AITA for telling my mom to have my sister do it?
A 25-year-old man faces familial wrath after refusing to take unpaid leave to care for his cancer-stricken mother, who plans to leave her home and assets to his sister, Lynn (a live-in caregiver with three kids). The clash exposes years of resentment over perceived favoritism, with the mother’s plea for help met by his ultimatum: “Ask Lynn—she’s the one you’re rewarding.” As siblings and parents pick sides, the conflict raises thorny questions about obligation, equity, and the cost of caregiving.
‘ AITA for telling my mom to have my sister do it?’
Expert Opinions:
The Psychology of Caregiver Favoritism
Dr. Karl Pillemer, family sociologist and author of Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, explains: “Parents often reward the child who provides care, but this can alienate others. The ‘caregiver heir’ dynamic breeds resentment, especially when siblings feel their contributions are overlooked.”
Financial Burden of Family Caregiving
A 2023 Journal of Aging Studies report highlights that 40% of caregivers sacrifice income or job security. Economist Dr. Heather Long notes: “Expecting unpaid labor from adult children—particularly those excluded from inheritance—ignores the economic precarity many face.”
Legacy and Emotional Blackmail
Dr. Pauline Boss, expert on ambiguous loss, warns in The Myth of Closure: “Using inheritance as a bargaining chip for care creates transactional relationships. Guilt-tripping a child with ‘I’m dying’ undermines genuine connection.”
Solutions from Experts:
- Mediation: A neutral third party could broker a compromise (e.g., splitting inheritance proportionally to caregiving efforts).
- Transparent Planning: The mother should formalize care expectations in the will to avoid ambiguity.
- Boundary-Setting: The user could offer limited, non-financial support (e.g., coordinating meals) without derailing his career.
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
Hypothetical Reddit Reactions:
- Team User: “NTA. Your mom can’t demand your time and cut you out financially. Lynn wants the house? Lynn does the work.”
- Team Mom: “YTA. She’s dying. Inheritance aside, basic human decency matters.”
- Middle Ground: “ESH. Mom played favorites, but refusing to help at all is cold. Negotiate a shorter visit.”
This standoff forces a reckoning with uncomfortable truths: Can love coexist with conditions? While the user’s anger is rooted in years of inequity, his mother’s mortality complicates the calculus. Is it ever too late to bridge divides, or does fairness demand holding firm? Share your thoughts: Should caregiving dictate inheritance, or are familial bonds beyond transaction?
I hope you can live with the guilt after your Mum passes , this is probably the last chance you’ll see your Mum alive and your putting conditions on it .
Regardless of the circumstances , your Mum is in pain and the last
Stages of live, give her some compassion .
You can worry about who gets what and how much ‘she loved you more the me “ crap when she dead ffs.