AITA for telling my parents that I don’t want to live with them during visits ?

OP (26F) grew up in a toxic household where her mother resented having to give up her career to raise her. This created an environment of constant arguments and blame, with OP also being harshly blamed as a child. Now an adult, OP plans to stay elsewhere during holiday visits with her husband and one-year-old to avoid exposing her child to the negativity.

Her parents and extended family are upset, calling her an AH, arguing that a one-year-old wouldn’t understand the tension and that it’s “just for a week.” OP feels conflicted, as her entire family is siding with her parents. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for telling my parents that I don’t want to live with them during visits ?’

I (26 F) grew up in a very toxic environment in my home. My parents got married young and my mother got pregnant with me within the year of thier marriage. They were definitely not ready for a child and they didn’t live near any family.

My mother had to leave the job to take care of me and she has hated my father ever since for that which created a super toxicenvironmentf growing up.
Everyarguments ended with the fact that she had to give up her career and how miserable life has become since then.

She would say some pretty harsh stuff to me too regularly, blaming me for everything that is wrong in her life. I moved out as soon as I turned 18 and pretty much only visited for holidays.

I have stayed with them whenever I visit for holidays but this year my husband and I decided to stay separately because we don’t want our one year old to be aroundtall thedailya arguments and blame game.

My parents and cousins have called me as a**hole for telling my parents that, according to them a one year can anyway barely understand what is happening and it is just for a week and I only visit them during this Christmas, we spend all the other holidays with my husbands family.

I don’t what to do anymore, pretty much every family member of mine is on my parents side

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

andrew21photo −  NTA. You’re doing what’s best for your baby and yourself. You grew up in a toxic home, and it’s completely fair that you don’t want your child around that. Even if they’re little, they can feel tension, and it’s not healthy.

Your family might not get it, but that doesn’t make you wrong. You’re still visiting, just not staying with your parents, which is a fair choice. You’re putting your child first, and that’s what matters.

MidnightPositive485 −  NTA. It won’t get any easier, so do it now. Next year or the year after when your child is old enough to understand they’ll tell you “it was fine last year, why change it now?”

There will always be an excuse. Draw and defend your boundaries now. Your family is so accustomed to the toxicity they will probably never understand but you have to put yourself and your child first.

endor-pancakes −  The one year old might barely understand what’s happening, but they can absolutely understand there’s a fight going on and that people are angry or upset or devastated. That they can’t understand what the fight is about does not make it better, if anything it makes it worse. Cousins need to keep their uninformed noses out of your business — NTA.

Genybear12 −  NTA Your child will most definitely feel the tension and react because of the hostility. Your mom has had 20 years to get back into her career and move on from the anger she still is holding onto plus it sounds like your parents need some therapy to learn how to better deal with each other if they are going to continue to settle to stay together.

They are more concerned with the appearance of you not being there than the actual problems they’ll cause your child and I personally wouldn’t even want to go for longer than a few hours of a visit if I had to deal with this.

Tinkerpro −  Dear Family: Ya know what? You are right. A one year old doesn’t understand everything. But they do understand yelling and fighting and tension. So let’s cut to the chase. We have decided to stay home this year and celebrate Christmas as a family.

I know that is disappointing to your given that if I’m not there, you can’t tell me how much of a disappointment I am or how I ruined your lives. I certainly understand all the anger and stupid crap that comes out of your mouth, some directed at each other, some at me. It is time for this cycle to stop.

I am stopping it. There is no joy in visiting you for me and apparently not for you either given the behavior of the past few years. I have apologized to my husband for subjecting him to your toxic crap. We have decided we aren’t interested in it anymore. Hope you have a wonderful christmas and happy new year.

Same-Music4087 −  It seems that it is time for you and your husband to start your own traditions in your own home with friends who have goodwill towards you.

QuietCelery7850 −  NTA Their feelings are hurt because it doesn’t look good to the outside world that you won’t stay with them. Well, that’s entirely because of their actions, and you are correct to protect your child from them.

But there are lots of people with non-problematic families who still prefer staying elsewhere. Different noise levels, different bedtimes, fewer people sharing bathrooms—there of lots of reasons. But please remember that you don’t have to visit them at all. Your child need not be subjected to them, nor do you.

Living-Ad-1054 −  NTA The fact that they said the one year old couldn’t understand anyway, means they’re aware it’s a bad situation. If you don’t want to be there, your baby doesn’t want to be there. Assholes call people assholes for not wanting to be around other assholes. You keep on giving your kid a better childhood.

PegasusMomof004 −  NTA. I honestly not go at all if that’s how they’re going to be. You’ll sleep in a different place, but let’s face the fact that your 1yo will still be around them bickering since you’re visiting during the day. If they want to throw a fit and guilt you about not staying with them, they’ll continue that while you’re there.

In which case I would bow out of visiting at all. Respectfully stating your original reasoning. If you refuse to argue or discuss it, they’ll just be shouting into the wind.

StAlvis −  NTA Hotels are the _default_ for adults.

Is OP justified in prioritizing her child’s well-being and her own peace, or should she compromise for the sake of family during holidays? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!