AITA for telling my MIL I don’t want to spend my birthday with her?
Birthdays are supposed to be celebrations of self-love and joy—a day to do exactly what makes you happy. For one 23-year-old woman, however, the upcoming birthday has become a battleground between her desire for a peaceful, intimate day with her husband and the looming presence of her unpredictable mother-in-law (MIL).
Last year, a disastrous birthday celebration marred by her MIL’s drunken tirade left her feeling humiliated and dismissed. Determined not to repeat that painful experience, she planned a special day—ice skating, lunch, a cozy movie night, and junk food—with her husband, reserving the day exclusively for the two of them. Yet when she shared her plans with her in-laws, her MIL’s enthusiasm to join in threatened to overshadow the carefully curated celebration.
Now, caught between the need to honor her own boundaries and the desire not to hurt her extended family’s feelings, she wonders if she’s being unreasonable. Is it wrong to insist on keeping her birthday solely for herself and her husband, or should she compromise and include the in-laws for the ice skating and lunch portion? Let’s delve into the details of her story and examine whether her stance is justified.
‘ AITA for telling my MIL I don’t want to spend my birthday with her?’
Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist specializing in family dynamics, states, “When personal celebrations are invaded by family members, particularly in ways that have caused previous trauma, it’s understandable to set boundaries. A birthday is a personal milestone and should reflect what makes the individual happiest. In this case, insisting on an intimate celebration isn’t selfish—it’s about reclaiming a sense of autonomy and healing from past hurt.”
She continues, “It’s important for all parties to communicate clearly about expectations. When one person’s special day becomes a battleground for unresolved issues, the solution lies in respectful dialogue. Compromise can work, but it must honor the needs and history of everyone involved.”
Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, adds, “Family events, especially those laden with emotional history, can trigger deep-seated feelings. If a partner’s desire for a private celebration is consistently undermined by extended family interference, it is essential to establish clear, mutual boundaries. Sometimes, this means saying no to traditions that no longer serve your well-being.”
Both experts agree that while accommodating family is important, protecting one’s emotional space—especially on significant personal occasions—is vital. Their insights suggest that her decision to keep her birthday exclusive is rooted in a genuine need for self-care and healing, and that any compromise must be carefully negotiated to avoid repeating past mistakes.
Here’s how people reacted to the post:
Several redditors expressed support for her decision. One user commented, “If your MIL has a history of ruining your special day, you have every right to insist on a celebration that’s just for you and your husband. It’s not selfish—it’s about protecting your peace and happiness.”
Another group shared personal experiences, with one commenter stating, “I’ve been in a similar situation where family drama turned a birthday into a nightmare. Sometimes you have to draw the line and say, ‘This day is mine,’ even if it means disappointing others.”
Ultimately, your decision to reserve your birthday for just you and your husband is not inherently selfish—it’s a valid exercise in self-care, especially given the painful history of past celebrations. While your MIL’s desire to join may come from a place of nostalgia and familial bonding, your need to protect your emotional space is equally important. This situation raises the question: How do we balance family involvement with personal autonomy on days that are meant to be entirely our own?
What would you do if you found yourself caught between family expectations and your own need for intimacy and healing? Have you ever had to set boundaries on your special day? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your insights might help others navigate the delicate dance between family togetherness and personal celebration.
Oooohh. Time for your husband to talk to his mother. And time for you to talk to him: ask him what he thinks about how she behaved last year. Ask him how he feels about the snarky things she has said during the course of your dating and marriage. Let him know that it hurts you badly that he hasn’t said “Mom, you need to knock it off. This is the woman I love and you have to be civil”.
“Oh, m-i-l, that’s so nice, I didn’t know you liked skating! Husband and I have planned a romantic day for just us two, but if you want to skate, you and I can fix a date to go together some time soon, once I’ve received an apology for the way you ruined my last birthday”. She won’t ask again, I think, and you certainly won’t bring up the subject, will you? BTW, when is your husband’s birthday? I recommend you buy him a nice shiny backbone as a gift, and tell him he better figure out what it’s for, because you aren’t going to bring any children into a family where you are disrespected, and where such poor examples of behaviour are set.
Husband has to grow a pair and tell his mother NO. Until MIL fully accepts her, wife calls all the shots. If it doesn’t happen go LC or NC. And explain to both sides of the family exactly what happened your last birthday and no apology a year later.
First thing decide on something you want to become a birthday tradition. You and your husband alone together is just fine. A nice dinner out a special evening in, that’s the idea. Now as far as your mother-in-law, let me get this straight. She wants to come along on your birthday with your husband on your date but she doesn’t have the time to talk to you? I don’t think so. If she doesn’t have the time to talk to you then she doesn’t want to celebrate your birthday she wants to celebrate herself and maybe her son.