AITA for telling my MIL I don’t want to spend my birthday with her?
A Reddit user is torn about their upcoming birthday plans with their husband. After an uncomfortable incident last year where their mother-in-law got drunk and caused a scene, they decided to keep this year’s celebration small, focusing on a romantic day with just the two of them.
The couple planned to go ice skating (a sentimental activity from their first date), enjoy lunch together, and end the day with movies and snacks. However, when the user’s mother-in-law found out, she expressed an enthusiastic desire to join, citing her past love for ice skating.
The user feels conflicted, worried that her mother-in-law might overshadow the day or make things about herself, but is also cautious about hurting family feelings. Read the full story below.
‘ AITA for telling my MIL I don’t want to spend my birthday with her?’
So my (23F) birthday is coming up and I’ve been planning to spend it with just my husband (24M) this year. This has been planned for a while, and is because last year on my birthday we had my immediate family and the in-laws around, and my MIL got quite drunk and made a scene about how my husband and I aren’t the “right fit for each other” and ended up shouting some pretty bad things specifically directed towards me.
The context for this is pretty much that she’s been very hot and cold on her opinion of me, she said that she didn’t like me when me and my husband were dating, has been pretty okay with me ever since.
My birthday last year was the worst of it, and I wasn’t going to continue making a scene over it because I’m kind of stuck with her for life and I don’t want us to have a bad relationship, especially because my partner and I are planning on having kids soon and whatnot.
This year I talked to my husband and we decided that instead of doing anything with the family, we were going to make plans for ourselves. We decided ice skating (what we did on our first date) and going out for lunch, and then some of our favourite movies and junk food for dinner. We figured that we could do a sort of all family dinner out, with my immediate family and the in-laws the weekend after or something.
Recently I told my in-laws about our plans and now my MIL is insisting that they want to come as she did a lot of ice-skating when she was younger. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I really wanted to spend this day with my husband, especially because we’d planned it for so long.
He says that he’ll back whatever choice I make but that it wouldn’t be unreasonable to let the in-laws come to the ice skating and lunch and then do the rest ourselves. I originally asked to speak to her in person about it in more depth but she told me that she was too busy and didn’t want to.
I feel a bit torn because I don’t want to hurt their feelings, but a part of me is saying that she’s just trying to make it about herself again. That being said, I know that might be unfair. AITA?
Here’s how people reacted to the post:
badassmillz − INFO: has she ever apologized for that or any other bad comments she’s made ?
Apart-Ad-6518 − NTA. My MIL got quite drunk and made a scene about how my husband and I aren’t the “right fit for each other” and ended up shouting some pretty bad things specifically directed towards me.
Who’d want another birthday ruined like that. Has she ever even apologized?. he’ll back whatever choice I make.. Good. it *wouldn’t be unreasonable* to let the in-laws come to the ice skating and lunch and then do the rest ourselves. Yes it would & he needs to realize that. Besides, why does she need to be at all your birthday celebrations?
archetyping101 − NTA. It’s your husband’s job to tell her no. He needs to explain that it’s your birthday and it will be spent just the two of you. It doesn’t make you an AH for wanting a private affair when last year’s went off the rails because of her. Also who cares that she used to ice skate as a kid. She can go on her own or another time. It doesn’t have to be on your birthday of all days.
bookishmama_76 − NTA – but your husband kinda is. “He’ll back whatever choice I make but that it wouldn’t be *unreasonable* to let that in laws come.” Tell me, is it reasonable to expect to be treated with civility & respect?
And if the treatment was BAD would it be reasonable to expect a face to face apology from the person who treated you poorly? That whole “but”. He will back whatever choice I make BUT. There should be no but.
If his mom isn’t held accountable for the way she treats you, she will obviously expect to be able to continue. And when you have kids like you are planning to, would it be ok for them to see their grandma treat their mom like that? You guys need to begin as you mean to go along.
One_Engineering8030 − NTA. I did not hear anything about her throwing you a party of her own creation. So it’s not like you’re kicking her out of her own event. It’s your party you can invite who you want to. I think it’s great that your husband had your back I just hope that the screws are not being turned on him by Anybody else to help change his mind.
He needs to hold strong and support of you and help give you the day together that you’re very much looking forward to. If you guys are going to be having kids soon as you are planning, you also need to look at this as One of the last times you both might be able to do this sort of thing easily for a good long while.
So enjoy your birthday and the best you can and if your mother-in-law does not want to make any time for you to discuss the other options available to her It’s up to you to bend to her or her timetable for that discussion. I think doing as you planned and celebrating this sort of thing with extended family like this week or two later sounds like a great idea if you’re up for that. You’ve got this.
mlc885 − INFO. Your husband can’t speak to his mother? He says that he’ll back whatever choice I make. Didn’t happen.
Several-Ant-8701 − NTA. It’s your birthday & you get to choose who you spend it with. It’s time now for your husband to harden the boundaries & set expectations regarding his mother – in consultation with you of course, as when you start having kids MIL is definately going to be hard to deal with.
However, & I speak from experience here, you both may always have to battle with MIL & her behaviour. The choice will then be yours to go low or no contact if this battle becomes ridiculous and exhausting.
corgihuntress − Have your husband tell her no, that you want to spend a romantic birthday with him. He needs to take the initiative more and protect you more. NTA
Awkward-School-5987 − Why tell them your plans or been so specific? If it came up in conversation something simple like I plan to spend the day with hubby would have been perfect. I think your husband needs to set his mother straight. And you really need to have some change before allowing your future children to be subjected to a grandmother that doesn’t respect you.
The children always suffer then once their here parents think about the consequences after the fact. Set boundaries go LC/NC, talk to your husband and really tell him how this is making you look at things differently because it should
HowlPen − Your husband saw what she did and still thinks it’s reasonable that she be there for part of your birthday? He should be running interference for you and he should be the one to tell your mom. Natural consequence.
You are only 23 and you have A LOT of birthdays ahead of you. Set the standard expectation now that your birthdays are not default family events. You do what you want to do on your birthday. That could even be just celebrating with your side of family if you want.
Do you think the user is right to set boundaries and keep the day private, or should they make an exception for their mother-in-law? How would you handle celebrating personal occasions with family who may have a history of causing stress? Share your thoughts below!
