <looks right. Yep – that about sums it up – well done! NTA

[Reddit User] −  NTA, have an excellent time in college!

Moggetti −  NTA. Your parents made the universe revolve around your brother and now they want you to play into a silly fantasy where they didn’t do that. Think about it this way, you have demonstrated that your parents are easily manipulated, selfish, and foolish. Would you really trust their judgment on whether they are owed an apology?

loxima −  NTA, my twin sister is severely autistic (sounds more severe than your brother) but it’s largely the same – she plays them like a fiddle, the whole world stops if she even vaguely suggests doing something.

Example, we went for a weekend away and didn’t do even one of the activities I proposed, just sat on the beach in the rain because she’d said she wanted to go swimming, when I walked away to do my own thing, I was the AH for not wanting to spend time with the family.

My mum would continually tell me I should get a job from 16-18, but then not let me because I needed to be around after school or at the weekends to be around if my sister needed. It was so frustrating, and you’re NTA for that frustration coming out.

When I moved cities for university, my relationship with my parents improved so much. I stopped being a third parent to my sister and just became another adult, who actually got to be her sister. Removing yourself from that role will do wonders for your mental health, and your family will adjust. You deserve your own life and all the experiences that come with it. Don’t forget that, keep your head down and look forward to what’s to come.

John_JayKay −  NTA. You said what needed to be said. You need to live your own life.

dreamingwideawake13 −  NTA – I am so sorry. It is really hard being the sibling of a disabled sibling sometimes. I, too, had to give up a lot, but their expectations of you are beyond extreme. Enjoy college. Hopefully, this hard truth and time apart will allow your parents to reflect on how they treated you and they can attempt to try and mend their relationship with you on your terms.

Do you think the Redditor was right to stand up for themselves after years of feeling neglected, or should they apologize for hurting their parents’ feelings? How would you balance personal freedom with family responsibilities in a similar situation? Share your thoughts below!