AITA for telling my mom to grow up?

A Redditor, a 16-year-old girl on the Autism Spectrum, shared a tense moment with her mother. After being repeatedly mocked for her monotone speech, a trait related to her diagnosis, the teen snapped and told her mom to “grow up.” The comment left her mom upset and venting to others, but the Redditor wonders if her reaction was justified. Read the full story below and decide who was in the wrong.

‘ AITA for telling my mom to grow up?’

For context, I’m 16F, and I have Autism Spectrum Disorder. Earlier today, my mom, 40F was mocking me for the way I spoke. I tend to have a hard time expressing how I feel when I talk, so everything comes out monotone.

I’ve learned to deal with it a bit better now, but I’m not always perfect when it comes to expressing things, even when I try my hardest. My mom has recently decided that since I got diagnosed with ASD, this must mean that she’s autistic as well, so she doesn’t take any of my boundaries or needs seriously, and thinks I’m making up everything I talk about.

Today, I kinda snapped when she started repeating what I said in a robotic tone, mocking how I spoke. She does that a lot, and I’m not exactly sure why it affected me so much in that moment, but I just said something along the lines of, “You are forty-years old. Forty. Grow up.”

I hate the phrase “growing up”, because I’m told to grow up when I say I don’t want to be hugged at social gatherings, among other things I’m uncomfortable with. But in this situation, I think she deserved it. I believe that it was really childish for her to mock me again and again.

She was really upset, and I could hear her ranting on the phone about me. Although I couldn’t hear exactly what she said, I heard my voice being mentioned.I feel guilty for hurting her feelings, but at the same time, I kinda feel like she needed to hear that.. Thanks.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Mathalamus2 −  NTA. she should grow up…. if her feelings get hurt, good.

pomkombucha −  NTA. You’re right lol she’s acting like a middle school b**ly. I’m not diagnosed with ASD but I have suspected I might have it as well as my brother, and when we were growing up, there was a lot of tension between ourselves and our caregivers (we were in foster care) from issues like this.

This happens when the child is more emotionally aware and matured than the adult. Just to give some validation, even at almost thirty now, I still find no shortage of adults who act like middle schoolers. She doesn’t sound mature or like she should be allowed to be a parent, much less one of a special needs child, but I digress. NTA. Mom is most definitely the a**hole here.

bamf1701 −  NTA. Your mother is not acting like a caring parent – she is acting like a high school b**ly. A caring parent would not mock their child, especially over something they don’t necessarily have any control over. Your response to your mother was, in fact, well put and very appropriate.

HorseygirlWH −  I’m 60F and have two kids 28M and 31F and I can’t imagine mocking my kids when they were 2 or 3, let alone when they were 16 and were on the spectrum. Your mom sounds cruel! My daughter hasn’t wanted hugs since she was about 2 and you know what? We don’t hug her unless she goes to hug us first. Your mom is TA but you’re NTA.

G-Lurk_Machete100 −  NTA. I’m sorry your mom treats you poorly. Remember that you are not responsible for other people’s bad behavior. Most adults act like children sometimes, too. That helped me figure some things out about my own life; maybe it will be helpful to you.

Aggressive_Cattle320 −  NTA. Your mother DOES need to grow up! Tell her that she is supposed to be the adult in the relationship. Tell her it hurts your feelings and make you feel terrible when she “mocks” what you can’t help.

Parents are supposed to be leaders and role models to our children, and help them to be their personal best. Your mother, behaving as she is, is doing the exact opposite of that for you. Can you talk to your dad or another person in the family you are close to?

It almost sounds to me like your mom is jealous of the attention your diagnosis has gotten, and she’s trying to outshine you. That is ludicrous, and she needs some therapy to learn how to best support YOU while coping with her own life. This isn’t about her.

LucifersLady666 −  NTA. She’s a 40 year old acting like a school yard b**lying. Bravo for standing up for yourself and putting her in her place. I can’t understand how parents, who aren’t really parents imo, can mock and b**ly their own children, special needs or not. It’s so wrong on so many levels.

ToriBethATX −  NTA. Your mom is an adult, therefore a “grown up” (noun) who has supposedly by now “grown up”(verb). Currently she is behaving like a pre teen or teen b**ly instead of a mature, reasoning adult. Even her calling someone to complain falls in the pre-teen/teen behavior instead of the mature, reasoning adult.

Going forward, treat her as a mature, reasoning, and reasonable adult would treat another mature, reasoning, and reasonable adult would. Stay as calm and collected as you possibly can.

Speak in a “polished and educated” manner (in other words, don’t devolve into childish words such as meanie…unless she is clearly deliberately acting extremely childish). Think something along the lines of “Mother, why do you insist on behaving like a teenager, especially a teenage b**ly, would behave?”

Embrace the seemingly lack of emotion when you speak. While it’s fine to show a slight amount of emotion (talking about something happy? You can sound happy), don’t let it go too far (explosive angry eruption while ranting).

The name of the game is to SOUND like a mature, and dare is say grown up, adult. To touch on your comment about being told to “grow up” when you don’t want to be hugged, etc. try responding “It’s interesting that you tell me to grow up, yet “grown up” adults are permitted bodily autonomy and choices.

If you wish me to “grow up” then I SHOULD exercise those same rights, and therefore I have the right to NOT hug or accept hugs from anyone. I also have the “grown up” right to NOT have to do anything I’m uncomfortable with doing simply to appease the rest of you.”

In the end, it may behoove you to begin working towards your independence. If you can get a part time job to be building your resume and experience, do it. The money is just a bonus at the moment. Don’t let your diagnosis be a deterrent.

Being autistic doesn’t mean you are incapable of holding a job, although it wouldn’t surprise me if your mom, and possibly other family members, would say so and try to convince you otherwise. Also look into extracurriculars (or jobs) that would look good for colleges and on a resume. Work to keep your grades good.

Do things that will benefit YOU, especially for the inevitable time that you MUST be independent. Learn healthy habits and behaviors for adult living. Considering your mom’s middle/high school mentality, you probably shouldn’t have her on any bank accounts you have decent amounts of money in.

Vapid, high school girl behavior may include “oooh, money! Shopping Spree!!!” and suddenly your account is either much reduced or empty. If you worry about something like that, get someone you trust to open an account with you (grandparent, sibling, even a teacher at school)

and put the main bulk of your money in that account and make sure to set a spending/withdrawal cap for now so it can’t be accidentally (or perhaps even deliberately) drained until YOU want to do so. Once you reach 18, you can then convert the account to be only in your name.

Search for posts that reference getting out of toxic households. While this may not apply to you, there is good information for preparing and executing having to leave home (and in some cases actually “adult”).

Attirey −  Honey, you didn’t hurt her feelings. She’s angry because she knows she was wrong and can’t stand that being pointed out. But you didn’t make her sad. She’s not in pain. What she’s feeling is anger because you took away her power in that moment. She was b**lying you. Bullies  hate it when the person they’re b**lying doesn’t just take it.

Your mom makes herself feel good by making fun of you and you spoiled her enjoyment of your misery. That’s all this is. She’s angry that she didn’t get that good feeling by making you feel bad. . NTA

8675309-ladybug −  Oh op I’m so sorry your mother is b**lying you. Your mother should be a source of comfort from the world around you. I’m sorry you have to deal with this but some people just have no empathy or compassion. NTA you were spot on with your comment. Good for you. You only have two years left before you can leave and find people who you can respect and be respected by. Best of luck op.

Was the teen justified in standing up for herself against her mom’s mocking behavior, or could she have handled the situation differently? How would you address a family member who dismisses your boundaries and needs? Share your perspective below!