AITA for telling my mom and biological father I will always pick my dad over my bio father because my dad’s my real dad?
Family can be a battleground of conflicting loyalties and hidden truths, especially when it comes to something as personal as the identity of a parent. In this story, a 17-year-old young man reveals the painful fallout of discovering that his biological father is not the man he had always known.
When he was just seven, his mother shattered his sense of belonging by proclaiming that her new partner—Vince—was his “real dad.” While his siblings were fortunate enough to share a biological connection with his father, he was left feeling rejected and forced to live with the painful knowledge that, to his mother, he wasn’t truly hers.
Over the years, he has stood by his father, refusing to accept Vince as his dad, even as family battles and legal custody disputes ensued. Recently, when the issue resurfaced during a family discussion about a fishing weekend, he firmly declared that he would always choose his “real dad” over Vince.
His blunt declaration has divided his family, with some labeling his stance as stubborn and others praising his commitment to his true identity. Is he the asshole for setting such an unyielding boundary, or is he simply protecting his sense of self after a lifetime of rejection?
‘ AITA for telling my mom and biological father I will always pick my dad over my bio father because my dad’s my real dad?’
Expert Opinion:
Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist specializing in family dynamics, explains, “When a child’s identity is challenged by the actions of their parents, the emotional impact can be profound and long-lasting. In situations where one parent’s actions lead to a child feeling alienated from their biological parent, it is not only natural but healthy for the child to assert their loyalty.”
Dr. Markham emphasizes that the young man’s refusal to accept Vince as his dad is an act of self-preservation—a way to reclaim the identity that his family has tried to strip away. Dr. Markham further notes, “Custody battles and family disputes over identity are rarely black and white.
When a child is caught in the crossfire of parental betrayal, setting firm boundaries can be a crucial step in healing.” According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, “The foundation of a healthy family is built on mutual respect and clear boundaries.
When those boundaries are violated—especially in matters as personal as a child’s identity—it is vital for the child to assert what is non-negotiable.” Gottman’s perspective supports the young man’s stance: his loyalty to his biological father isn’t a petty refusal to accept change; it’s a necessary declaration of who he is and whom he will always love.
Both experts agree that while such declarations can polarize family members, they are essential for the emotional well-being of a child who has been forced to navigate conflicting loyalties from a very young age.
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
Several redditors expressed admiration for his honesty, with one user commenting, “You have every right to choose the dad who’s always been there for you. It takes real courage to stand up and say, ‘I’m not accepting Vince as my dad.’”
Another group shared similar stories of feeling divided by family secrets, with one commenter stating, “I was in a similar situation, and asserting my true identity was the only way I could heal. Your loyalty to your real dad is inspiring.”
Ultimately, your decision to firmly declare that you will always choose your biological father over Vince is not an overreaction—it’s a necessary assertion of your identity. When a parent’s betrayal forces you to question your self-worth, standing by who you are is a powerful act of self-love. This situation raises important questions: How do we navigate familial relationships when our identity is at stake? Can a child ever truly reconcile with a parent who has imposed a painful legacy on them?
What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Have you ever had to make a choice between two conflicting parental figures? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your insights might help others understand the complexities of loyalty and identity in the face of family betrayal.