AITA for telling my parents they need to learn to live without me?

Family dynamics in large households can be both a blessing and a burden—especially when responsibilities extend far beyond what a teenager should have to manage. In this heartfelt account, a 17-year-old, the oldest of 10 siblings, has long been treated as a third parent rather than just a child.

From early mornings making beds to constant caretaking of younger siblings, he’s shouldered the weight of a household that’s always hungry for extra help. His life has been defined by meeting the needs of his family, often at the expense of his own childhood.

Now, with the reality of turning 18 and the prospect of moving out looming large, he reached his limit. When his parents expressed anxiety over losing his support, he boldly told them they needed to learn to live without him. His declaration wasn’t made in anger alone—it was the cry of someone who’s given too much for too long and is ready to reclaim his own life.

‘AITA for telling my parents they need to learn to live without me?’

My parents have a lot of kids. They always wanted a big family and were not prepared for how hard that would be. I’m (17m) the oldest of 10 and my parents have relied on me for so long that I don’t remember a time where I wasn’t treated like a third adult in the house. My siblings range from 15 down to 4.

My parents are still technically able to have more kids too because neither are 40 yet and it scares me, I won’t lie. We already struggle so much with 10 of us and I know it would be worse if they added more, especially when I’m so close to moving out. In our house we have a boys room, a girls room and our parents bedroom.

We basically all sleep on these tiny ass bunkbeds in order to fit everyone in. Nobody gets brand new clothes it all thrift store for me and the oldest of my sisters and our younger brothers and sisters get our hand me downs. It was expected I would step up by the time I was 5.

I had to make mine and my siblings beds, had to tidy up after younger siblings, had to stop my younger siblings from climbing onto things and I was also expected to clean the floors. Over time more chores were added to my list. Helping to cook, babysitting (even when I was too young really), helping with homework, holding siblings hands when we went grocery shopping so they wouldn’t run off.

Cleaning the bathrooms. Cleaning both boys and girls bedrooms. Tidying up if we were having guests (especially if anyone had friends over). My siblings weren’t really given chores. And I was basically doing just as much as my parents around the house. My siblings rely on me for too much.

From driving them places to picking them up from places, to giving them permission for stuff (my parents let me give permission where I know they would). They expect me to buy them stuff. They come to me more than our parents and sometimes come to me after our parents if they don’t like what our parents said.

They get pissy whenever I try to get them to help out and our parents won’t back me up so they have never done any kind of chore or helped out at all. They get so mad when I ask they say I’m not mom and dad but then they also won’t go to mom and dad for this s**t most of the time. My parents started freaking out because I’ll be 18 in October and they know I plan to move out.

I also work part time and that gets relied on to help financially and between that and all I do around the house, it finally dawned on my parents I won’t be around in a few more months. They started word vomiting all this on me and I told them they need to learn to live without me because it’s not my job to be the third adult in the house anymore. They told me I’ll still be a part of the family and I can’t just abandon them. I said I will not support the household after I turn 18 because it won’t be my job.. AITA?

Family therapist Dr. Emily Harding explains that when children are forced into adult roles, it can fundamentally alter their emotional development. She notes, “Taking on responsibilities meant for adults can lead to deep-seated feelings of resentment and burnout.” In this case, the eldest sibling has been burdened with tasks ranging from managing daily chores to making critical decisions for his younger siblings.

This early assumption of adult duties often leaves children feeling undervalued and stripped of their own identity. Dr. Harding believes that the long-term impact of such expectations can include difficulty establishing personal boundaries later in life.

Moreover, Dr. Harding emphasizes that every family member deserves to have their own space and time to grow. “When one child is consistently relied upon to keep the household running, it sends a message that their personal needs are secondary,” she says.

For this 17-year-old, the constant demands have overshadowed the joys of adolescence. His feeling of being exploited—as if he were an unpaid caregiver rather than a son—has reached a critical tipping point. His declaration that his parents need to learn to live without him represents a desperate need to reclaim a lost sense of self and independence.

Additionally, experts highlight the importance of equitable distribution of responsibilities in fostering healthy family dynamics. Dr. Harding suggests that parents should actively work to balance household duties so that no one child is overburdened.

“It’s essential for families to recognize that every member’s well-being matters, and that includes allowing space for personal growth and development,” she explains. This situation underscores a broader issue in family systems where high expectations can sometimes lead to long-term emotional scars if left unaddressed.

Finally, while it’s understandable for parents to feel anxious at the thought of losing a key support figure, Dr. Harding stresses that healthy boundaries benefit everyone involved. “Encouraging a child to grow into their own role in the family is an act of love,” she concludes. In this instance, the young man’s decision is not an act of abandonment but a necessary step toward establishing a healthier, more balanced future for himself—and ultimately, for the family as a whole.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

The Reddit community has expressed a range of opinions on this emotional dilemma. Many users empathized with the young man’s need to step back, noting that no one should be forced to sacrifice their childhood for family obligations.

