AITA for telling my mom I’m not her personal problem solver?
A Reddit user, a 29-year-old woman, is feeling overwhelmed by the constant responsibilities her mother places on her. Despite having two siblings, the user is always the one expected to solve problems, from household issues to emotional mediation.
When she asked her mother to share these responsibilities, her mom accused her of being selfish. The user wonders if she’s wrong for setting boundaries. Read on to explore the emotions behind the user’s dilemma.
‘ AITA for telling my mom I’m not her personal problem solver? ‘
I’m a 29-year-old woman, the middle child in a family of three siblings. My older sister (32) and my younger brother (26) don’t really get involved in family responsibilities, which has left me as the one my mom constantly turns to.
Whether it’s fixing issues around the house, helping her with technology, or mediating arguments between her and my dad, I’m the one she calls. I love my mom, but it feels like she depends on me for everything. I’ve tried suggesting that my siblings could help, but her response is always, “They’re so busy!” (as if I’m not).
Recently, I asked her to spread the responsibilities more evenly, but she got defensive and said I was being selfish. I tried to explain that I need space for my own life and challenges, but she accused me of abandoning her.
Now, I feel guilty, but I’m also frustrated. AITA for setting boundaries? What would you do if you were in my shoes? Should I keep insisting on balance, or am I being unreasonable?
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
Particular-Town2229 − You’re absolutely allowed to set boundaries with your family. It’s not fair for you to always be the one to solve everyone’s problems, especially when your siblings aren’t helping out. You deserve to have a life outside of being the family fixer.
stonrbby − It’s hard when your family relies on you too much, but you have every right to prioritize your own life and needs. Have you talked to your siblings about this? Maybe they don’t realize how much you’re carrying
Go-Mellistic − I read a quote about boundaries that stuck with me and might help you. “A boundary is the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously” (P. Hemphill). I know it’s hard to change your boundaries with a needy family member but it’s worth it to not resent them and maintain a positive relationship.
Ok-Try-857 − NTA. Your siblings are also NTAs. They don’t put up with your mom’s weaponized incompetence and that’s a good thing.
The problem here is your mother and you. Allowing her to use you has strengthened her entitlement and you’ve made manipulated into believing your siblings are selfish for not helping you and her.
You won’t convince her to get a therapist, use google, find friends to confide in, etc. You have to set boundaries to protect yourself from the harm it is doing to you emotionally and physically. She does not appear capable of protecting her children or taking accountability for her abuse.
Don’t get me wrong, I am so proud of you for prioritizing yourself. But you will need to spend time deprogramming your mother’s victim hood from your thoughts. This will only result in your isolation and lead you back to the only person there, your mother.
Hold onto this strength and tell your mother to no longer call you about her marriage. It’s inappropriate. Do not do not discuss it further and end any and all interactions when she tries. Hang up. Walk out.
Anything that can be googled should be. Tell her to google it once and then ignore any further requests. Done. Reach out to your siblings and ask about them and their families. Don’t talk about yourself or your mother. You’re not alone.
Ok_Handle2153 − You’re not her personal caretaker or therapist. It’s perfectly fine to want to take a step back and have your own life outside of family responsibilities.
MansikkaFI − From now on every time she calls for something, either dont anwer or tell her youre busy. There is no need to spread responsibities. Shes an adult and doesnt need babying, which is exactly what shes expecting you to do. All the things you mention can either be done by them or some professional, its nothing extraordinary.
If she has issues in the house, let your father or a handyman fix it. Help with technology? Thats what manuals are for. Problems with father? Well, she needs to grow up and solve her own maritial problems.. NTA but dont give in anymore.
ares_2526 − You’re just asking for some help, not to do everything yourself. If your mom is upset, it’s probably because she’s used to you handling everything, but that doesn’t make it fair to you.
RJack151 − NTA. From now on, every time she calls, tell her that you are too busy and have to go.
Radio_Mime − What you are describing is role reversal. It is like she’s treating you as HER mother. She is the one being selfish. If you want to maintain contact with her, you may want to continue to set boundaries with her and stick to them. She needs to stop being so helpless and c**ngy, and deal with her own marriage like an adult.
RevolutionaryCow7961 − NTA. Gee mom, I’d like to help but I’m too busy right now. Call one of my siblings. Repeat this time and time again and don’t respond if she keeps coming back to you. It’s the only way to break the cycle.
Setting boundaries is crucial for self-care, but it can often be perceived as selfish by others, especially when it involves family. Was the user wrong for telling her mom she can’t always be her personal problem solver,
or was this an important step in maintaining her own well-being? How would you navigate the balance between helping family and preserving your personal space? Share your thoughts below!