AITA for telling my mother that my step dad will not be walking me down the aisle because I hate him, and in turn ripping my family apart?
A Redditor shared a story about an emotionally charged wedding decision that exposed deep family rifts. The user, who never had a close relationship with her stepfather due to his bullying behavior, chose her uncle to walk her down the aisle.
When her mother and stepfather found out, it caused a major fallout, with her mother defending the stepfather and the user firmly standing by her choice. Tensions escalated, leaving the family fractured. Did the user go too far in expressing her long-held feelings, or was she justified in prioritizing her emotional well-being for her wedding day? Read the full story below to decide for yourself.
‘ AITA for telling my mother that my step dad will not be walking me down the aisle because I hate him, and in turn ripping my family apart?’
I (23) am getting married to my boyfriend of 6 years in June. We’re having quite a large wedding (fiance has a big family, and we have a lot of friends), but my family is very small. My only family is my mom (never met my dad), and I have an aunt and uncle who are childfree. Since I was little, having no father I always wanted my uncle to walk me down the aisle.
My mom married my step dad when I was 12, and I’ve never liked him. He’s a bully. He says horrible things to people, says r**ist, sexist, transphobic things for attention, and heavily contributed to my mental illness and eating disorder as a teenager.
My mom knows that we don’t get along, and she knows I didn’t like him, but I gave up on confiding in her about how much I disliked him when I was around 15, because she would always insist that despite having a n**ty mouth, he was a really good guy and he would never hurt us. So, it’s been around 8 years since I’ve told my mom I hate him.
I moved out when I was 19 with my boyfriend. I visit my mom maybe 3-4 times a week, I would try to time this around my step dad working so I wouldn’t see him. As a result of seeing him less, I was more able to ignore his horribleness and we stopped arguing. I mostly stopped talking to him. He still refers to me as his daughter and my mother insists he loves me.
It is not mutual, but everyone has assumed that I love him too and our relationship is just based on ‘banter’ rather than tormenting. So, when I got engaged, I asked my uncle almost straight away if he would walk me down the aisle. He was over the moon, but my aunt was like ‘oh, you aren’t picking step dad?’ and I said no, I’ve always wanted uncle to do it.
A few hours later, my mom called me crying asking why I wouldn’t want step dad to do it, saying it’s broken his heart. I told her that I’ve always dreamed of having uncle do it. She pressed on about how heartbroken he is, saying he always thought we had a good, funny relationship. This is where I feel like an ass.
I said, ‘there was nothing funny about him ruining my self esteem and teenage years. I hate him and if it were up to me, he wouldn’t even be at the wedding’. My mom said that she’s horrified that I still feel this way, once again spouting that he’s a good guy and he loves me.
I repeated that I hate the guy, and she said she’ll tell him to back off. He’s now angry at me and has asked my uncle not to walk me. My uncle is now not speaking to him, and I feel like I’ve torn what little family I have apart. AITA?
Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:
_Potato_Cat_ − Nta. Your wedding. He doesn’t have to even be there.. It’s your day. You’re making memories for your family.. He’s not part of that. The fact he’s tried to ruin it by getting your uncle involved days a lot about him.
Asiatic_Static − NTA. It’s your wedding. if it were up to me, he wouldn’t even be at the wedding’. Is the guest list not up to you…?
VioletSachet − NTA. I’m sorry. Your mom has been going to a lot of trouble to convince herself everything has been fine. You don’t owe her that illusion. It’s lovely that you have a good relationship with your uncle. I hope you have a wonderful wedding day.
(I’d recommend not jumping to “I’ve torn my family apart,” though, ok? You’ve just stopped drinking the Kool Aid. You’re not responsible for their reactions. Don’t let them bully you into pretending and don’t take on more of this than what’s fair.)
mo-jo_jojo − NTA. Wow. He’s now angry at me and has asked my uncle not to walk me. Way to demonstrate how his relationship with you has been *funny banter* instead of *emotionally abusive*
[Reddit User] − NTA. The step-dunce abused you. You have every right to choose who walks you down the aisle. They’re trying to get you to feel guilty about it. Don’t fall into that trap.
[Reddit User] − NTA. It’s your wedding and you get to choose. Your stepfather is out of line for contacting your uncle about this. You owe no one an explanation or justification. Your decision is made and it’s not open for debate.
Next time your mother brings it up, shut it down; “My decision is made and I don’t want to discuss it.” If she persists, tell her that you’ll talk to her later and politely end the conversation. Boundaries only exist if they’re enforced. I’m sorry this is happening to you.
kayaker58 − she would always insist that despite having a n**ty mouth, he was a really good guy and he would never hurt us. I am the father of two wonderful, grown-up kids. If the best that can be said of a father is “he would never hurt us” that’s just a shame. You are NTA. I hope your wedding is the beginning of a wonderful life.
ghulehzombiiqueen − NTA. Though I do think it’s time for you to have a long, honest talk with your mother about his past actions and how deeply they affected you, if things calm down enough. You don’t have to include anyone in your wedding that you don’t want to. Your wedding is for you and your partner – you both deserve to have the wedding you wish. Glad to hear that your uncle is standing by you on this.
__loves2spooge__ − NTA – your mom was in denial. She shouldn’t have married a man who gets along so poorly with her daughter.
rouxs7 − NTA. It’s your wedding day. It’s about making you happy, not other people
Do you think the user was justified in choosing someone who truly supported her to walk her down the aisle? Or should she have tried to preserve family harmony, even if it meant including someone who hurt her? How would you navigate family tensions for a major life event? Share your thoughts in the comments below!