AITA for telling my mom I won’t be coming home for Christmas or any holiday?

Family can be a source of both profound comfort and deep pain—especially when past wounds remain unhealed. I (a 22F) have spent much of my childhood entwined with a best friend, Amy, whose family became a surrogate for my own. As kids, Amy and I were inseparable, almost like sisters, until circumstances tore us apart.

After her mother died when we were young, our families were close—until Amy’s family dynamics shifted dramatically. As I grew older, I confided in Amy about the pain of being unwanted by my dad and the harsh treatment I received from my grandma. Those feelings only intensified when family relationships fractured further: my mom got involved with Amy’s dad, and Amy’s bitterness toward both our families grew.

Now that I’m off to college on a full scholarship, I’ve finally gained the independence I longed for, but the hurt runs deep. My mom’s decision to pursue happiness with Amy’s dad meant sacrificing my emotional well‐being—and I’ve carried that pain with me.

Recently, when my mom called about spending Christmas together, I told her I wouldn’t be coming home for Christmas—or any holiday—and that decision has only fueled more family conflict. Am I the asshole for choosing to cut off these holiday ties?

‘ AITA for telling my mom I won’t be coming home for Christmas or any holiday?’

Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist specializing in family dynamics, explains, “When individuals grow up feeling emotionally abandoned or rejected by their family, especially during formative years, those wounds can last well into adulthood. Deciding not to participate in family events—such as holiday gatherings—can be a self-protective measure to prevent further emotional harm.”

She adds, “While it is important to maintain family connections, it is equally crucial to honor your emotional needs. If returning to your family’s home triggers deep-seated pain, then your decision to set boundaries, even if it means skipping holidays, is a valid expression of self-care.”

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship and family expert, notes, “Family relationships are complicated, and longstanding patterns of neglect or abuse can lead to understandable choices to distance oneself during significant times. Your decision is not about avoiding responsibility; it’s about safeguarding your mental health. However, if you ever choose to reengage, mediated conversations or family counseling might help repair some of those wounds.”

Both experts agree that while your decision may hurt others, it is a necessary step toward healing for someone who has endured years of emotional neglect.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Several redditors expressed strong support for your decision. One user commented, “If your family hasn’t protected you or made you feel valued, skipping Christmas is your right. Your emotional health matters.”

Another commenter shared, “Sometimes you have to set hard boundaries to preserve yourself. It’s not selfish—it’s self-preservation. If you’ve been hurt for so long, you deserve a break from that pain.” Conversely, a few users argued that a compromise might be worth exploring. One redditor mentioned, “Maybe try meeting in a neutral space or spending just one day with your parents to gradually rebuild some connection, rather than completely cutting off holidays.”