AITA for telling my mom I’m pregnant before the second trimester?

A Reddit user shared a personal dilemma after learning she’s pregnant following years of trying with her husband. Overjoyed, she told her mom the news since they’ve been close, but her husband was upset, fearing her mom would bring negativity to the pregnancy.

He then insisted that they tell his mom too, which she hesitated on due to his mom’s tendency to spread news quickly. This disagreement has escalated, leaving her wondering if she made the right choice. Read on for the full story.

‘ AITA for telling my mom I’m pregnant before the second trimester?’

I (29 f) am pregnant with my husband (35 m) first child. We’ve had complications over the last few years with trying, tried countless doctors, clinics, etc. I finally found out recently that I’m pregnant and told my mom after I shared the news with my husband, since she’s been my support my whole life.

I told my husband that I told my mom and he got mad at me, calling her negative person and saying she’s going to put a “bad eye” on our unborn child. Several hours later he said “well if you told her we have to tell my mom and we’re doing it next week”.

I told him it’s my decision who I want to tell and I don’t think it’s a good idea since his mom talks a lot and will tell a lot of people before we get to tell them. He started to yell at me, said I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and it’s not fair that my mom knows but his doesn’t. Am I the a**hole for telling my mom that I’m pregnant and not wanting to tell his yet?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

ReviewOk929 −  ESH. he got mad at me, calling her negative person and saying she’s going to put a “bad eye”. AH number one. He started to yell at me
Yeah he is going pretty strong at the assholery right here. I told him it’s my decision.

Don’t you think as a couple it’s kind of a collective decision which requires communication between the two parties involved (you and him in case you’re not sure). Seems kind of assholerish to veto outright without a mature discussion…neither of you seem very mature though

DinaFelice −  Wow. There’s a lot to unpack here. Are you an AH for telling your mother that you are pregnant before the second trimester? No, of course not. The convention is not to tell “the public” about pregnancies early on because so many things can go wrong in the first trimester and many couples prefer to keep their grief at least semi-private if the worst happens.

But it’s extremely common to tell at least one or two close friends or immediate family members so they can help support you Is your husband an AH for saying that your mother is going to put a “bad eye” on the baby? Absolutely. Not sure this even needs an explanation.

Is your husband an AH for wanting to share this info with someone *he* is close to so *he* can get some support? No…if that’s actually what is happening, but I don’t think it is.

Is your husband an AH for saying “if we tell X then we have to tell Y”? Yes. Until you are ready to share it publicly the only people who should be told about the baby are those who are absolutely necessary to provide the two of you with support. There is no such concept as someone else having the “right” to know about your baby, so therefore, it makes no sense for him to argue that “it isn’t fair”

Are you an AH for saying that you are the *only* one who gets to decide? Yes. Even though the *details* of your medical situation are yours to decide whether to disclose, the *pregnancy itself* impacts your husband too and it’s not fair to completely deny him the opportunity to discuss this with someone who isn’t you.

That being said, if his mother is not a safe person to tell, then it is fair for you to insist that he pick someone more trustworthy to be his confidant Is your husband an AH for yelling at his pregnant wife (someone who is literally putting her body on the line to bring his child into the world) for “not keeping her mouth shut”? Yes.

Unequivocally yes. Disturbingly yes. Even though I think you need to reconsider part of your attitude, I’m going to have to go with NTA as my final judgment. Your husband’s behavior is so over the top AH-ish that it completely cancels out your singular overstep.

applebum8807 −  ESH. You’re both being immature about this and frankly, should have discussed this beforehand. This is also NOT just your decision, you’re not the only parent here.

SoMuchMoreEagle −  NTA He seems to have a very different opinion of your mom than you do. You say she’s been your support your whole life, but he thinks she’s going to put a “bad eye” on the child (wtf does that mean?). If your mom can keep a secret and his can’t, that’s a good enough reason not to tell his. But overall, it sounds like you two have a lot more issues than just this. I’m getting a bad vibe.

Anonymoose-125 −  To further clarify, we previously discussed my mom would be my support system and I would tell her. She’s held secrets I’ve told her from when I was a child. He doesn’t like my mom and thinks she’ll “put a bad eye” because she’s a no nonsense person and calls him out when she doesn’t like when he’s doing something.

GuiltyPick −  NTA. Whilst it’s primarily your decision, you’ve placed a double standard on yourself. You didn’t consult your husband before telling your mother, and that’s why he is acting out in the way that he is.

You’ve got to be on the same page before naming decisions or you could alienate the other other parent. But at the same time, you’re the carrier of the baby and the person who needs the most support in this time so your decision to choose your mother makes total sense.

Prancinggit420 −  No, NTA, but this yelling at you and his reaction is alarming. What’s he going to do when the baby does something he doesn’t like? If a grown man can’t communicate properly by the time he reaches 35, there are a lot of things to be worried about when there’s a baby on the way.

huggie1 −  You and your mom should look at Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That?” It might open your eyes about those red flags your husband is waving, and your mom can help you with that. It’s available for free download on Bancroft’s website. Good luck!

Eastern-Detail −  NTA it’s your pregnancy, you absolutely can tell your mother. This is insane. Also, it’s not like you were recklessly telling random acquaintances, you told presumably the one closest person to you other than your husband and someone who is an important emotional support to you.

Clearly your husband knows that his mom isn’t a safe person to tell, which is why he’s essentially threatening you with telling her as “retaliation” for you telling your mom without his permission. Imo this is emotional manipulation. Your husband should respect you, understand that you — the person who is actually pregnant — deserve emotional support from your mother (a no-brainer), and be able to discuss this with you rationally.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Why are you married to and trying to have a child with a man who treats you like this? When he gets pregnant, he can tell whoever he wants, whenever he wants. This guy is waving red flags right in your face. Good luck.

Do you think she was right to confide in her mom first, or is it fair for her husband to insist his mom be told too? How would you handle sharing big news like this with family? Share your thoughts below!