AITA for telling my nurse boyfriend that adults work full time?

One person from Reddit recently found herself in a conflict with her boyfriend over his decision to continue working part-time as a nurse while pursuing his Bachelor’s degree. After supporting him through his transition into nursing, she expressed frustration that he isn’t working full-time, especially since he struggles to pay his share of the bills.

In a moment of frustration, she told him, “real adults work full-time jobs,” which led to a heated argument. Now, she’s questioning if her words were too harsh. Read her story below.

‘ AITA for telling my nurse boyfriend that adults work full time?’

I (26F) and my boyfriend (28M) have been together 4 years and we met working direct patient care jobs in the medical field. A couple years after we started dating he finally got his associates in nursing (RN) so he could work as a nurse, which he did full time for a year.

In the meantime, I started grad school and worked full time as a Chemist while working on my masters until going back to school full time as a PhD candidate (with a cost of living stipend) and working 45-60 hours a week between TAing, coursework, and lab research.

Last year, he decided he wanted to focus on online school more so that he could complete his Bachelors degree in nursing, so he cut his hours back to two 12 hour days/week. I fully support this, because I understand from experience how difficult working full time and being a student is.

However, he is about to finish his final class before completing his BSN, and wants to remain part time so he has more time off. I really don’t like this, because he has been struggling to pay his part of the bills while working part time since I am not making any more than him.

I don’t think that working 3 days/ week, even 12 hour shifts, is too much to take time to see family and friends, especially with PTO, since he already has much more time off than me. He also has a lot of debt or pay off so I worry about him making excuses to not work.

I told him “real adults work full time jobs, welcome to the real world”, and he told me I don’t know what it’s like to work and be a student, even though I did do that full time for a year before going for my PHd. He got very upset and stormed off. was I too harsh? AITA?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Kittenn1412 −  ESH. Look, if he’s struggling to pay his part of the bills, wanting to stay part time so he has “more free time” isn’t feasible, and if there’s a deeper issue like burnout then he should have opened up with that.

But honestly, the phrasing “real adults work full time, welcome to the real world” as an OPENER to his suggestion to stay part time is both wrong and condescending (there are absolutely valid adult household structures that involve an adult working outside of the home part-time or not at all), and more importantly, an assumption of the worst.

Maybe your boyfriend is an absolutely weed who just wants to play video games all day. Or maybe he’s suffering burnout after being a full-time student and a part-time worker, maybe there’s another issue at play here.

Your relationship will never survive in the long term if, every time your partner suggests something you disagree with, you assume that his motivation is laziness or something else negative right out of the gate. Being aggressive and condescending is not constructive when you’re building a life with someone.

Some things that should be the *initial* response to issues like this going forward can include: Asking where they’re coming from, identifying a change in behaviour that’s potentially a sign of physical or mental illness and suggesting a doctor, actually talking about what your concerns with his suggestion would be and searching for a way that BOTH of your needs might be able to be met.

And if a partner is actually really just a s**tty person, yeah, it’s important to be able to identify that and figure out when to walk away from a relationship entirely. But you’re being the s**tty partner when you dismiss them out of the gate.

NinjaHidingintheOpen −  3 12 hour shifts a week is 36 hours, and is pretty much full time.

graphitetongue −  ESH. Using work or hours put into things as a metric of “adulthood” is short-sighted, as it has little to do with age and more to do with capabilities and motivation, which everyone has different amounts of.

If he can pay his share of bills, he’s fine, but if he’s not, you do need to discuss and likely figure out how to pay things proportionately. You may also need to discuss career goals and realities.

Rredhead926 −  So, by your logic: People who don’t work full time aren’t real adults. 🙄 Please tell that to stay at home parents and other caregivers, people with debilitating disabilities, retirees, the unemployed…. YTA.

High_Lizord −  ESH. Different jobs are a different taxing for different people. Not everyone can handle the same for various reasons. That doesn’t make them “less of an adult” So yeah, you absolutely s**k here for saying that. However, it’s his responsibility to somehow contribute to your life together so he absolutely sucks if he foots you with his bills.

Odd-Whereas-3881 −  forget everything else you are making the same money? I guess its more about resentment that you work more hours than him right?
If he is wasting money on others things while making the some money as you and not pay his part of the bills (as long as they are equal) ESH. But still Im leaning bit more on you to be the bigger AH.

squiggs198trix −  If he is not paying his share then fair enough.. but if he’s covering his share then it’s up to him how he spends his time

Initial_Dish6682 −  Did you huys not read that he already struggles to pay his part of the bills and wants to remain part time?NTA.run.he wants you to pick up his slack.

FakeNordicAlien −  because he has been struggling to pay his part of the bills while working part time since I am not making any more than him INFO: how much is “his part of the bills”? The way you phrase it is odd – “I am not making any more than him” seems to imply that you’re making roughly the same, so you should be splitting bills 50/50. Are you? Or is “his part of the bills” more than 50%?

Adults need to meet their responsibilities and not expect others to support them, but there’s a lot of room for different lifestyles as long as those responsibilities are met. Some people are happy working less and making less, because time means more to them than money, and that’s not a morally inferior choice *as long as you’re not expecting someone else to pick up your slack*.

Public-Ad-9827 −  I am not making any more than him. So in his 24 hours he is making as much as you are at your full-time job? You say he’s struggling to pay his bills, but you don’t say he’s not paying his bills.

You don’t like the fact that he has more time off than you. Are you sure this isn’t just a jealousy thing or is it the fact that you think he should be paying more of the bills to help you out since you’re not making any more than his 24 hours is? 

Was the girlfriend right to push her boyfriend to work full-time, or did she go too far with her comments? How do you balance work, school, and personal life in a relationship? Share your thoughts below!