AITA for telling my mother she can’t be there for the birth of my child?

A Reddit user (34M) and his wife (34F) are expecting a baby in June. The user has a strained relationship with his mother, who has a history of overstepping boundaries. The mother assumed she would be present for the birth, but the user explained that she could visit after the baby is born.

The mother reacted negatively, accusing him of being selfish, and his father claimed he was ruining Christmas with the news. The user is firm in his decision but is questioning if he’s being unreasonable. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for telling my mother she can’t be there for the birth of my child?’

Backstory: My wife (34F) and myself (34M) are expecting a child in June. My wife doesn’t have a great relationship with my Mom. My mom has a history of overstepping boundaries and inserting her dominance where she can. I have a history of a**oholism but I’m 6 years sober.

My mother was under the Impression that she was to be there for the birth. I explained that she would be welcome to meet the baby after it’s born but not during. (I didn’t have the heart to tell her she stresses my wife out) I let her know that we wanted the child to build up its immune system before out of towners come in. I did mention the possibility of my wife’s mother being there possibly.

My mother told me I was a taker my whole life with a chance to “give back” my father said I was ruining Christmas with the news.. Is it really that big of a deal? My stance is firm and if I roll over once they will push me for the rest of this kids life to inset their will on them.. Am I the a**hole?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Mother_Search3350 −  Letting your mother into a delivery room with your wife in the most vulnerable state she can possibly be in and in pain with her entire self exposed is not ‘giving back’ anything to your mother.
She is a monumental AH for thinking that she is entitled to be in that space with your wife when they barely even have a civil relationship.

Your father is an i**ot if he thinks that’s some kind of Christmas gifting process for his wife.  Childbirth is not a family reunion or a spectator sport, it’s a major medical issue where the lives of both a mother and child’s life are at stake.

wugmuffin12 −  NTA. Ask her if she would want her DIL all up in her business during a pap smear. Warn the hospital staff that she is not welcome in advance, they will gladly prevent her gatecrashing for you.

slippinginto9 −  NTA. Childbirth is not a spectator sport.

Tricky_Direction_897 −  Your wife gets to choose who is in the delivery room, full stop. If it’s been said once it’s been said a million times, but birth is not a spectator sport. NTA.

TheQueenOfDisco −  Of course you’re not the a**hole here. Shockingly the birth of your child is not all about what your mother wants, and she needs to accept that. If she and your father want to throw hissy fits about that then I suggest you take some time apart until they can act like the adults they should be.

Your parents are the grandparents now, not the parents. They don’t make the rules or make demands when it comes to your child. You and your wife need to keep some strong boundaries in place otherwise your mom will most likely ruin what should be a happy time in your life.

Just-Like-My-Opinion −  My mother told me I was a taker my whole life, with a chance to give back. My father told me I was ruining Christmas. Jesus. Your parents sound awful. I would just cut them off. Why expose your wife and child (and yourself) to their toxicity. I’m guessing from her comment that your mother was pretty emotionally a**sive when you were growing up?

Did you know that Dr. Gabor Mate’s research has linked substance abuse in adulthood to childhood trauma. For example, trauma caused by an emotionally a**sive/narcissistic parent. You are doing the right thing by standing up for your wife and holding those boundaries. Keep it up!. NTA.

MistySky1999 −  Your parents are major jerks. They have zero “rights” to be in on any medical procedure with their daughter-in-law, or anyone else for that matter. To get angry and mean when they are confronted with that obvious statement takes a special kind of n**cissist. Good for you for defending your wife’s privacy and peace of mind. Good for you for realizing your parents are testing boundaries to see how far they can control you and your family. Good for you for being 6 years sober. . NTA.

MaidenoftheGoldenAle −  NTA. Honestly, I would consider waiting to tell your mom (and anyone else who isn’t respecting boundaries or who doesn’t need to know immediately) until a day or two after the birth. That way any surprise visits from her to the delivery room or birth center are off the table and it allows you and your wife time to be present and together during what can be an incredibly momentous moment.

You don’t (and your wife especially) need to be navigating socially challenging interactions at this time. Your attention will be elsewhere, as it should be. Good luck and I hope she lays off the guilt trip.

llangi −  I had a great relationship with both my Mum and MIL, but the only one that was going to be at the births was my Husband. I don’t understand all this agro about Mothers’s having a right to be at the birth. They are not going to see my private parts or hear me swear.

lydocia −  There is no rolling over to do – this is entirely your wife’s choice. It’s her medical procedure. It’s a good time to think about whether these toxic, m**ipulative and controlling parents should be in your life at all, now that you’re about to unleash them onto your child as well.