AITA for telling my mom’s family I don’t owe her because she had gender disappointment?

A Reddit user recounts the challenges they’ve faced due to their mother’s “gender disappointment” after their birth. Born a boy to a mother who longed for daughters, this user describes how their mother, devastated by not having a girl, left most of the early parenting to their paternal grandmother.

When their sister was born, the mother poured all her love and attention into her, leaving the user feeling neglected. This favoritism continued, with lavish gifts and love for the sister, while the user received little to no attention.

When the user expressed frustration at a family gathering, they were told to show “understanding” of their mother’s disappointment. The user responded by saying they “don’t owe her” understanding simply because of her unmet expectations.

Read the full story below to understand the complex family dynamics and the impact of gender disappointment on the user’s relationship with their mother.

‘ AITA for telling my mom’s family I don’t owe her because she had gender disappointment?’

My mom never wanted a boy. She wanted girls. Apparently her dream was 4 daughters. But she had me (16m) first. I have seen photos and videos of the day I was born. She cried hysterically when they told her I was a boy. Then she refused to hold me.

After we were cleaned up she cried about not using the name she had chosen and said she didn’t know how to move on from it. All this was caught on camera. Eventually my paternal grandma took me and she was the person to hold me in photos and videos taken during the rest of our hospital stay.

My paternal grandma was my sole parent figure for the first 8 years of my life. She took care of me and I spent so much time at her house. Sometimes I was there for weeks. Then she had a brain bleed and died.

So I was left with a mom who wanted girls and not a boy and a dad who wanted to be a provider and nothing more. My mom had my sister “Lily” two years after me. So mom got her girl and Lily got all her attention. While I got grandma until I was 8 and then nobody.

My mom and Lily are super close and mom adores Lily. Lily got the bigger bedroom, she gets the gifts, she gets all her favorite snacks, she gets to do all the extra curricular activities she could ever want and her birthdays are huge parties with huge gifts.

Christmas she gets at minimum? 25 gifts from mom alone. Mom typically gets me one… never anything I’d like or want but you know, thought that counts (which is zero). My mom’s family don’t act too interested in making up for my lack of parental love.

And in the last couple of years mom and I have argued more and I give her a hard time. Dad’s never around to give him one. But mom? If she wants to ignore me than she can hear how s**tty it is and if she wants to treat my sister like a perfect angel then she can hear about it.

Mom has mentioned how I ruined her dream of four daughters. We were at mom’s parents house Friday and mom gushed about Lily doing good on a project and the scooter she got Lily to help her get around easier. She got Lily a custom helmet and a personalized lock for her scooter.

She couldn’t stop talking about it and I told her she really does love to shower her favorite in gifts and praise. My mom’s family told me I should take it easier on her and said I should understand we had “some little troubles” because of mom’s gender disappointment.

I told them I don’t owe her s**t because she had gender disappointment and that I didn’t ask to be born to a mom who only wanted daughters. They told me I lacked adult understanding and compassion.. AITA?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Front_Scholar9757 −  NTA. Your mum is toxic and extremely shallow. So many out there are desperate for a healthy baby… regardless of gender. She’s blessed with just that & rejects it. I’m so sorry your mum is like that and for the loss of your grandmother.

The good news is, you’re almost an adult. My advice is to focus on yourself and work hard so you can get out of there. Then you can choose when you see her & in what capacity.

Side note: I really hate the concept of gender disappointment & feel it’s becoming more obvious with these huge trendy gender reveals. Nobody needs to see their parents bratting because they’re not what they expected. People need to grow tf up & realise what’s important in life.

Outrageous_Fly_4296 −  NTA. Your mother needs to grow up. You are in no way responsible for mitigating her disappointment that the fantasy she created in her head (long before you even existed) didn’t materialize. Her inability to cope with reality should have never been your problem.

It is g**tesque to expect a child (which you are at 16) to be “understanding” of a mother’s immaturity. Continue to call your mom’s behavior. Speak up for yourself. (And go NC with her and anyone else defending her BS as soon as it is legally and financially possible)

llama-momma- −  NTA – That’s not ‘gender disappointment’, that’s some disgusting & cruel n**lect on your ‘mother’s’ part. I had to use quotation marks because no real mother worth her salt would ever do such a thing.

I always wanted to have boys growing up because I was a huge tomboy as a child & now I’m the mother of two girls. I only felt slight disappointment when I found out my oldest was a girl.

From the moment she was born, I had this entire new vision of what life would be like sharing it with a daughter & fell in love with being a girl mom. That’s the way it should be.

I loved the experience with my oldest so much that I was just as happy to get a second daughter. If I’m ever blessed to have a son, I know I’ll love him just as much. That’s what parenting should be.

PhysicalGift6442 −  NTA. Can I give you some advice OP? From one unwanted “gender disappointment” to another, you NEED to gather your birth certificate and Social Security card and store them somewhere safe.

Doing this now will make leaving so, so much easier in the future. Also, google Equifax/Experian/Transunion credit freeze to freeze your credit so your hateful mother can’t use your identity to take out a loan in the future.

JimmyAintSure4646 −  NTA, but your mom really is. If I was in your shoes, I would cut mother & anyone who supports her out of my life completely. And when you have kids. guess who doesn’t get to meet her beloved granddaughter? Your mom.

Significant-Dig609 −  That’s an E V I L family, they’re saying you don’t understand! Wow! Wow! I just can’t get over it. They’ve excused the mothers appalling behaviour. Complain to school, honestly.

catladyclub −  NTA… this is not a “little” trouble. This is a mentally ill and cruel woman who spurned her own child. She is not a good person. I have 4 sons and one daughter and I cannot imagine not loving them.

They are just as important as she is. You have complete understanding of the situation. You were and are being mentally abused by her on a daily basis. Some people should never be able to have children. I am so angry for you.

AgnarCrackenhammer −  NTA – Anyone who claims to have “gender disappointment” about their child is a pathetic failure of a parent

Leigeofgoblins −  You’re the one that lacks adult understanding? Are your family on crack or something? Absolutely NTA. They all sound batshit crazy. Yikes.

throwaway698873 −  I think you need to cut her from your life soon

Do you think the user was justified in expressing frustration over his mother’s treatment, or was his reaction too harsh? How would you handle feeling overlooked due to a parent’s unmet expectations? Share your thoughts below!