AITA for telling my mother to grow a backbone and stand up to my brother and his wife?

A 18-year-old girl (F18) lives at home with her mother (F51). Her family has strong Christmas traditions, and when her mother planned a Christmas film night, she invited her older brother John, his wife Ava, and their baby.

However, when John’s twin brother Tom couldn’t attend and suggested inviting Tom’s wife Gia, John and Ava objected, saying it would set a bad precedent. To avoid conflict, the mother didn’t invite Gia, keeping the film night a secret from her. Gia later found out through Facebook and was upset.

The girl felt her mother should have stood up to John and Ava and told them this behavior was wrong. After a confrontation with her mother and John, the girl told her mother to “grow a backbone,” which caused further tension. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for telling my mother to grow a backbone and stand up to my brother and his wife?’

AITA for telling my mother to grow a backbone and stand up to my brother and SIL? I (F18) live at home with my mother, (F51). I have two older brothers, twins, both are M24. For the sake of this post I’ll call them John and Tom. Both are married and have a baby.

John’s wife is Ava (F23) and Tom’s wife is Gia (F24). John and Ava have been married for around a year, and Tom married Gia earlier this year. My mum is a little obsessed with Christmas. Our family has a lot of Christmas traditions and we often go all out with celebrations.

The other week, my mum hosted a Christmas film night at our house (as is our family tradition). She invited John, Ava with their baby. She invited Tom over text and he said he cannot go as he is working, but suggested that she talk to Gia directly, as she may like to go.

This caused John and Ava to get unsettled and they said Tom doesn’t get to just choose who goes, and they asked my mum to not invite Gia otherwise she’s “setting a bad prescedent”. My mum chose to accept this and didn’t invite her, and kept the film night a secret from her.

S**t hit the fan recently because Gia found out she had been excluded through a post made by Ava on Facebook. She had plans on that day anyway with her own parents but said it would’ve been nice to have at least been invited. She’s very upset with my mum and John and Ava.

I’ve now been caught in the crossfire because Gia has been asking me why I didn’t say anything to her about this. Tom is also upset with us and said that we are all bullies. This has caused tension between me and my mum, because I feel like I’m being held responsible for what she chose to do.

Last night, John came round to get Ava’s lipstick that she had forgotten at our house and he was making very rude, unprompted comments about Gia. He said that she’s a dramatic b**ch and that he can’t believe his brother is with someone like her.

I told John that I really don’t want to listen to this and that I think he’s being unfair to Gia. John just started tutting and sighing and left. This caused an argument between me and my mum because she said that I was snarky to John and I shouldn’t speak to him that way.

I said I thought I was being perfectly reasonable and he shouldn’t be so rude. I told my mum she needs to grow a backbone and that this whole situation is because she didn’t have one, and that she needs to stand up to John and his wife.

My mum said that I don’t know what Im talking about and to mind my own business. I feel like Im going crazy here especially since all of this is over a stupid film night. Am I really the a**hole?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Miiesha −  Info: why is your family treating Gia like an outsider? She’s married to your brother. Is there something she’s done to cause this, or are they just jerks cuz she’s new?

fernswordgirl432 −  WTF does this? John and Ava’s treatment of Gia is uncalled for…. why be so rude as to say SIL isn’t invited if Tom can’t come? Your mom rolling over and participating in their n**ty little exclusion game is her own mess she made, and you were right to shut John down.

I will say this– you can tell your mom what you think, but while she’s putting a roof over your head and food in your mouth, I’d use some discretion in how you address her. You don’t have to agree with her, but you will come across as more mature if you do choose to drop it with her.

If she’s smart, she knows she did wrong and likely feels some shame at alienating her DIL. You might consider inviting Gia, Tom, and their little one to get together with just you for lunch at some neutral place– not to rehash this, but to chat, and reassure Gia that the entire family isn’t against her. NTA

TheSciFiGuy80 −  NTA Your mom does indeed need to grow a backbone. She caves under pressure about invites. Her own son was calling someone a b**** in front of her but it’s you she singles out for being rude?!? I also think you need to take a much firmer stance yourself on that behavior.

Instead of “I really don’t want to listen to this” I’d start saying things like “so you want to call people names behind their backs? So brave. I wonder how you’d feel if someone said that about your wife?” Or “you will not be calling people names and acting like a child”.

AmethystSapper −  Why couldn’t your mom send a group text that included all the children and their spouses so no one person is responsible for communicating or forgetting to communicate an invitation…

Miserable_Dentist_70 −  Why in the world would Gia not be invited just because Tom had to work? It is John and Ava who thought they had the right to decide who was coming. Ick.. NTA

literallynotlandfill −  Tell Gia like it is: That your mom wanted to invite her but John and Ava told her not to and that your mom just went along with what they wanted.. My verdict is NTA

k23_k23 −  NTA This is NOT about a stupid film night. This is about your mom being an AH and a toxic l**r. If Tom has any sense, he and Gia won’t visit your AH family over christmas. Your mom and that AH John broke up the family.

“I’ve now been caught in the crossfire because Gia has been asking me why I didn’t say anything to her about this. Tom is also upset with us and said that we are all bullies.” .. they are halfway igth. true, you have clearly chosen sides.

But tell them they should direct their anger at mom and John, because you are still living at home and were caught in the crossfire. The main AH here is your mom. Tell her not to come crying to you when she does nto get to see her grandchild any more.

goldenfingernails −  This caused John and Ava to get unsettled and they said Tom doesn’t get to just choose who goes, and they asked my mum to not invite Gia otherwise she’s “setting a bad prescedent”. I’m sorry, this makes no sense to me. I don’t understand their reasoning.

Alfred-Register7379 −  NTA. If your mum is hosting…. She better have the balls to answer and stand her ground when s**t hits the fan, due to her own hosting decisions. Not have her child get verbally abused, by random members.

New tradition should be, if you’re hosting… it’s your responsibility to deal with the aftermath… like a big girl.

alexannmarie −  John: “tom shouldn’t get to tell you who to invite!!! He doesn’t control you!!!” Also John: “mom, don’t you DARE invite Gia!!!”. NTA

The girl thinks her mother should stand up to John and Ava’s unfair behavior, but her mother disagrees. What do you think? Share your thoughts below!