Some argued that his parents should have gradually distributed responsibilities more fairly instead of relying solely on him. Others felt torn, acknowledging the difficulty of managing a large family while maintaining individual well-being. Overall, the sentiment reflected a call for more balanced expectations and open communication among family members.

Fearless_Spring5611 −  NTA. Older sibling “parentification” is a massive issue, especially in larger families, and I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through that process. I hope you manage to get out of that environment soon. As a word of warning (and hope!) – once you move away and no longer have to look after all those siblings, you will go through a process of self-discovery.

For the first time you will be able to really discover who you are as a person, develop your wishes and personality further. It’s kinda scary to go through, but it is also incredibly fun and exciting and those latter feelings soon outweigh the former.

It really does become a whole new chapter in your life, so don’t get weighed down comparing yourself to the single-child kids who never had so many carer responsibilities and had a head-start on that process. Keep to your own beat, enjoy and explore, just stay safe in the process!

FindAriadne −  NTA. You sound like the Duggars. this really sucks, and I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume I can blame Jesus.
Your goal is independence. Once you are 18, you can be done. And PLEASE wait to get married and have kids. Birth control is not sinful.

Timing s** to ovulation does not work. It is not a valid form of birth control. People can still get pregnant that way, my grandma had seven kids that way. Please do not trap yourself by having babies soon. And do not let your parents tell you that you are hurting your siblings by leaving.

That is not true. They hurt your siblings by creating people that they couldn’t take care of. In the end, the second oldest is going to have to help out or rebel. This is no longer your problem.

TheZZ9 −  NTA And make sure you have all your papers, licence, SS card, passport, birth certificate etc safe. Make sure you keep all your email and banking passwords safe and secret. Moving out, stopping paying rent etc is 100% natural and normal, its what millions of people your age do, so don’t feel guilty.

fallingintopolkadots −  NTA. Yeah, what they’re doing is parentification and it’s not fair to *any* of you. I’m proud of you for your steadfast determination to get out. I worry that your parents won’t suddenly decide to step up and take adequate care of their children and instead lean more heavily on your younger siblings.

That doesn’t mean you should have to clip your wings and stay homebound, however, but if you can… make sure that all of your siblings know that they don’t have to live this way forever.

TeenySod −  NTA – hell, it’s not your job NOW. This is called ‘parentification’ and is a form of abuse. Of course you’re sick and tired of it – you never got to be a kid. Move out. Manage boundaries. If your siblings keep coming to you after you move out with questions, etc – bat them back to their ACTUAL parents, and on no account let any siblings move in with you.

If continuing to pay for stuff for your parents and siblings might affect your own ability to pay rent, eat and run a car, do not provide additional financial support after moving out either – you don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Guilty-Tie164 −  NTA, but they are going to try to sabotage your plans. Be extra prepared and very careful. I’d be ready to walk out at midnight on my bday if I were you.

Rude_Egg_6204 −  Nta Stop engaging when the subject comes up.   Just smile and nod, let them assume whatever they like…then out at 18

embopbopbopdoowop −  “I said I will not support the household after I turn 18 because it won’t be my job.” It’s already not your job. I’m so, so sorry that your parents have taught you otherwise. OP, please prepare yourself for your siblings not to understand and to resent you when you first go.

They will come to understand in time, and possibly even to appreciate how much you did for them. But in the immediate aftermath of your departure, all they will know is chaos, one less parental figure, and whatever your parents choose to tell them. And the eldest ones will resent being expected to step up in your absence. These are not reasons not to go, just feelings to prepare for experiencing. Get out, OP. And good luck.. NTA

Worth-Season3645 −  NTA…Someone mentioned the Duggars. . This situation sounds worse than the them. You are doing everything. Where as, the Duggars, all kids had chores and responsibilities. I would start setting boundaries now. You say your siblings come to you for everything? Then start making them do chores.

They can make their own beds. Everyone gets a chore. Not just you. You get to now supervise those chores being done. Your siblings will not do them? Then they do not get done. Your parents complain? Tell them this is the way it is or you will call CPS on them and you will spread the word on social media how they have used you since you were 5.

This story raises crucial questions about the balance between family duty and personal growth. Is it fair to expect a teenager to function as an additional parent in a large family? How can families restructure responsibilities to ensure every member’s well-being? We invite you to share your thoughts and experiences—what strategies might help prevent one person from feeling overburdened, and how can families better support each other as they evolve?